tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43595875889150058932024-03-05T17:06:19.488-05:00Erin Flew the Coop{ this time she flew the Coop to Perry...and the journey continues }Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.comBlogger124125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-1532619595502492712017-10-30T18:18:00.000-04:002017-10-30T18:40:18.882-04:00Part 10: Wake Up!<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">With IUI we had prayed like we prayed all these months - a lot. Pleading prayers, <i>Oh God, would you answer them?</i> Every morning, every night together. Throughout the day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But I began to think...did my life <i>look</i> different? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Was I spending my <i>time</i> differently? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Sure I spent time with the Lord. We made sure He was well aware of our plea. And He’d revealed Scripture and meaningful moments for us over the months. But here we were, in one of the biggest battles of our lives, and I was operating like a soldier on light duty. From the outside looking in, I’m not sure you would have been able to notice a difference from months before to now. One night I sat on the couch scrolling through Instagram with something mindless on TV in the background. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>What the heck am I doing?! </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Instagram? Instagram wasn’t going to give me a child. I needed to make a change. </span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It's not that Instagram is bad...I still get on...and will, in fact, use it to tell you all about this post. But mindlessly scrolling in that moment felt so empty.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This wasn’t living like we were in one of the biggest battles of our lives. This was life as normal. I was <i>whoa</i> convicted. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This shift brought a snap back into action for my faith. Instead of just trying to hold on, it wanted to claim new territory in my heart...in our lives.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And so that night I went up to a room in our house we hadn’t paid much attention to. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The future nursery. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Aside from that label, it functioned as any extra bedroom with inherited mismatched furniture, virtually no decoration. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I plopped myself down in the middle of the room and prayed. Just opened my heart up to God. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And the next day, I reread <i>The Circle Maker</i>. In a day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Why wasn’t I praying circles? Why, in the name of Jesus, wasn’t I circling this desire God placed in our hearts? Claiming His promises right here in this very room?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Well, no more, I say! I went into the room and moved some furniture around. The bed? It was going to the middle. I was going to make a circle path in this room if my life depended on it. It was tight, almost laughable. But I could fit.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And the circling began. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Lap after lap, my playlist singing it’s tunes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I couldn’t wait to tell Stephen that night!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">In the course of a week, that room went from neglected to pulsing with life and energy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">A holiness. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I belted worship music, sometimes through squeaky I’m-trying-not-to-cry voice.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Thank you, Lord, that no one except my husband could hear me.</i> (And thankfully, he already had a ring on his finger...he was committed!)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This became our space to circle our desire, but even greater than that, circle the Lord’s promises regarding this desire. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It finally felt right. We were making headway. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Who knew that endless circles in a bedroom could cause forward momentum?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And in that forward momentum, God revealed a truth I once knew:</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He loves it when we bring our desires to Him. </span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>He loves it even more when we bring ourselves to Him. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And that’s what this was. This was bringing myself to Him. My time. Sacrificing my desires - sometimes watching a show on the couch or an earlier bedtime was more appealing...sometimes after a 12 hour shift on your feet, the last thing I wanted to do was circle our room...on my feet. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But did I want to move the heart of God?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Did I want to give Him all of me? For His glory? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It was about time I started acting like it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Sidney Howard, author of <i>Gone with the Wind</i>, said, “One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">What was I willing to give up?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And the most amazing thing was this: I already had all the reward I could want in Christ Jesus. The more time I spent circling, the more filled with Him and joyful I was. The more the end goal of starting our family became the byproduct of time with him. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He was the treasure. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He IS the treasure!</span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">Walking in this shift has felt easier for us. Peaceful. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It felt right.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But explaining it to others is hard. We’d hear things like, “So glad you guys are taking a break! That should help relieve stress.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>We aren’t taking a break.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">There’s not a thing wrong with doing that, but it isn’t what we are doing. We have kicked our prayer life up a bunch of notches. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We are sacrificing. We are circling. We are fasting.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It certainly isn’t taking a break.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And in the explanation of moving from intervention to intercession, some look back at me with blank stares. Encouragement in their words, but their tone says it all. Others are right there with us - believing and trusting and asking God for a miracle.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I remind them (and myself), God moved mountains when He brought Stephen and me together. He did what only He could do. He made a way. He will do it again. There’s a reason why Spirit of the Living God was our first dance song! :) These lyrics get me every time:</span><br />
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<i>When You speak</i><br />
<i>When You move</i><br />
<i>When You do what only You can do</i><br />
<i>It changes us</i><br />
<i>It changes what we see and what we seek</i></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">One night in September, I found myself at another Forme event (Facebook link <a href="https://www.facebook.com/formewomen/" target="_blank">here</a>!). This time nestled outside amidst a gathered body of women, believers worshiping in sweet surrender, a backdrop of tall and mighty trees reminding me of God’s steady might and faithfulness. And the night’s theme was “God is my...” </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Several women standing in courage sharing their story of how God is their confidence, light, strength, peace, guide, redeemer... </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOdH0Il047iZ-_UzVX20pnVUOK00X-C0w8twhcevgkKB2WJNpxt19waE1n1DsvH4p4YHzs1fQHhKh1ls5S5z6KS3eBgUO0TM2Mdci6GdBLo5_lctsP4W_m_-P_t-1q89LznBxQngZB4Rc/s1600/IMG_1228.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1484" data-original-width="1484" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOdH0Il047iZ-_UzVX20pnVUOK00X-C0w8twhcevgkKB2WJNpxt19waE1n1DsvH4p4YHzs1fQHhKh1ls5S5z6KS3eBgUO0TM2Mdci6GdBLo5_lctsP4W_m_-P_t-1q89LznBxQngZB4Rc/s320/IMG_1228.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Love this amazing print from Heavenly Lettering <br />
from that night. Check out her Etsy shop!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We had an opportunity to write on huge canvases our “God is my...” word. Mine?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i><i>FREEDOM.</i></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He is my freedom from fear. Freedom from infertility. Freedom from lies. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I am FREE. Because of my God.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It will take a miracle, this pregnancy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But I am free to trust the Lord for that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It all rests on Him. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Its strange to be asking for a miracle for myself. I've prayed countless times for God to move mightily in the lives of those around me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But to pray with my hands on my stomach, asking the Lord to do a miracle inside my own womb? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It's a strange and powerful thing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I'm not writing this as a petition for prayer for us - obviously if you feel led to do that, please join us! But more so, my heart is for awareness and freedom for every couple experiencing infertility. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I am tired of Satan's foothold in this area for couples. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He's attacking marriages across the nation. I firmly believe one of the ways he is doing that is through infertility. Weaseling his way in and wreaking havoc through fear. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He certainly tried for us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And it ticks</span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">me</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">off.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So more than anything, pray for the enemy's hold on infertility to release, for couples to get in His Word, to read and claim the promises of the Lord, to pray for and trust the Lord to move in their situations. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Let’s be a support for each other on this painful, lonely, often dark journey. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Our God is a good God. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He is a mighty God. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He moves mountains. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Let's ask Him to move mountains in His name. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “Move from here to there,” and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">Matthew 17:20</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1OvE9yMC1x16dr7VSPkRlA2Yo1bMkH5Pr0MIU5_DBFQWvJXXDtFVGicFzNzozuTxih5O9BTREJQnzXb0tJDFcF6jpfxmh58VAVIFE02DHFNYD90e6y3rsHbjcbxavcYJaPnP95oiHvHg/s1600/IMG_1231.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1484" data-original-width="1484" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1OvE9yMC1x16dr7VSPkRlA2Yo1bMkH5Pr0MIU5_DBFQWvJXXDtFVGicFzNzozuTxih5O9BTREJQnzXb0tJDFcF6jpfxmh58VAVIFE02DHFNYD90e6y3rsHbjcbxavcYJaPnP95oiHvHg/s320/IMG_1231.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is my "Faith Board" I put up in the room!<br />Thank you Meghan for the nudge and Mom for the<br />name! I needed a place with all the Scripture<br />in one place. It's still a work in progress, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">but it's coming along!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Maybe make one of your own?</span></td></tr>
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Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-6044598259867144872017-10-26T17:47:00.000-04:002017-10-27T13:07:51.028-04:00Part 9: The Promises And The Ask<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<i>***Just a reminder...this is our story...God asked me to share it, it is not to say it is right and any story is wrong...all of our journeys through infertility can reflect God's beauty. This is just me, writing my heart. :) ***</i><br />
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">In the midst of me feeling crazy, there was the book. </span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;"><i>Supernatural Childbirth</i>. </span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">The book my patient’s sister had sent me. I hadn’t read it except for the prayer we prayed each night. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Why? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I can’t tell you except for <i>God’s timing</i>. I needed it just at the moment He reminded me of it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It was a Wednesday night, I opened the book after coming home from church. I read and read and read, waiting for Stephen to come home too. We were still in that waiting time after IUI. My period was late. Not normal for me. But was it just the medication delaying the inevitable? I was exhausted from trying to read into every little thing my body did. I was so very weary of being in this mental back and forth yo-yo: we are pregnant, no we can’t be, but we might me, could we really be, nope we aren’t, but...could we still be? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I had had enough. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I needed something more than my thoughts to go on. Something more than the <i>comfort</i> of Scripture. I <i>needed to know exactly </i>what God had to say about all this. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So I read. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Parts of His scripture I’d read before but never in a time I needed those words. Yet here they were! It’s easy to miss them when you’re far removed from their content. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But now? </span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">They were a lifeline. </span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>His words</i>. Bold. Promising. Truth.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">After that first night, I hadn’t finished the book, but I knew enough to know that God didn’t create anyone to be barren. </span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Barrenness wasn’t in His plan. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It wasn’t His will. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Genesis 1:28</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the Lord.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Psalm 128:3-4</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Psalm 113:9</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law...</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Galatians 3:13</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“He [Christ] himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">1 Peter 2:24</span></div>
