A Little Demolition Does a Body Good (VIII/XII)

I like war movies with the best of 'em, but I also like Hallmark movies. I love hiking and backpacking and kayaking, but I also love to bake and decorate and crotchet. I love football and hockey, but I also love eclectic coffee shops and good books. I have a dream of mud-wrestling one day, but I also have a dream of receiving a beautiful bouquet of English roses. It's who I am. Tough, but soft.

But one would have to look hard to see the softness sometimes.

Ladies, does this resonate with you?

Living alone in this world will put some callouses on you, for sure. It will tell you you've always gotta be tough. And when no one is fighting for you, no one is telling you the answer to that fundamental question of "Am I beautiful?" sometimes the softness fades. Now don't get me wrong, man isn't supposed to be the one to answer that question. God is. We are completely and entirely whole in Him alone. I firmly believe that. And I've experienced that in my life. But He also created us with desires and hormones...and ears that love to hear, "You're beautiful." There's something about knowing and believing that in your heart of hearts. It's something else altogether to have that answer reflected back to you. And when it isn't being reflected back, it can be a challenge to remain in that soft place.

Let me remind us: we are warriors. So, let's fight.

Fight to remain in that place of softness. We (I) tend to build up walls as time goes by, even without a specific hurt. I can feel...well...useless. Unnoticed. And so I'll build up my defenses and prove to myself and anyone else that I'm fine. That I can do all things on my own and don't need anyone to do them for me or with me. I have been told that I, inadvertently, send this message to guys. If one might happen to actually be interested, I pretty easily send him the signal that I'm not. Because I've got my world of walls and defenses and "I don't need anyone to do anything for me" attitude.

Sure, that's exactly the kind of woman a wounded man wants to fight for. A woman who is sure she can do all things on her own. That'll be a sure set up for success. And let's pause for a second on the idea of wounded man. I don't mean those words as any disrespect. Far from it. I believe that for as hard as this world can be on a woman, it can be even harder on a man. A man who's lived life with battle scars to his security, to his manhood, to the very core of who he was created to be.

Beth Moore expounds on this little discussed truth in her book, So Long, Insecurities: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us, after conducting a survey on men and insecurities. She writes, "Fear of failing as a provider was the first of two potential failures that floated to the top in the survey with the guys. The second was failure to prove himself a man...Without minimizing the minefield of women's insecurities, our gender could stand to have our eyes pried open to the fierce battlefield men occupy in the fight for their own souls. In all these years, I can't remember ever hearing a female say that she feels the need to prove that she's a woman. We tend to consider it a fact that was settled at conception. We may want to prove that we are desirable women, capable women, intelligent women, or even real women, but there's still a subtle difference. Men aren't tagging their gender with an adjective. They want to prove to be men. And that's when it really occurred to me. They feel a truckload of pressure to be what we would consider them to already be. Girls become women when they reach a certain age. Boys become men when they attain and conquer. A male doesn't become a man just by growing up. Apparently most guys feel like they have to prove something in order to be men...[a]nd it's not just about being manly. It's about being what they consider to be a man." (1)

Do we think it is easy for a man to fight for a calloused woman who has built up wall after wall? What would possess him to shakily step forward and pursue a girl who is proving to the world that she doesn't need him or anyone?

It's time for me to soften myself, ladies. Take a step back. Allow men to be men. And be...woman. The one who was created in response to God's assessment of it not being good for man to be alone. We were created for him...but also in God's image. Remember that we are still God's image-bearers, whether we have a husband or not.

Know that you are clothed with strength and dignity, you can laugh at the days to come (Proverbs 31:25-26).

Let that sink in.

Clothed...with...strength...and...dignity.

No one can take that from you. Your Jehovah-Sabaoth (the Lord Almighty, the Lord of Hosts, the One who holds sway of all things) will see to that. He is our Protector. Fight with Him to protect your security, your strength and dignity.

Where do you find yourself on the scale of tough and tender? Are you caught up in a solitary world where the edges of your soul are sharp enough to cause wounds? Are you living in complacency and/or apathy, having lost hope in being pursued by a man?

Join me in some self-assessment. Demolish some walls if you need to. Reinforce other ones, the ones guarding truths God has placed deep in your soul. I firmly believe we can bolster up our security and regain a healthy balance of tough and tender.


1. Beth Moore, So Long, Insecurities: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us (Carol Stream: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2010), pp 188-89.