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But you shall serve the Lord your God, and He will bless your bread and your water; and I will remove sickness from your midst. There shall be no one miscarrying or barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days."</div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Exodus 23:25-26</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Mathew 18:19</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of Him.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">1 John 5:14-15</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be free from your suffering.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Healing! Freedom! Freedom from this fear! </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>That </i>sounded like my God. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And the very next day? My body told me moments before leaving for work that indeed, IUI was not successful. </span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Hello period. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You know what? I was sad like every month before...but something was different this time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I didn’t feel shaken. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I began to think about my body undergoing the whole IUI regimen again - which would literally have to start the next day. Day after day of some intervention - a probe inside, swallowing a med, peeing on a stick, the IUI procedure, more medications. I simply couldn’t do it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I could not. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">My body wasn’t my own. It didn’t know up from down. No hormones functioning on their own. Granted, they weren’t functioning properly on their own before meds, but here was evidence they weren’t functioning properly with medical help either. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I needed a break from medicine. From it all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That night as Stephen and I dialogued about the last month, about the book, it became very clear what God was asking us to do.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>Let Me do this, Me alone. Let me show you.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He wanted all the responsibility on Him. He was going to make this happen. In a way where He and only He could get all the glory when that healthy pregnancy occurred. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It was scary in a way. A relief in other ways. It was definitely uncharted territory. To believe on Him for healing from infertility without medical intervention. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It was one of the most special nights we’d had. So connected to each other. So surrendered to our Lord. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Stephen prayed, “God, You have our attention. Come move mountains. Come do what only You can do.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We were claiming is promises. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And that night, we felt a shift. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Fear</i> was replaced with <i>faith</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We prayed out of faith, not fear. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We talked out of faith, not fear. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We believed in faith without fear. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We trusted in faith without fear. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We had moved from intervention to <i>intercession</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I turned in my childhood fear for a childlike faith.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Thank You, Lord, for making this possible. For your freedom. For your sacrifice on the cross that frees me from sickness, from fear, from failure. Frees me from the curse of the law. Frees me to walk in all your promises, believing them for us, for our lives. Because You are so faithful and so good. Your word is clear. We believe and receive what You have spoken. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Every word. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“For no matter how many promises God has made, they are ‘Yes’ in Christ. And so through Him the ‘Amen’ is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, and put His Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">2 Corinthians 1:20-22</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">Yes. And amen!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5y13DK62O22mAoUGh8DKnn7Im8aQlevdO3HLo52w6v0q-Bq4_ZlpRHAP_Fz_r2Z9AGtD_tatAyOOqEq3WnSonMfK2I150Fj2LM0YF78siHg90M5dTEOWd4FwlOwG5X7kA4upmeLKnGDc/s1600/IMG_1190.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5y13DK62O22mAoUGh8DKnn7Im8aQlevdO3HLo52w6v0q-Bq4_ZlpRHAP_Fz_r2Z9AGtD_tatAyOOqEq3WnSonMfK2I150Fj2LM0YF78siHg90M5dTEOWd4FwlOwG5X7kA4upmeLKnGDc/s320/IMG_1190.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Get those words on repeat in your head by listening to this fabulous song "Yes and Amen" by Housefires! YouTube video link <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EI22G5YpVds" target="_blank">here</a>.</b></span></div>
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<b>Referenced in this post: <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Supernatural-Childbirth-Jackie-Mize/dp/0892747560" target="_blank">Supernatural Childbirth: Experiencing the Promises of God Concerning Conception and Delivery</a></i> by Jackie Mize.</b></div>
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<b>Also, have since discovered this <i>incredible</i> (more updated) gem of a book! <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Gods-Plan-Pregnancy-Conception-Childbirth/dp/9810865368/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1509032569&sr=1-1&keywords=god%27s+plan+for+pregnancy" target="_blank">God's Plan for Pregnancy: From Conception to Childbirth and Beyond</a></i> by Nerida Walker. It came out in 2012, verses Mize's book which came out in 1993. I HIGHLY recommend it!!</b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue";">Ok y'all. Only ONE more post to go! Thank you for hanging in there with me. For reading, praying, encouraging, sharing your stories with me. Check back in a few days for the final post!</span></b><br />
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Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-73263664196880227952017-10-23T19:27:00.001-04:002017-10-23T19:27:34.524-04:00Part 8: I Just Want To Be Normal<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">So the pre-IUI appointment was made. As I drove back to Georgia that Thursday night, I cried all the way. And listened to my worship playlist. Belted the songs through tears. What else could I do? As one of the songs says “Oh where else would we go but with the Lord of Hosts” (from “Psalm 46 (Lord of Hosts)” by Shane & Shane). And so I sang. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And sang. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And sang. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Until I was hoarse. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The next morning, waking up super early for my appointment, I was panicked. I didn’t feel settled, but I chalked it up to unknown territory, and a night’s sleep in our bed without Stephen. (He didn’t come home until Saturday.) This was something new again. I don’t like the unknown. As I sat outside waiting for the office to open, I honestly felt scared, I felt out of my league. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And I’m a <i>nurse</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I can’t imagine this for people not used to the medical world!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But I also felt <i>defeated</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Having a child, starting a family, it all came down to <i>this</i>? So many tests and ultrasounds and probes in places I’d rather probes not go. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But I’d do it all if that’s what it took. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And so, ultrasound done, very detailed plan in place, prescriptions called in, I drove to work, put on a happy face, and helped deliver everyone else’s babies for the rest of the day, feeling more broken inside than I cared to admit. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The next day, Stephen returned home. It was our anniversary. The day my body officially told me we weren’t pregnant. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Thanks, body. What an insult. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We had an amazing night downtown anyway, no thanks to the cramps and headache. Through it all, it was a sweet night of reminders of that amazing day, one year before. A fancy rooftop dinner, our top tier wedding cake, our wedding video, sharing memories and laughter. And the next morning we boarded a plane for a fun week in New York. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We both needed it. The time away. Time exclusively together. To have fun and disconnect from the world. Time to just enjoy each other. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And we did. So much. We were free to do whatever we wanted to! Go here? Ok! Check that out? Sure, why not? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">There were moments where the feeling of failure would creep back in. How could it not? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The child crying in the store. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The sweet family at the restaurant. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The little baseball-capped boy and his dad at the ballgame. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Daggers to my womanhood. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Its amazing sometimes to me that we walk around whole beings on the outside for all the jabs life takes at our souls. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">My greatest desire, to be a mom. The things I long most to give my husband, children. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I couldn’t do it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Sometimes the reminders were so painful, I’d nestle my head into Stephen’s chest and let the tears fall. His embrace always comfort and strength. And his reminder: “Babe, that’s just not true. You’re not a failure.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But there was no pregnancy was there?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">For the most part, we were able to put this aside and thoroughly enjoy our time in NY. Between the food, the shows, the sights, the Yankees, the fireworks, staying in Times Square. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We made so many fun memories!</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1203" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9GB9XZJkv5jMlW-vdWzgJKnz0paB_TZkjlg_gx8VQ2rBte7ATRktLV9ph1LmQkqd0LlVX3LOPKnOMMlkbXmerRcnm9jCXyV3wVCOP_4u1SsSQqr5YDZU5NJyA4KTYJrBNzqp76gZhiwU/s200/IMG_2246.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="150" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In Times Square totally looking like tourists!</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBHQcFAKQUTbxB7pUkFLM-1lxRw4hHjgz1TmWzubnVfC-fKKXu5_E7l8IkWf18qLALWTBBupmG1AMQOk2fTAOq5_DTAsi304twPvXvSnSEDjvSpz9b7u9e9KGS2AxjePfFkU-wtcFXoKA/s1600/IMG_2516.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1203" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBHQcFAKQUTbxB7pUkFLM-1lxRw4hHjgz1TmWzubnVfC-fKKXu5_E7l8IkWf18qLALWTBBupmG1AMQOk2fTAOq5_DTAsi304twPvXvSnSEDjvSpz9b7u9e9KGS2AxjePfFkU-wtcFXoKA/s200/IMG_2516.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In Times Square trying NOT to look like tourists! :)</td></tr>
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But our New York trip ended all too soon. Upon our return, we had a week of "normalcy" before we headed to camp with our students. But we were on a timeline. I had a week for my body to cooperate and ovulate. If it didn’t, I’d need to give myself a shot, then proceed with IUI. Twice. </div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">One guess on whether my body did its job.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Nope. Sure didn’t. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Failed again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This time we had a way to make it do its job. A shot. But in the process of prep for the procedure, somehow the office had missed giving me all the information - maybe because I’m a nurse and they assumed, maybe because I had been to a couple of their offices instead of just one...for whatever reason, I didn’t know what to do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">When exactly do I give myself the shot? Does it matter where? I knew timing was super important. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">In the process of trying to figure all this out - on a weekend (of course), I had a moment on the couch, anxiously awaiting a text, then a phone call, that I knew this wasn’t me. I was literally on the verge of freaking out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Who am I? I’m not an anxious person. I don’t second-guess everything I do. What am I becoming? I don’t like how this feels!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Fear and anxiety had taken over.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I felt panicked again. Not a feeling I’d like to become accustomed to.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I finally got it all figured out, just in time for the next steps. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">IUI on Sunday and Monday. Sitting in that office again, my husband down the hall doing his part, I was so broken. So sad that this...<i>this</i> was how God meant it to be? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>This is what You had in mind for us to start our family? Why can't we just have sex like normal people?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It was in this very moment that none of this felt right for us. I didn’t understand why it had to be this way. The gift of eros love that God has given us...it was amazing...but it couldn’t produce a family for us?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And yet, here was our chance, our boat. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It was done. The IUI. Once. And twice.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">After the second procedure, we rushed from the office to church and literally jumped right on a bus to head to camp with our students for a week, no one knowing where we were or what had just taken place. The mess of thoughts and emotions in my mind. But I wasn’t going to miss this week for the world - my last camp with my 8th grade girls before they went to high school! </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">On a whole, it was an incredible week seeing God move in and through the lives of our students. It was emotional and overwhelming in amazing ways. But, personally, it was one of the loneliest weeks. Putting aside our personal journey for the good of these students. I didn’t always do it well. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Late nights. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Teenagers 23 hours out of 24. Leading them in one of the biggest weeks of their lives. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I was tired. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Way tired. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">In every way...spiritually, emotionally, physically. And they could tell. How do you lead when you’re asking deep hard questions yourself? I finally shared with my girls that Pastor Stephen and I were in the midst of a personal battle that took a lot of my energy, giving no more details than that. And their faith that week? As the speaker at camp had said, sometimes you ride on the faith of others until your own catches up. That’s exactly what I did.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Life went on as “normal” for a couple more weeks. And by normal, I mean, thinking of it all the time, inserting medication twice a day, constant body reminders of the possibility that a pregnancy might just happen this time...or not. And yet, as always, we were hopeful. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I tried to not think about it every second of every day. Tried not to interpret every little twinge in my body. Tried not to tick off day after day with no definitive answer. I cried out to God, begging Him for this to be the month. I read Scripture telling of His power, His might. I believed He could do it. And then one trip to the bathroom could make it all unravel. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I’d convinced myself a hundred times I was pregnant.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And a hundred and one times I wasn’t.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It can truly make a person crazy. </span><br />
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<b>Here's the<a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/erinscooper/playlist/5rKAJQDf5ijw1IWiK38G72" target="_blank"> link to my playlist</a>. It has helped keep me sane and helped settle my soul countless times. It's not specific to fertility, so check it out if you need some soul-filling tunes. It's called <a href="https://open.spotify.com/user/erinscooper/playlist/5rKAJQDf5ijw1IWiK38G72" target="_blank">{ sow }</a> . And check back in a few days for Post 9: The Promises and the Ask!</b><br />
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Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-23242423666487727372017-10-20T19:55:00.001-04:002017-10-20T19:57:24.714-04:00Part 7: An Unexpected Hope<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">Infertility is painfully messy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And somewhere in the mess, there’s <i>hope</i>...such a curious thing. When you’re at your end and being hopeful (again) is just too painful and wide open and vulnerable, somehow it begins to seep in - often against my will (but definitely in Someone else’s) - and here I am finding myself hopeful again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">One day, I was challenged by a dear friend to think about what the ground does when it rains - nothing. It just soaks up the rain. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Do the same with God. Stand in the shower, she said, and let His love soak over you, <i>into </i>you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I literally would stand in the shower and sing these words </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>You are good, good, oh oh</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>You are good good, oh oh</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">from the song “King of My Heart.” Showers became a reprieve. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The hot water washing away the heaviness. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I learned to still my thoughts, as hard as it was sometimes, and focus on that one thing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">On His <i>goodness</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Even if I didn’t feel it. He was <i>still </i>good. And good to us. And has good for us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Lord, help us believe. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Help us trust.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Then more medicine. And procedures. More months. Timing things down to the hour. And tests. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Oh, the tests. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I thought a negative pregnancy test once a month was bad. Try adding negative ovulation tests...for days. Literally half the month consisted of some test telling me I was failing. Failing at what my body was made to do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Didn’t God make me to do this?!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">One day near the end of June, I had a shift to work. It was a Sunday. I loathe working Sundays. I want to be at church, worshipping and fellowshipping with our community. I need that in this season. There is something healing and hopeful and moving in it. And I want to have the day to gather my thoughts for the week. Grocery shop. Take a nap.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But here I was, up way too early...I was feeling empty, void of strength for 12 hours of caring for laboring mothers. It was just too much this day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But I can’t choose things like that. I can’t just call out for no reason. I can’t just say I’m not coming in today. That’s not how it works in the hospital. You have to be dying before you can stay home. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So I woke up, tried to sit with the Lord, got ready for work, left the house in the dark, drove on the empty streets, entered a cold hospital, changed into stiff scrubs with an annoying barcode on them</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: "helvetica neue";"> (y’all, I hate this barcode...for so many reasons...my coworkers can tell you!),</span> and sat down for report. A series of events, in and of themselves, that can drain the life out of me. </div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I met my patient. A first time mother. Going natural - wanting no medicine. Three centimeters dilated. Oh boy, this was going to be a long shift. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Can’t I just disengage? Slide by? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Nope. Not today.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I was in her room at one point, she and her support team - husband and sister - were listening to worship music. “Spirit of the Living God” came on. The first song Stephen and I danced to as husband and wife. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Our song. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It pierced something in my heart. I told them it was our first dance song. They got so excited that I was a believer. They had prayed for their medical staff for their delivery to be believers. They were overjoyed that God had answered that prayer for them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">They’d prayed for me to be there, caring for them that day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Literally minutes later, back at the nurses’ station, my charge nurse asked me if I’d like to go home, the unit was slow. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Oh, sweet Lord....really? You have awful timing sometimes! </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I couldn’t leave my patient now - we had JUST bonded! I told my charge nurse no, I’d have to stay until she delivered. And a curious thing happened - the more I was in that labor room, the more I felt the Spirit. I began to have a sense that God had me there more for me than for them. I was in her room, fighting back tears at one point, watching this beautiful birth unfold for them, and it was like God spoke to me and said...</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>I’m not showing you this for you to be bitter, hurt, cynical...but for you to see what I will give you! This will be your story, too! Watch it, child, with a hopeful heart. </i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Ok, Lord. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Heart engaged.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I rubbed her back, spoke encouraging and soothing words, helped her into different positions to help relieve the pain, willed my strength into her. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I bit my lip as tears welled in my eyes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I laughed with her sister, gave her husband affirming glances as he looked on with anxiety. They shared with me a book that was transformational for her birth experience.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And she did it. Gracefully so. Praying and singing and trusting. She literally prayed her way to 10 centimeters. She praised her way through pushing. It could not have gone more beautifully. And that baby, oh that sweet sweet baby! </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Absolutely precious. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>God, that was the most beautiful delivery I’ve ever seen. Thank You for choosing me to be a part of it. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I had to tell her sister what this experience meant to me. I felt I had to share. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">A snippet of our journey, how God spoke to me that day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And I encouraged her to share it with her sister, the patient, when the time was right so as not to take away from her moment. But she insisted I tell her myself right then and there. “Oh girl, she would want to know - straight from you!” So I went into her room, sat on the edge of the bed, and shared with her, through tears, how God had used her experience to encourage me in a powerful way. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We all cried. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And her sister reminded me again of the book that helped them prepare for that day. <i>Supernatural Childbirth: Experiencing the Promises of God Concerning Conception and Delivery</i>. She sent me a copy right then and there to my email. I walked out exhausted in all ways...physically, emotionally, spiritually. I reined in my emotion as I walked down the hall, looking up and whispering my thanks to the Lord for how He had moved. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">For the <i>hope</i> He had so kindly given. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That night, after caring for that blessing of a patient, Stephen and I began praying one of the prayers from the book. I didn’t read through the book, I just jumped straight to the prayer section. We didn’t have time to waste, we had to get down to serious business. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We had an appointment the next week with a fertility specialist. The best in the business. One of the perks of living so near a big city. We had done our homework, had all the necessary procedures performed. Had more poking and prodding done. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We sat down in the doctor’s office. An excitement felt. But to be honest, we were both nervous. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Like really nervous. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Where was this going? What were next steps? Were we ready? We really want children, and if this is what it takes, we’ll do it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He was kind and funny, our fertility specialist. He chatted to get to know us. And then reviewed our history. Everything with Stephen was perfect. Everything. Then me...nothing <i>should</i> be out of the ordinary. No reason to believe it would be. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But it was. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That hormone level. So low! Everything else checked out fine. We ruled out a tubal problem. He recommended some more genetic testing to see if I had a faulty spot in my DNA. Comforting thought, ha. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And his recommendation was IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) with medication to induce maturation and ovulation of eggs. We’d do that three rounds if necessary, increasing medication dosage each time. And if nothing...then, IVF. He also said, “We don’t have time to waste. Time is definitely of the essence. Let us know when you’re ready to move forward.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>We don’t have time... </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">There are some phrases you just can’t get out of your head. This is one of them. (“You’ll likely need donor eggs” is another one.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I know God’s time is His, not mine, but in that moment...</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">TIME!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It scared me...to wait. The eggs weren’t going to get more numerous. That’s just not how it works. You’re born with all you’re gonna have. I’m a nurse. I know medicine. I know the body. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>BUT God</i>. I also know Him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That was Tuesday. We sat on the information, but we prayed we wouldn’t need any of it and that we’d already be pregnant. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We were in that “waiting period” again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We had done our part and had to just wait and see. We were so excited, so hopeful, that we’d be taking all these steps not to need them, that <i>this</i> would be our month, like we’d prayed every other month. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That same day, right from the office, Stephen and I both went out of town to different states. The very next day my body began showing signs that I was not pregnant. I entered into fear mode. Sadness took over, like it had every month for the past eleven months. And then I’d get mad at myself for getting my hopes up again. And then I’d shake my head, snap back into reality, force my body to the tasks at hand and my mind to make decisions. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I put on worship music, a playlist I had created in this season, to keep the dark thoughts at bay. A way to have truth weave in and out as my mind raced.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">All I could hear was “<b>we don’t have time to waste</b>.” And we both wanted children so badly - if someone was giving us a way to increase our chances to maybe, just maybe, make that test come back positive, we had to do it, right? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Stephen and I talked via phone and tried to make the right decision, but it had to be quick. I had to set up an appointment the next day, Thursday, to be seen on Friday. We were to fly to NYC on Saturday for our anniversary trip. We didn’t have time to sit on this and think. We didn’t have time to process the information we’d just heard the day before. We had to decide. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We didn’t have time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We felt as comfortable as we could with moving forward. What we were doing wasn’t working. To keep doing that is insanity, right? So let’s try the next thing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">All along this journey I kept thinking of that story where there’s a guy on the top of a roof in a flood asking for God to save him. He turns away his neighbors offer to jump in his truck, saying “I’m waiting on God to save me!” He turns away a boat and a helicopter and after drowning asks God, “Why didn’t you save me?” God says, “I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter!” </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I didn’t want to have these things right in front of us and not take advantage of them. We were already in with an incredible doctor. We had the finances to move forward. It was all in our hands if we wanted it. Was this the rescue boat?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We felt like it might be. So we chose to move forward. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We didn’t have time to waste, after all. </span><br />
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Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-1798847476993845652017-10-17T17:40:00.000-04:002017-10-17T17:40:12.395-04:00Part 6: The Clouds Begin To Part<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">On Sundays we’d sing “Good Good Father” and my mouth just couldn’t sing the words. I knew them to be true. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>But, God! This? Good?!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I just couldn’t see it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I couldn't see that this plan of donor eggs and IVF and tons of money and specialists could be good. I couldn't see that being a nurse in labor and delivery through this could be good. Seeing all these women experience what I'd wanted. And I didn't feel like it was too much to ask. </span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It didn't make sense to me. So finally I just took it all to God.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">My heart landed on this: “<i>I know what You have for me is good, but God, this doesn’t FEEL good to me</i>.” I had to just let Him know. A lot. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And so I would sing, through tears, that He was good.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I also knew God could do whatever He wanted. I fully believed that. But I didn’t know if He <i>would</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>He is good, but what if it doesn’t </i><b><i>feel</i></b><i> good to me?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>He can do anything.......but </i><b><i>will</i></b><i> He?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It had been an exhausting battle. One where I was feeling like I was doggie-paddling in an ocean of confusion. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>How does it all make sense? Who do I believe? Science? A lab test? A doctor’s words? The Bible? A promise spoken by the Lord?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Hoping in what could happen was just too risky. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And I began to not feel like myself. Like I did in Kenya in December. I knew I needed to give myself grace for not being “back to normal” just yet after news like this. It had only been a few weeks since my world shattered. But still...was this OK? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Super emotional. My feelings easily hurt. Overly sensitive. And feeling overwhelmed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Overwhelmed.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Like whoa.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">All...the...time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Finally one Wednesday morning in late May, after a few off interactions with Stephen, I knew something needed to change. These interactions were so out of the ordinary - atypical for us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It just didn’t feel right.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I had had enough!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Everything was such a fight. To be positive about anything. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Last night's sleep sucked. My breakfast sucked. My run sucked. I felt so stinkin' tired. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Standing in the shower I was wrecked. Confused. And wanted mental clarity.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I was done! And God revealed the cloud in my head - the spiritual warfare.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I felt it, and now I could finally see it for what it was. And God provided a sweet moment for Stephen and me to connect. After getting ready for the day, I leaned around the corner where He was working on his computer. I asked him for a hug. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Sometimes it’s the first step to softening our hearts and reconnecting. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He said, “Of course, babe.” We embraced for awhile, then he asked me to sit with him. In that chair, in his lap. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He held me and we began to name the fears. Call them out. To ask the hard questions that had no answers. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>What if my body can’t do this?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>I’m scared my hormones won’t do the right thing.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>I feel so overwhelmed at work, I don’t know if I can keep doing this job.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>I am so afraid of failure. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>I don’t have energy.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>My thoughts never stop, from before my eyes even open in the morning until I fall asleep. It’s exhausting.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Why, God, is this happening?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>When will You grant us the desire of our hearts? The one You placed there! </i>(We remind Him of that often.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>How is this Your goodness?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>How is this a good gift to Your children?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And Stephen prayed. Oh, how he prayed. He held me and felt my tears on his face and gave all of it to God.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And the clouds broke. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The tide began to shift. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I no longer felt overwhelmed. I didn’t realize the extent of it until that night at M12 (our middle school youth group). Singing “When The Fight Calls”...</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You’ve overcome this world with love</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And made my fight Your own</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I lift my eyes and throw fear aside</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And sing out into the night</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Cause even when the world caves</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Even when the fight calls</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Even when the war’s waged</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I’ll take heart</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I know You are greater</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Forever You are Savior</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I will sing Your praise</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">With all that I have</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">With all that I am Lord</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I’ll stare down the waves</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Cause you own the tide</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I still myself and know</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You wait for me</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">On waters wild</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Where faith walks above the storm</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I won’t let the storm weather my heart</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Won’t let the darkness beat me down</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Sing in the night my hope alive in You</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I’ll walk through the fire and not be burned</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Pray in the fight and watch it turn</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Jesus tonight I give it all to you</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I sang with passion, and I was <i>ticked</i>. So ticked at what Satan had tried to steal. He clouded it for far too long. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">No more!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">MY GOD IS IN CONTROL! </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He CAN and He WILL. </span><br />
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-kerning: none;">I finally believed that He will.</span><br />
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-kerning: none;">And yet, somehow even when a mind is made up thoughts come to battle.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>But, I thought I was made to do this?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i><br /></i></span>
It gets messy in the day in day out details of living.<br />
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Shortly after this undiagnosable diagnosis of “diminished ovarian reserve” (my three least favorite words), a series of tests began. More pokes, more prods. Things going where those things should never have to go. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Everything...<i>everything</i> else checked out ok, including Stephen. That was a relief, and a blow at the same time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>So it really </i>is<i> just me. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i></i></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Thank You, Lord......but, Lord?! How do I live with this? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i></i></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">How do I live each day knowing I’d wake up, failure securely in place? Trying to be a wife and make a home, knowing it’s my fault there aren’t any children there? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Sure, that’s real easy when you start the day already feeling defeated. (I wasn’t. But it sure felt that way.) </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So here’s how it played out, in all it’s unhealthy glory...</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Let me cook dinner. Because I can’t bear your children.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Let me do the laundry. Because I can’t ovulate.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Let me do the grocery shopping. Because I didn’t pass the test. Again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Let me clean...oh wait. Nope, that didn’t happen. Wasn’t enough energy. And it would’ve been way too much time spent alone with my thoughts, anyway.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Let me get dressed up and try to look hot because, well, that’s all there might be to me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I can dress up on the outside, but the inside? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Still hollow. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Still <i>barren</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It undoes a woman...to not be able to conceive. Wasn’t she made to do that very thing? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Isn’t that the very core of <i>womanhood</i>? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It wasn’t my identity. Being a wife. A mom. God had made that clear in my years of being single. My identity is being His daughter. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">A daughter of the King.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But I have felt from childhood that my Kingdom mission was to be a wife and a mom. He had already shown me how He had other things in mind too - nurse, baker, missionary, writer.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But now, here I was, married to the man of my dreams and we were ready! As ready as we can be for something so life-changing as kids. But for a woman...she just <i>knows </i>when it’s time. When the empty womb inside of her activates into a thing with emotions and desires, dreams and plans. God created it that way. We call it <i>maternal instinct</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Well, my maternal instinct had finally been activated - it was ready!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But in the midst of an empty womb and a confusing “diagnosis,” in the mess of an unfulfilled desire, I began noticing I’d put too much focus on the things I was doing for my husband. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The things I actually <i>could</i> do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Heaven forbid I miss that he was out of white shirts and he do a load of laundry. I’d feel a wave of failure so deep so fast and tears would well up. That feeling would take hours to shake. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Or, goodness, if he offered (out of his kindness as my husband and in a way to serve me) to make dinner on one of my work days? I thought I should’ve planned better to have something in the freezer or the crock pot. <i>Fail again!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I knew it wasn’t healthy. So we talked about it. Most memorably on our NYC vacation in our hotel room after a pinhead-sized mustard stain on his shorts (that he just <i>had</i> to get out) undid me. It totally undid me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>You don’t trust me to get the stain out? You didn’t believe me when I said I’d take care of it? Now you’re wanting to pay the hotel to clean them? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Am I not enough?!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">These are my racing thoughts as my innocent husband asks how much I think it would cost to have the hotel remove the stain. He had no idea what his actions were communicating to me. What world I was living in, feeling like I was failing at being a woman. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Lord, help me! I don’t know how to move! I feel like too much of a failure and not enough of a wife. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So we talked. I cried. We prayed. Stephen reminded me again that I am not a failure. To him, to God, to anyone. We prayed for God’s strength. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">For Him to move mountains. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And I mopped my face up and walked out the door to a bustling city that never sleeps, adventure ahead, hand in hand with the man who was a living reminder of Christ’s love. </span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Thank You, Lord for my husband. He is such a gift. And earthly reminder of how You fight for me as he fights for me. </i></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs9ktFEKIkbRYMogSINeSC4accV0oWsVDeXa8gdUCzWkcM9mvK20-7OY9rM_rDXfWD5cbhHOKH2NNgf2Ky75u27FGgVYuGDbjQCaWxMjO1GkHrFO8V-SxKDlAcIX_-uL5IH6mN4_svgZg/s1600/IMG_8510.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1281" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs9ktFEKIkbRYMogSINeSC4accV0oWsVDeXa8gdUCzWkcM9mvK20-7OY9rM_rDXfWD5cbhHOKH2NNgf2Ky75u27FGgVYuGDbjQCaWxMjO1GkHrFO8V-SxKDlAcIX_-uL5IH6mN4_svgZg/s320/IMG_8510.jpg" width="256" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Words by Lysa TerKeurst from her book <i>Uninvited</i>.<br />I am learning this truth more and more as our journey continues.</span></td></tr>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/qn2DwMeuINQ/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/qn2DwMeuINQ?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
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Check out this beautiful song "When the Fight Calls" by Hillsong Young & Free</div>
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<b>Check back soon for <i>Part 7: An Unexpected Hope</i> where I share a story so sweet only God could write.</b></div>
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Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-15001897473932848492017-10-14T10:58:00.000-04:002017-10-14T11:29:10.248-04:00Part 5: Easter Eggs<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">The next day, two days after our world was rocked, was more of the same. Nature again. It was the only place big enough for my soul’s cries. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I stumbled through the week, my lab redraw that Thursday. I went over to the office on my lunch break. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Held out my arm again. Gave my blood. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I requested to see my doctor, so I sat in his office and said, “Shoot me straight. Tell me what this really means. I’ve been all over the place the past couple days. I’m a nurse. I can take it. Just tell me.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">His response?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“I would be surprised if you could get pregnant even with medication. <b>You will likely need IVF and donor eggs</b>.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I held it together for the most part. I walked out of his office. Bawled to my sister on the phone, and went back to work (laboring moms and birthing babies). And then that night, Stephen and I were going to bed, we’d made it through Wednesday night, our ministry night - biggest night of the week for us. And work the next day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I let it all out. The sobs, the dark thoughts. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“This is really what God had in store all these years and didn’t tell me? Why would this be what God has for us? For you? After all you’ve been through, THIS is what He has for you? A wife that can’t give you children?! God knew all along this is the way it would be? How? How can He be a good Father and have me work for 11 years in a hospital caring for everyone else as they have their babies and I can’t have my own?! Really?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That seemed like cruelty to me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">These thoughts, all verbalized to my stone-faced husband. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">My numbness had seeped into him. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">All my tears. The snot. The pained, twisted face. He saw it all. And just soaked it in. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We prayed. Somehow in our mess of questions and heart ache. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And I drifted off to sleep wrapped in his arms, tears falling down my face and soaking my pillow.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I went to work the next morning, as Stephen hit bottom. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It was his turn to wrestle. The deep dark wrestle of a soul unsettled. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Thank You, Lord, for not letting us hit this place at the same time. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Oh, His <i>grace</i>. Even in the dark.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">At work that day, I talked with an obstetrician I work with. She talked me down off the ledge, medically speaking. IVF and donor eggs was all I could see. She cleared that air and said there’s no way I should jump to that. There are things to try first. A low AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) level cannot diagnose diminished ovarian reserve. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">One end of the spectrum to the other. It was confusing, but these words sounded better than those of the previous day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I immediately called Stephen and told him. But the damage was done. Our faith had been hit with a mighty blow. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And so began the days of telling our families. Sharing with some friends. We needed...I needed people to be with us in this. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Easter came the Sunday after this hit. Stephen and I were serving in the nursery together (<i>Again, really, Lord?! </i>Obviously, we signed up for this prior to the week of darkness). It was also my birthday...me, my ovaries, my eggs - however many were left - another year older.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It was a hard day for sure. All of it kind of surreal. The sweetest husband bringing breakfast in bed. Precious moments shared before a full day ahead. Then holding babies in the nursery...those soft hands, little baby noises, fuzzy heads - a miracle neither of us broke down. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And easter eggs everywhere. The pharmacy down the street had eggs for sale. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Eggs! $2.99 a dozen! </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>If only it were that easy. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We shared a sweet lunch with family, then dinner and cheesecake celebrating with friends that night. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">God gave us the most beautiful sunset on the way to dinner. His reminder again:</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>I am with you. I am </i>in<i> you. I see you. The hurt. I am with you in it. I know. Oh, child, how I know. </i></b></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA4C1RgI6Lz-o0BclygYq8GIj0z84FdjJnrNgN-uuae29qz2jz-enI-vwBHM4kRmLpV7GfsLTtX4yOiqnNcyc8KkroeigNoP_ydlucg0xZgCBYrISqWHB5LPNmH8-mZDSOhd6MVGC4S5w/s1600/IMG_8721.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA4C1RgI6Lz-o0BclygYq8GIj0z84FdjJnrNgN-uuae29qz2jz-enI-vwBHM4kRmLpV7GfsLTtX4yOiqnNcyc8KkroeigNoP_ydlucg0xZgCBYrISqWHB5LPNmH8-mZDSOhd6MVGC4S5w/s320/IMG_8721.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">A lot of people wake up for the Easter sunrise to celebrate our risen Savior, Jesus Christ. <br />But this year, for us, God spoke through the sunset.<br />In all the joy of the day, we were in pain. <br />This was our reminder of His everlasting love.</span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">In May, we began medication to help my body mature more eggs for ovulation, hopefully increasing our chances of conception. We began praying for twins. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It was an act of fear for me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">If we only got the chance to do this once, if there were barely any eggs left, let’s just shoot for twins, knock out two for one. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>God, you gave me a desire for four children. And now maybe none? Could you give us two at a time? Since </i><b>we don’t have time</b><i>?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It’s one thing to say “I’m scared” to someone. It’s another thing all together to look up at the sky and cry out “I’m scared” to the One who created you, the One who fashioned those clouds you see. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He is so big! So great. So mighty. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And God holds us when our strength fails. It’s like in the Footprints poem “it was then that I held you.” This would be a time where I could look back and see only one set of footprints. He is holding me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Holding <i>us</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">As He says in His Word:</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He is our refuge and strength.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">A very present help in trouble.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Psalm 46:1</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And this: </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I will say to the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ For it is He who delivers you...He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark...For you have made the Lord, my refuge, even the Most High, your dwelling place.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Psalm 91: 1-2, 4, 9</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Oh sweet Lord, we need to dwell in You. Oh to rest in Your dwelling place. A place of peace. A place of rest. The place you protect, Lord. The place you restore.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Forgive us for our unbelief. Help us to stand. Help us to stay offensively walking in Your Kingdom, here on earth and not begin to walk defensively in our own worlds. Nothing in all this changes who we are or Whose we are. Give us wisdom as we walk to choose Kingdom of Heaven thoughts, Kingdom of Heaven actions. Help us to discern enemy attacks and fight covered in your armor. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That was my prayer. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And as the months and days went by, being with Stephen became a thing of great comfort. He was the only one who really got it and was in it with me. He was sort of like a shield. If someone asked a question about starting our family, he was there too. He was there to help deflect. To help absorb the pain. He was steadiness when I wanted to die inside. He would know the pain without me having to explain. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Thank You, Jesus, for this man. For his faith when mine is weak.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Work was, well, hell for awhile. We prayed and prayed for me to be tender, not cynical. For God to give me strength to take care of laboring patients, whether they be teenager, adult, first baby or fifth. Can’t say I am proud of every moment, my actions, or my thoughts. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But God never left me, never let me down. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Even when I had to turn my head toward the computer and pretend to be charting to hide the tears. So far, we’ve made it through every shift without a complete breakdown or walking out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I’ve been close. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And then there are the “socials.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Social situations</i> = Introductions often including “Oh great to meet you! So excited for you guys! When are you gonna start popping out babies?!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Social invitations</i> = An event where someone inevitably asks “How are you?” “I’m good!” [lie]</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Social media </i>= birth announcement...cute baby pic...another birth announcement...cute baby bump pic...daddy dates...mommy dates...first day of school pictures...another cute birth announcement.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">No thanks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It was like an assault and I never knew when or where it might come from. I felt exposed and vulnerable. The end of a day meant I could finally collapse in bed, battle-weary and bruised. Rest for a bit, wake up, and enter battle again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ready or not. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So I backed up. I withdrew as much as was possible without seeming odd. Without anyone noticing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But inevitably people notice.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">If I didn’t attend your gathering, I’m sorry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">If I took forever responding to your text, I’m sorry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">If I seemed distant in our conversation, I’m sorry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">If I looked the other way as you walked by, I’m sorry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">If I didn’t ooh and aah over your baby like you thought I would, I’m sorry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">If I missed your birthday, first day, last day, big day...it’s not because I wanted to. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It’s been a time of just trying to hold on. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Hold on to Who God is. Who we know Him to be. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Trying to answer the whys and walk through the pain. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And doing that on display is exhausting. So I backed up. </span><span style="font-kerning: none;">It was way easier than being fake. I’ve never been good at that. </span>This journey is no different. </div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">As the battles increased, the feeling of being overwhelmed set in. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>How long would it last? How long could I last? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<b>Up next <i>Part 5: The Clouds Begin to Part. </i>Finally, right?! Don't worry, I'm with you. I think we've been through the darkest part of our journey in these posts (whew!), but God has so much more to reveal. I'd love for you to keep reading and sharing! Please feel free to comment below!</b></div>
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Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-3754467628335535332017-10-11T17:10:00.000-04:002017-10-11T17:10:05.417-04:00Part 4: When Dim Turns To Darkness<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">A few days later (after my check up appointment), I get the phone call I never want to get. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It was Monday, April 10, 2017....6 days before my 33rd birthday.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I’m at work, so I duck into an empty room. The doctor on the other end sounds so serious. This can’t be good. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And already, mind spinning, mouth dry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I piece together his words, like a nightmare of a puzzle, one I’d halfway expected and at the same time never thought would actually be a reality. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“Your anti-mullerian hormone level is really low. It’s a level we expect to see in someone in their 50’s, not their 30’s. It indicates diminished ovarian reserve. If this is accurate, I'm going to send you to a specialist right away.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Anti-malaria what?! I’ve never had malaria. I’ve taken malaria pills before...oh my gosh, did that cause this?!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Diminished ovarian reserve? what the heck is that? how? oh God, HOW?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>why are my ovaries acting like they’re 50? who told them they could do that? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>my eggs are gone? where the heck did they go? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i></i></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And through the racing thoughts, I hear him say it might be a mistake and he would like a redraw. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But I know. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I know after months of let-downs, not to let my hopes up. It’s not a mistake. I’ve known all along, haven’t I?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So I hold back sobs enough until I find a coworker friend and bawl on her shoulder. But then I have to make the dreaded phone call to Stephen. He needs to know. Needs to know that his wife really is a failure. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Her body really is failing us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I go to the back hallway, sneak into an empty room, close the door...call Stephen and ask if he’s got a few minutes, if he’s sitting down, as I sit down myself. I recount details the best I can, my head throbbing for holding back the tears, willing my voice to be normal as a rush of emotion is dying to come out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He takes it all in stride. I’m not really sure if he knows what it all means. But he sounds strong, steady. Sad, but sure. He says we’ll talk more when I get home.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I hang up and try not to lose it. Try not to let the dam break loose. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Not here. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Now now. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">In an empty birthing room, all by myself. I let some sobs out. Enough to hold the rest of the pressure inside. I have a shift to finish, laboring patients to take care of. Three more long hours left. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It’s a day where everything changes in an instant. Where the fear in my gut finds a voice, but in that same moment as my body goes hot and cold and numb, where my eyes sting with a rush of tears, there is that steady Voice answering...</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>I am in control.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>I Am.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>I Am that I Am.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>That is the One in control.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Another hour slowly passes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I get a chance to sneak into the bathroom, and as my world spins, I steady myself on the bathroom sink and repeat the words from Psalm 46 that He etched into my heart only two nights before:</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">God is our refuge and strength,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">A very present help in trouble.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Therefore we will not fear,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">though the earth gives way</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And though the mountains slip </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">into the heart of the sea;</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Though its waters roar and foam,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">There is a river whose streams </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">make glad the city of God,</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The holy dwelling places of the Most High.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>God is in the midst of her,</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>She will not be moved;</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>God will help her when the morning dawns. </i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i></i></b></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I needed His help.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I finished my shift, and drove home. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But it didn’t get better that night. I felt like I was spiraling downward. And fast. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I didn’t know what to think, to feel. Numbness set in pretty quickly. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But Stephen was hopeful. He knew God was bigger than this. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That afternoon after our phone conversation He went to Scripture. To a verse that was paramount for Him in our dating relationship.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Wait. An <i>egg</i>?? That’s not what it said last time he read it! He looked again. It said egg. How could that be? What’s happening? Then he looked at the book he was in: Luke 11. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The verses God had revealed to him years before was from Matthew 7. It says this:</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Oh my sweet Lord, you brought him right to that verse in Luke because you had a message for him. For us. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>You will give us an egg. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>You’re not giving us a scorpion. This journey might feel like scorpions all around. But You, God, You have an egg.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">What a sweet reminder, a direct Word from God immediately following the hard news.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But for me, the next morning happened in slow motion. The day before’s lab results still a reality. The night before’s conversation of how my body was failing us still in my mind.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We woke up, Stephen held me before he left for work, told me he loved me, whispered in my ear “<i>I choose you, today and every day</i>,” and off to work he went. (He had no idea how in the coming months, those words would be a lifeline. A reminder of his steady resolve to choose me, no matter what, children or not. It’s amazing how the mind can play tricks, tell you things that are so far from truth. <b>Why would he want to be married to you? You’re not pretty enough. You’re not faithful enough. And on top of it all, you can’t even have children! </b>Then these words would softly come back to me in the midst of those dark thoughts. <i>I choose you, today and every day.</i> I would take a deep breath and choose to trust him.) </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But this morning, I grabbed the tissue box and went back to bed. The dam finally gave way. Mind a mess of thoughts, none good. Tears, big crocodile tears, running down my face. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Then sobs. Thank goodness for pillows. And being in a house all alone. Somehow the sobs don’t seem as bad muffled in a pillow. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And somewhere in the middle of it, I remember what I learned in nursing school about self-care and grieving and I know you can’t stay in bed all day. I get up to try to eat something, and I want to go to the park. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I get as far as the kitchen before I melt in a puddle on the floor, gutteral sobs coming from my body. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">A sound I’ve never heard before. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It scares me enough to pick myself up and move again. I go to the park. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Outside. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Where God always is. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And no one would know me. Phone in hand, I stumbled - quite literally - down the path. It was too noisy. I turned around, drove to another park. More secluded. No people. No street noise. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Just me and God. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And this song “Psalm 46 (Lord of Hosts)” found its way through my phone speakers. It was on repeat. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><a href="https://genius.com/Shane-and-shane-psalm-46-lord-of-hosts-lyrics#note-10829691"><i>Lord of Hosts, You're with us<br />
With us in the fire<br />
With us as a shelter<br />
With us in the storm<br />
You will lead us<br />
Through the fiercest battle<br />
Oh where else would we go<br />
But with the Lord of Hosts</i></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i></i></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i></i></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Thank You, Lord, for helping me when I was literally at my lowest. Truth washing over my soul when my thoughts couldn’t be trusted. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I think I managed to shower when I got home, put on some make up and have something ready for dinner before Stephen came home that night, his shell of a wife could at least look the part.</span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZarUCMrLmeCNyuhyLcpln6ZwPUI-Km0lGG_j2yw5OfqhsCfaWz-KaLOSRoeHSfBJq3x7PpMio9Wmjid1QttuknIJXAHHLkJdJutv_jxkg1CCfMVJO8wlhm-Ne__3Ab2ZRVfZAyYzHhtA/s1600/IMG_8692.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZarUCMrLmeCNyuhyLcpln6ZwPUI-Km0lGG_j2yw5OfqhsCfaWz-KaLOSRoeHSfBJq3x7PpMio9Wmjid1QttuknIJXAHHLkJdJutv_jxkg1CCfMVJO8wlhm-Ne__3Ab2ZRVfZAyYzHhtA/s320/IMG_8692.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">I took this picture that day at the park. I'm not sure why really.<br />I was laying on a picnic table, the "Lord of Hosts" song on repeat,<br />and the sky was so massive, so beautiful. And the sun, so piercing.<br />It's ironic now, the intense light in the darkest of dark,<br />that's right where God meets us...in the dark...<br />and He is the Light.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Thank the Lord, our journey doesn't end there. <i>Part 5: Easter Eggs</i> coming soon!</b></span></div>
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Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-57547085948398309222017-10-08T17:37:00.000-04:002017-10-08T20:47:30.330-04:00Part 3: God's Light In The Dim<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">A couple weeks after naming my fear of infertility, Stephen and I were with our students at Woodlands Camp, up in the north Georgia mountains. It was DIGG retreat weekend. One of our favorite weekends with our students.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Saturday morning, I found myself up front in the big new sanctuary room, surrounded in a sea of students, worshiping with all their hearts. The theme of the whole weekend was prayer. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">In the middle of these students, my arms in the air, we sang these words </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>With every breath</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>With every heartbeat</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And I prayed, <i>Oh God, would you make a heartbeat inside my womb?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It came from the depths of my heart before I really even knew it. And the answer before I could’ve ever formulated it on my own. It’s my favorite when He does that. When my heart gushes out a prayer, an ask, a longing, a surrender. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And He answers from His glorious goodness. A voice so soft, so tender, but so sure. I knew it could never be mine. Not even a question. It couldn’t be mine because I couldn’t have even thought that fast. I had barely completed my heart prayer and there was His voice. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The sweetest. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The most tender. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That voice that says everything is going to be OK. It begs me to trust Him, not in words, but in a knowing. Like He knows me and I know Him. It was almost like I could feel His hand on my soul, calming me. And His words? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>I will.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He will. He didn’t reveal the when. But He gave an answer. He will make a heartbeat inside my womb. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He will. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And He is so trustworthy. So. Trustworthy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I sat back down and couldn’t stop thinking about what I heard. How kind of God!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Right after this session, we went into a time of prayer. Each student and leader encouraged to head to one of the designated spots to connect with the Lord.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I opened my Bible and started reading. God brought me to this passage:</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Isaiah 42:5-9, MSG:</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">God’s Message, the God who created the cosmos, stretched out the skies, laid out the earth and all that grows from it, Who breathes life into earth’s people, makes them alive with his own life: “I am God, I have called you to live right and well. I have taken responsibility for you, kept you safe. I have set you among my people to bind them to me, and provided you as a lighthouse to the nations, to make a start at bringing people into the open, into the light: opening blind eyes, releasing prisoners from dungeons, emptying the dark prisons. I am God. That’s my name. I don’t franchise my glory, don’t endorse the no-god idols. Take note: The earlier predictions of judgment have been fulfilled. I’m announcing the new salvation work. Before it bursts on the scene, I’m telling you all about it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Wow. Ok God. You are God. I am not. Your ways are so much higher than mine. We trust that </i>You will.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Then March came. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Surely this would be the month! After what God had spoken!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Nope. Sure wasn’t. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I had God’s sweet reminders, but I also had my body’s rude ones. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It was hard to hear His voice through the warring. There was peace and trust and comfort whenever we read His Word. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But there was also reality of how my body wasn’t cooperating. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">My daily temps were no longer an easy chart to read. They were haywire, leaving me confused and frustrated. I wanted so badly to be able to interpret timing accurately, for me, for Stephen. All he could do was look to me and trust what I was seeing and feeling. But it didn’t make any sense.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And then the night sweats. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">They started as far back as October, not consistent. But they were there. In Kenya too. And now, in March, I wake up drenched. An awful reminder of my body operating against my will. It’s something I have no control over. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Talk about getting in your head. Waking up to your alarm at 5 in the morning, wet and gross. A slap in the face. But there wasn’t time to dwell. I’d shower and rush to work, another 12-hour day of caring for laboring moms ahead. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And God would encourage. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">He continued to speak. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">One of the ways I love to meet with Him is through nature. I just love experiencing His creation. Often I feel like it’s a gift of beauty He created just for me. I see and feel His love so easily through nature. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">One morning I was sitting with Him on our bed, the window blinds open, a full view of the trees right in front of me. I was pouring my heart out to Him about our desire to have kids and mourning another month with a period. In the midst of my pain and prayers, He brought the sweetest birdsong in through the window. I looked out and saw a robin. He reminded me of His Word in Matthew 6:26:</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Look at the birds of the air...are you not much more valuable than they? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It had a way of instantly calming my soul.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">A few weeks later, He did it again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That birdsong, drifting in the window. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I had been sitting with Him for awhile, I hadn’t heard any outside noises. None at all. And then there it was, clear and loud and it literally stopped my thoughts in their tracks. It was like His direct song of peace for right then in that moment. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">One morning a few more weeks later, I was having a sweet lazy morning breakfast at home with my husband. Pancakes and OJ and lingering conversation. As we washed the dishes and put them away, I glanced out the window above the sink. I did a double-take! There on the fence sat the fattest most pregnant robin I have ever seen. The one, I am certain, has been singing to me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Lord, have your way.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Even yet, even with moments like these, at this point I was feeling raw. Not sure what to think. To feel. Not ever sure what my body was doing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And all this 8 months in, without any real reason to believe I couldn’t bear children. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Thank you very much, little childhood fear run rampant in my heart and mind.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It had finally been long enough to seek some medical advice. Run some tests. Do some lab work. Ask the hard questions. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It should all be fine. Shouldn’t it?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I hate tests. All in my school years, I loathed them. Well, here was a test. A big one. One I could fail and have no control over. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I stick out my arm, give my blood and say a prayer. Will it to be good...healthy?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And we wait. </span></div>
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Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-88041020161096095492017-10-05T07:38:00.000-04:002017-10-08T16:08:52.715-04:00Part 2: Failures and Fear<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">You know, it amazed me how quickly trying to start our family turned from something exciting into something fearful. Every month began to feel like a failure. Like my body was failing us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Three months in I couldn’t imagine what a year would be like, one year in and my heart aches for those with longer journeys than ours. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Every month you try, and then you wait. Oh, the dreaded wait. That waiting time feels like a test you have no control over. Will it be pass or fail this time? And even though I don’t have control, I still felt it was my fault when it was negative again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>I feel like it's my fault.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That failure is like a big monster laughing in your face as you fight back sobs and fall into your husband’s arms and tell him you’re so sorry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Marriage gets really real in those moments. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And my husband is so tender, so kind. So quick to remind me <i>every time</i> that “it’s not your fault, hun.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Which always made me cry harder. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Because he was so sweet. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Why, God, wouldn’t you give us this desire? If not for me, then for him?!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">One month hit particularly hard. We were leading a team in Kenya last December. A couple days into the trip, my body told me I wasn’t pregnant. After a rather stressful departure experience (I somehow managed to leave my suitcase in our vehicle at church!) and two days of grueling travel, I was emotionally stretched, physically exhausted, and didn’t want to be distracted from the most amazing experience of serving the Lord in Kenya with my husband - a dream come true!!! But the cramps...and that flow...it messed with me. It got in my head. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>You didn’t do it again. You can’t do this. You can’t get pregnant.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>You’re not a good leader. Stop being so selfish! Just get over yourself and be joyful for the team!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Why are you so tired? So distracted? So empty?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>You’re not even fit to be the wife of a pastor. You’re an awful person, an awful wife. So sinful.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>You fail at everything!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I wish I could tell you I exaggerated those thoughts to write this. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But those are <i>literally</i> the thoughts that went through my head. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I shared some with Stephen one night in our hotel room. I think he was, for the first time in this journey, genuinely concerned if I was OK. We talked about a game plan to help me when I got home, hoping my mind was battling harder because of the malaria prophylaxis medications I was taking. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This was four months in.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This certainly wasn’t the fun let’s-start-a-family journey we thought it would be.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And yet somehow you know you’ll get through it. Even though you can’t bare the thought. But you feel like you’ll be a little bit more hollow on the other end. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">You walk around like it’s a badge of shame. Hi, I’m Erin, the one who can’t bear children, one who’s too old, who’s eggs are all gone. One who fails her husband at the one thing she longs for most to give him. Fatherhood.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That’s me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And we try again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Maybe God is just waiting for a positive test in February, wouldn’t that be a nice birthday gift for Stephen?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And I dreamed of how I would tell him. Of the birthday gift I could surprise him with. Different scenarios running through my head. I think, of course, God - <i>this</i> is why it hasn’t happened yet! Of course! How sweet this will be!</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But another negative. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>God, this would have been great timing! Why? Why are you holding out?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">A few days later, I attended the Forme event in Lawrenceville. A gathering of women for worship, the Word, fellowship. The speaker for this particular gathering was <a href="http://rebekahlyons.com/" target="_blank">Rebekah Lyons</a>, author of <i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/You-Are-Free-Who-Already/dp/0310345529/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1507492201&sr=8-1&keywords=you+are+free+rebekah+lyons" target="_blank">You Are Free: Be Who You Already Are</a></i>. I rushed in a few minutes late, coming from work. I was tired and a bit frazzled, but I snuck in the row next to my sweet friend. Some worship to settle my soul, my pounding heart. And then Rebekah Lyons. About being free.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Here are the fragmented notes I took from her talk that night. They had a way of speaking right to me:</span></div>
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<li><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Women are made from life to usher in life.</span></li>
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<li><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">There’s a contempt between the enemy and Eve. He’s gonna go after her ability to create life and he will try to prevent it.</span></li>
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<li><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">We go numb, we tune out, we lose our voice.</span></li>
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<li><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Awareness breeds action. Always.</span></li>
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<li><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Be aware of the hatred.</span></li>
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<li><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">The fall is around you, but the hope of glory is IN you.</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me. - Psalm 18:19 </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">(One of my favorite verses since God spoke through it a few years ago!!!)</span></li>
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<li><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">We are also always going to be given over to death so the resurrection of Jesus lives in us.</span></li>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Wow. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And at the end of her message, we had a time of prayer, a time of releasing fear and walking in freedom. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I never walk forward for these things. Never.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But this night, I knew I needed to. Heart beating out of my chest, I made the long walk down the aisle. Hoping people wouldn’t notice it was me. I’m supposed to be fine. Have things together. I don’t want people to wonder what was wrong. Is it my marriage? No. But would they wonder?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Oh, fear, you stupid stupid thing!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Finally I was at the front. I shared my fear of not being able to have children with one of the women. And I was prayed over as the tears flowed down my cheeks. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I had finally named it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Infertility.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And so began a deep desire to see it released. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It seemed simple enough. God has helped me release fears before. What I didn’t know was the depth of a hold this one had on me, and how releasing this fear would take longer and break harder than I ever thought. </span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqNV8MT6NXi5G0lh0E0P24iHL-3HijKjR8ZIVSCOwie7XIx7FYiTa7Oq4ZX057OMQKc_SW1rLWGXFWh9oaMwNgG1ELVh8GjMc8dRqml_amLJ6sS4l3MAvQGaHpY2ah40nlHlXH_gWNM4g/s1600/IMG_8502.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1334" data-original-width="750" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqNV8MT6NXi5G0lh0E0P24iHL-3HijKjR8ZIVSCOwie7XIx7FYiTa7Oq4ZX057OMQKc_SW1rLWGXFWh9oaMwNgG1ELVh8GjMc8dRqml_amLJ6sS4l3MAvQGaHpY2ah40nlHlXH_gWNM4g/s400/IMG_8502.jpg" width="223" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo cred: <a href="http://www.michelezakeri.com/" target="_blank">Michele Zakeri</a></td></tr>
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Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-22838983589432447282017-10-01T17:47:00.001-04:002017-10-01T17:47:20.935-04:00Part I: That Little Insignificant Fear <div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: "Lucida Sans Typewriter"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name; they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Isaiah 55:13</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ok, I don’t know even where to begin. But I need to write. God has made that clear. And I am finally being obedient. Finally responding to His ask. His prompt. It’s scary because infertility is such a private battle, such an emotional battle. It hits such deep cords. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And I don’t want to offend. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This is in no way to impose judgement on anyone else’s journey. It’s not to say that our’s is right and anyone else’s is wrong. Not at all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Please hear me in that. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Please understand this is an act of obedience, in the hope and prayer that it will glorify God, that it will help someone else on the journey of life, help someone else in their pain. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And so God has told me to write. I can only write our journey. That is what I will do, as messy and raw as it is. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Please receive it in kindness. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">God has reminded me of His sweet love and goodness on the way here to Boulder Creek, this sweet coffee shop. He revealed the above Scripture to me in June, right before we went to NTS camp with our students. There were several myrtles on campus. His love. That’s about the time He began to speak about sharing our infertility journey. On the way here today, I saw so many of those trees! I wouldn’t be surprised if He moved them all along my path so I would see them and be reminded. I took one little step in obedience - going to the coffee shop to write. No distractions of home. Just writing our story. And here He showered me with reminders of His promises. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Thank You, Lord. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I’ll start at the beginning. I’m not sure where else to start, really. But it goes way back. Like waaaay back. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">When I was a little girl, dolls and playing house were my life. I had a water baby named Gabrielle. She was my girl. I remember holding her on the way to church one time (church was about a 40 minute drive), and my arm was getting tired - water babies are heavy! - and I thought, <i>I can’t put her down, this is good practice...I’m building my muscle for when I have kids of my own</i>. If only muscle tone hung around that long, ha. Every dime I earned went towards baby blankets or tiny little socks. I remember vividly the Christmas I got a little doll bunk bed set. My babies had a sweet place to lay their heads! I would hold and rock and swaddle and change their clothes until my little heart was content. And all the while, I’d do this with a little orange and white basketball we had tucked up under my shirt. Oh yes, I was “with child.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">All. The. Time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It’s funny to think about now, but it was real life back then. All I ever wanted to do was be a mommy and make a home. It was innocent enough. No one forced me to, it was just my heart all free and young and bursting with dreams. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And then one day, that innocence found a crack. I was seven or eight years old, in my room playing with a little friend of mine. Her name was Bethany. I remember wondering why she was an only child. That afternoon when she left, I asked my mom, as little children do, with no regard to sensitive topics such as how many kids a woman has and why. So I asked. And her reply would open the door to a fear I never could’ve imagined would grow so deep, so wide, without me even knowing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">My mom’s response? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“She’s an only child because her parents couldn’t have children. They adopted her.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>She couldn’t have children...</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I couldn’t get that phrase out of my head. <i>She couldn’t have children? Why? Why would someone not be able to have children? Would I not be able to have children? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">These thoughts rocked my happy little play world. But as time went on and life flew by, I tucked the little thought away, moving forward into middle school, a family move, learning to play an instrument, wearing make up...all the things that occupy a teenager’s mind. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But that thought would bubble up every once in awhile. When I met someone with only one child. Or no children. Or I heard about a pregnancy that didn’t end as planned.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And somewhere in my growing up world, that little basketball up my shirt turned into a love for pregnancy and delivery. High School would bring about a career choice as a nurse...labor and delivery, of course. 11 years into that career (which was only chosen as an “until”...I’ll do this <i>until</i> I get to be a wife and mom and stay home with my kiddos), I have been a part of hundreds of births. Some joyful and some not. Some prayed for and some not. Some wanted and some not so much. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That little thought of not being able to have children somewhere deep inside all the while. But I paid little mind to it. After all, a single girl waiting for her husband isn’t exactly concerned with children at the moment.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Until he comes. And sweeps her off her feet. He’s the pony she’s waited so long for. The one she’s prayed for. One that holds a deep desire to be a father, just as she does to be a mother. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And that thought, that fear, would wiggle it’s way in a little more often. There was no reason for it. It was completely unfounded. I’ve been healthy all my life. Had annual (well, close to it anyway) checkups since I was 18. No problems. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Ever.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">But still I wondered. It was after all, the thing I wanted most in life. The thing I felt I was made for. What if it couldn’t be?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That’s where it would end- I could never come up with an answer for that question, so I’d push the thought down hard, shake my head, and move on. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And shortly after that little {grown} girl walked down the aisle, fear crashed into reality. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">Two months into our marriage we began trying. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And trying.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And trying.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Month after month. A negative test. A red flow so unwelcomed it hurt. It ached deep. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And we learned little lessons along the way. Like how to share hard news with each other. How to be sensitive to what each other was feeling about something so deep. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We focused on these verses:</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">We have this hope as an anchor for our souls, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:14</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Let us hold unswervingly for the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I learned that pregnancy was a gift, a blessing, I couldn’t make happen. As women, with multiple ways to prevent having children, multiple ways to manage that little monthly visitor, we are led to believe it’s all within our power. I knew how to take my temps every morning, read the signs. I can prevent a pregnancy and when I stop preventing, pregnancy will will happen. I can make this happen.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Or can I? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It’s not mine to make happen. It’s the Lord’s. That was a painful, but sweet lesson. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I’d research online, find every tip and hint and suggestion. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>I need to eat healthier, work out more, sleep more, do more yoga, stop drinking caffeine, stop eating sweets...</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i></i></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Maybe if I lay here longer, stand on my head...am I running too hard?...not running hard enough?...work is so stressful, I need to be less stressed...oy, when did I get so fragile?...</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>But God...You are in control. I am not. I cannot control this into happening. The blessing of children is not mine to give to my husband, but Yours to give to both of us. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i></i></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>So why aren’t You? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">That became the next question. And this is about the time that people would ask when we were going to start a family. It was a hard question to answer. I wondered what people would think. But every time the question was asked, that fear, which had turned into a pit in my stomach, would throb and grow bigger. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And then people would guess. (I’m not a good liar.) And they would give well-meaning advice. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“Just have fun, don’t worry about it! It’ll happen in time.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Time...yeah, I was married at 32...and that reminder every month told me exactly how much time this was taking.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“Just stop trying, it’ll happen.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Um. Have you ever stopped trying to get something you’re dying to have? It’s darn near impossible. But thanks.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i></i></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“Have you tried...?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>I’m an OB nurse. I’ve heard of it, I’ve tried it. Trust me.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“But you’re so young! You have plenty of time!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Do you know how old I am? “Plenty” left awhile ago. And either way, when you feel it’s time and it’s not happening, it doesn’t matter how young you are.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“Take your time, just enjoy each other...life will never be the same...you have no idea how exhausting kids are!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Um. I do enjoy my husband. Every day. I would love to enjoy seeing him in the role of father too. Exhausted or not. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“You can have mine for the weekend, that might change your mind.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Clearly you have never struggled trying to have kids. We’ll just leave it at that. And you can keep your children.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The list goes on and on. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Well-meaning words of encouragement. Or at least I tell myself they were well-meaning. Because I wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Here’s the phrase that maybe could just be one that trumps all:</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“I’m so sorry, I’m sure that must be really hard.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It is. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Thank you. Very much. </span></div>
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<b>(Check back soon...in the next installment of our journey I share more about that fear, what I had to do about it, and how God began to speak into our hearts.)</b></div>
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Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-55025388872076455462017-01-31T15:06:00.000-05:002017-01-31T15:06:33.730-05:00God Is Not a LibrarianI suppose I better write about the first lesson associated with sow before I get too behind. We're already on to the second lesson, but it might be awhile before I can put words to that one.<br />
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As I've mentioned, <i>sow</i> is my word of the year.<br />
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Well, more like a version of sow.<br />
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sow<br />
sow(n)<br />
sow(er)<br />
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Sow means to plant (seed) by scattering it in or on the earth. I like that. I like doing things with my hands, baking, crocheting, creating. Sowing.<br />
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I like to not just sow something for the heck of it. I like results. You take flour, sugar, butter, salt, and a little almond extract and you can make the most delicious shortbread cookies. Warm and flaky and buttery.<br />
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<i>Mmm-mm. </i><br />
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But you don't just throw the ingredients into a bowl...you <i>sow</i> them.<br />
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I am a <i>sower</i>.<br />
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But I am also <i>sown</i>.<br />
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See the God of the universe, the One who created me in His image, He loves me so much that He won't leave me the same. He sows things into me to make me who He created me to be. The me before sin, the me after redemption.<br />
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He sows things like love. joy. peace.<br />
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And grace.<br />
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He is teaching me that grace can be sown.<br />
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The other day I was having a conversation with a friend about how sometimes we feel we need to have things a little (ok, a LOT) more put together. Especially when it comes to devotion time with the Lord.<br />
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We've both been through some major life changes the past year (marriage and babies...me the marriage, her the baby), so, naturally, life will look a little different.<br />
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We need adjustment time.<br />
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I encouraged her to give herself some grace as she adjusted.<br />
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Later that night, I was thanking God for the grace period following major life change.<br />
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And I realized something about grace.<br />
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It's not a grace period.<br />
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It's grace. Period.<br />
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God is not a librarian giving you a grace period. (But thank you to librarians everywhere for that wonderful 5 day grace period. Does that actually still exist?)<br />
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The God of your soul is giving you grace. Heaps of it. Every day. Forever.<br />
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No grace period needed.<br />
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I don't know about you, but that makes me take a deep deep breath...in...and...out.<br />
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He isn't going to start fining you for needing Him 6 months into your marriage when you are <i>still </i>finding your rhythm.<br />
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He isn't going to charge you for not sitting with him for uninterrupted lengthy periods of time every day right after having a baby (or when you don't have a baby, for that matter).<br />
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He isn't going to add to your tab when you open Candy Crush for the 18th time in a day instead of YouVersion.<br />
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He will give you grace. Period.<br />
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Grace to learn how to grow relationships as home and family shift.<br />
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Grace to learn how to incorporate time with Him into every day tasks.<br />
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Grace to learn how to tune into His voice as the voice of a crying, babbling, cooing little one suddenly enters your world.<br />
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Grace to learn how to embrace humility and retrain old habits.<br />
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What area of your life do you need to recognize as covered in grace?<br />
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Where are you sitting in guilt or shame and instead could be walking in freedom?<br />
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Where are you feeling less-than or overwhelmed and need to just surrender to the One who holds all things together so we can let all things go?<br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">2 Corinthians 12:9</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.</span><br />
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<br />Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-4893119014928399362017-01-17T10:27:00.000-05:002017-01-17T13:18:37.184-05:00Squirrel WatchingThis morning I got to sit in my favorite spot and have devotion time. The spot that took awhile to find. The spot where I feel relaxed and open and cozy (but not too cozy). There are a few reasons why it's my favorite place in our house to spend time with God.<br />
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It's the holiest room in our house.<br />
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Sound strange? Let me explain. We were encouraged in our pre-marital counseling to make our bedroom the holiest place in the house. A protected space. A technology free space (goodbye treadmill and TV). Aside from a few lamps for practicality, it is candles and clean lines and clutter-free. It is a sanctuary. With soft grays and creams and yellows, a few accents of lively green. And don't forget the blackout curtains (if you ask me, they're a must).<br />
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But those blackout curtains cover a glorious window that overlooks a wooded area behind our house.<br />
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Reason number two why this cozy spot is my favorite: a view of nature.<br />
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If I prop a few pillows up at the end of the bed, it's the perfect place to sit and gaze out the window while I read, journal, think, chat with God. In the morning the sun streams in and it almost feels like God is washing me clean, warming me with His presence, filling me with peace before sending me out into this world.<br />
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This morning there was no sun. I awoke to an overcast and rather gloomy day. But you know what? These days are some of my favorite. There is something energizing about them for me. For some reason I feel the space and capacity to be in my own thoughts. I don't feel guilty about not going outside. I can stay in and be and do and <i>think</i>. Oh man, am I ever an introvert!<br />
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As I sat in my spot this morning, my gaze drifted out to the woods. On days like these, it's easy to pick up any movement, any little critter that might be scurrying along or fluttering by. You don't have the rays of sun to shield your view.<br />
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I was reading Psalm 139 (one of my all-time favorite chapters of the Bible). It about how God formed me, created me, <i>knows</i> me. (If you haven't read it, go do it...right now.) As I let God's reminder of these words sow into my soul, I looked out to watch a squirrel on our fence.<br />
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I love watching the movements of animals. They can be so graceful, confident, unsure, powerful. In the case of the squirrel: funny and quirky. His movements were jumpy and skittish. But I watched in delight from my cozy spot. Knowing he had no idea anyone was interrupting his morning scavenging.<br />
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I was just admiring God's creation, His handiwork. His creativity. His beauty.<br />
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In a squirrel.<br />
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And then it hit me: this creature was most certainly created by God and deemed by Him "<i>good</i>."<br />
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But what about us? Humans? Man and woman? We were created <i>in His image</i>. And deemed by Him "<i>very good</i>." (Check out Genesis 1.)<br />
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Do I look at humans and see "very good?" Do I admire the way we were created, our unique personalities, our character traits, our genes?<br />
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The way we were ALL created <i>in His image</i>.<br />
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It reminds me of a time with my mom and sister. We were on a family vacation in Maine (which also happens to be my favorite spot in the US). We had a little time to kill as we waited for my dad and brother to join us for dinner - at Rosalie's, I'm sure. It is after all my favorite pizza place on the planet. (This was back in the days before cell phones were widespread and you had to just set a time and place to meet up later in the day and whether or not you were ready or had ample time to kill, you met at that pre-determined time and place...crazy, right?!)<br />
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The three of us were sitting on a park bench on the side of a street filled with shops in the quaint town of Bar Harbor. It was a busy summer evening with many passersby. We were chatting and people-watching which led to chatting <i>about </i>the people we were watching...in not the most positive way.<br />
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And then my mom challenged us: what if we came up with one positive thing to say about every person that walked by. What if we left the negativity and judgment out of it and focused on a beautiful feature.<br />
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It was so. much. fun.<br />
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Older retired couples, younger couples, families on vacation, dread-donning hippie college students, townspeople, workers.<br />
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Something positive about them all.<br />
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That memory has stuck with me all these years. And I was reminded of it again this morning while watching the squirrel.<br />
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We are all created in God's image, the most beautiful, holy, perfect being of all.<br />
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Do I see that?<br />
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Do I love people for how God created them?<br />
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Do I look at them and really see God's beauty?<br />
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Do you?<br />
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<br />Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-53424419186569244562017-01-11T11:42:00.000-05:002017-01-11T11:42:22.475-05:00The ListThis whole idea of goals for 2017 has me all tangled. I love making goals. I love lists. And crossing things off lists.<br />
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But I sit down to write goals for 2017 and I'm stuck. I've made lists of goals for the year before. I even crossed a few things off the list. But this year is different. I find myself waffling. Feeling directionless. Undefined.<br />
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Maybe it's because I know myself well and how I leave lists unfinished. And this one matters. It's significant. I want to be better. I want to actually complete the list. But...it's me. The one who doesn't have her mess together. The one who doesn't always live with consistency. I can manage to brush my teeth twice a day and floss every day. EVERY DAY. And yet I can't seem to manage other small tasks that would bring great change in my life. Consistently.<br />
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Or maybe it's because of so much change last year. I took on a new last name, on one of the most joyous days of my entire life! I said goodbye to life as a Cooper and became Mrs. Perry. Stephen and I celebrated 6 months of marriage on January 1st - and what an incredible 6 months they have been! So many joys, a lot of focus as we've learned to be students of each other, a lot of growth, surrender, prayer, the list goes on an on. And somehow, in the changes of a new name, a new home, a new role and title, I'm finding myself the same.<br />
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The same sin. The same disappointments. The same failures (and gratefully, I know failure is not final). There was mess and grossness that covered me as a Cooper. And wouldn't you know it, it's there as a Perry too.<br />
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Dang.<br />
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I became acutely aware of this when my introverted self needed to be extroverted for a very extended period of time.<br />
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I became emotional, weary, needy, selfish, grumpy, short. A whole list of things I'd like to never see in myself again.<br />
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I had that moment where the realization hit: I don't really like me.<br />
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I don't say that to be overdramatic. Or negative.<br />
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But the reality is, in my sin and brokenness...I am gross.<br />
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Sitting with God in my sin is something I'd rather not do. It's not a comfortable place to be. It's painful and messy and it sucks. To be honest, I don't do it very often. Not near often enough. But repentance is a necessity. Something I'd like to do more of in 2017 (goal #1?).<br />
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And the unbelievable part is that God doesn't leave me to sit in my sin. (Hallelujah!!!)<br />
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He covers my naked, vulnerable, prostrate, helpless, broken self with His righteousness. (Thank you to my incredible accountability partner for this gentle reminder last night.)<br />
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His <i>grace</i>.<br />
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He makes me to walk with strength and dignity.<br />
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That is only possible through the hope of His Son, Jesus Christ, because there is nothing strong or of dignity in me...on my own. (I am reminded of this at 5:30 am when I roll out of bed to start a 12 hour shift...no matter how I might try to perform...the strength just isn't there.)<br />
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But with Him I am made new.<br />
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And that's really what I'd like to be.<br />
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Made new. Consistently.<br />
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I went back to my still empty list of "2017 Goals" and thought, <i>what would it look like to be the person I want to be, the person God wants me to be? Who is that? What does she look like? </i><br />
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She looks like a whole lot more discipline.<br />
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And she walks with a whole lot more patience...for herself and others.<br />
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And she'd have to live in grace.<br />
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That word. <i>Grace</i>. It is probably the most complex word I know. It is a word where you can read the meaning and think you understand, but you really have no idea what it means. Until you need it. Heaps of it. Again and again and again.<br />
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And then you think you've got it. <i>Grace</i>.<i> I am covered in grace. I walk in grace.</i><br />
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And then you realize an even deeper need for it and you wonder if you ever really understood it to begin with!<br />
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Enter: my word of the year.<br />
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<i>Sow.</i><br />
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Oh, sweet Jesus, would you sow grace into me? Would you make me a garden where grace is sown. Make my life graceful.<br />
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Grace. <i>Full.</i><br />
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I am reminded of a year ago when we attended Atlanta Ballet's Nutcracker. Watching the ballerinas? Talk about grace! I wrote about it <a href="http://erinflewthecoop.blogspot.com/2015/12/grace-before-my-very-eyes.html" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
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That is a new version of me. A me where grace is sown.<br />
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So my goals are still being written. I struggle to release my vision and embrace God's. Sometimes our goals don't always align.<br />
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wake up early every day.<br />
be productive.<br />
get things done.<br />
finish lists.<br />
blog more.<br />
read more.<br />
exercise more.<br />
eat healthier.<br />
budget better.<br />
think with more focus.<br />
journal more.<br />
love your job.<br />
be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend.<br />
have a consistent morning routine.<br />
have a consistent nightly routine.<br />
disciple more.<br />
protect simplicity.<br />
more Jesus.<br />
more grace.<br />
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That's my list of unmeasurable goals. Basically every area of my life could use change. That's encouraging. But it's a start. Now I take that list and <i><b>let God have His way with it</b>.</i><br />
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He can cross things off. Add to it.<br />
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Heck, He might even crumple the whole thing up and start fresh.<br />
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A fresh start? That sounds nice. Thank you, Lord, for mercies every morning (Lamentations 3:23).<br />
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I will surrender and sit in His grace and ask Him to write my "2017 Goals" list. Maybe then, by His grace and the power of His Spirit, I might actually complete it.<br />
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<br />Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-64435552343733061742016-05-04T13:41:00.003-04:002016-05-09T10:21:33.044-04:00The Love of A FatherLately I have been completely enraptured by a song.<br />
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It's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl1UGN2x_48" target="_blank">Elevation Worship's "Call Upon The Lord."</a> We sang it at 12Stone several weeks ago. Then again at Night of Worship. Something about the song is just so powerful to me.<br />
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I have been trying to figure out why, I mean, for obvious reasons it's a powerful song. But why for me in <i>this</i> time is it so gripping? I downloaded it the other day. I put it on repeat this morning on my way to small group. </div>
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And it hit me.<br />
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There is power in singing a song that speaks faith into an area of struggle, an area where you feel like you're sinking. It's almost like the song is pulling you up into the faith you want to have.</div>
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There is <i>another power altogether</i> in singing a song that claims victory of what you <i>know</i> to be true about God's faith <i>in</i> that struggle, looking back in freedom as your head is once again above water. (Not on dry land, mind you...in many ways I'm in deeper water than before, but no longer drowning.)</div>
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It's powerful because you've been there. In the undercurrent.</div>
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And by the grace of God, your faith has lived to tell about it. </div>
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There was a time, not so many years ago, that proved to be the hardest and honestly just plain most confusing years of my life. </div>
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I won't go back into it all, it is a blog for another post. (One that has already been written...or rather 12. See the first of them <a href="http://erinflewthecoop.blogspot.com/2012/08/my-scarlett-letter_6491.html" target="_blank">here</a>.) But it was this time of Singlehood that brought me lower than my knees, it sometimes brought me to fetal position on the floor. And in this posture, God taught me how to own this struggle, to name it (<a href="http://erinflewthecoop.blogspot.com/2012/08/defining-it-iiixii.html" target="_blank">singlehood</a>), claim the truth of who I was in it (understanding <a href="http://erinflewthecoop.blogspot.com/2012/08/ladies-our-identity.html" target="_blank">my identity</a> as His daughter), and learn to walk in the freedom He had for me.</div>
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It's the thought of that freedom that grips me right now. I don't know why walking into that was so hard. Maybe it was the letting go of expectation, hopes, and dreams. Letting go of my will. Embracing His. </div>
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But the reality is that my will was actually keeping me in shackles. </div>
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The song says "Rise, your shackles are no more, for Jesus Christ has broken every chain." The process of God removing those shackles was painful. It felt safe to just remain chained. </div>
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Chained to my expectations, to my idea of what my life should look like (married out of college with x amount of kids, a house, the minivan, yada yada). I was living in a way that kept the chains on. My freedom was purchased but because of my pain and fear, I <i>chose</i> to remain shackled. </div>
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Letting Him remove the shackles, one by one, was scary. </div>
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It was release of control. </div>
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It was fear of not knowing how to walk, where to go. </div>
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And once those chains are gone, the bruises left behind are completely visible. That is a level of vulnerability I'd just as soon not embrace. But that isn't what this life of Christianity has called me to.</div>
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As the song says, "Jesus' name will break every stronghold/ Freedom is ours when we call His name."</div>
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That freedom...oh, that sweet freedom. To retrace the steps of that freedom since 2012 is overwhelming...</div>
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*A seemingly long (at the time) journey of discipline to debt-free living... </div>
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*Having to leave student ministry for a career I never wanted to have...</div>
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*A trip to Guatemala to teach me some powerful lessons in partnership, a trip to Colombia where God stirred the already-brewing confusion pot...and three trips to Africa with countless memories, faces, emotions, souls...</div>
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*The last of those trips, opening my eyes to the gift God was giving me - that career I was ungrateful for turned out to be a treasure from Him I squandered all this time...</div>
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*Knowing the grace that comes in repentance as I learned to choose to love that career for what God has always intended it to be, floored by the mercy He gave in allowing me to see that while there was still time...</div>
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*And being led back into student ministry, my heart's love...and right into the arms of a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me as we learn together what a holy covenant union of marriage really is.</div>
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THAT is sweet freedom. And to think, all that time, that man was right there as I learned I had to let go of my <a href="http://erinflewthecoop.blogspot.com/2011/08/acorn-dreams.html" target="_blank">acorn dreams</a> (literally, Stephen was there the weekend of that retreat). Those dreams would never grow unless I gave them to God. From he Acorn Dreams blogpost: "[T]hey are His to have. He plants them in due time. He waters them with his eternal water. He grows them. And then He brings them into our lives again at some point. But only if we give them to Him...completely."</div>
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Reading those words is almost eerie now, looking back and seeing how close he was when I didn't even know it. When I literally had no idea he would be a part of the harvest God would grow from that acorn. </div>
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It is sometimes too much to think about. The goodness of the love of our Father. </div>
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I was having a conversation with a coworker yesterday about this time of engagement. It is almost more goodness than I can bear, walk in the outpouring of God's love. It's like a fully-saturated sponge that keeps getting soaked with goodness!</div>
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I don't deserve it.</div>
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And well-meaning people say that I do. But the reality is I don't. I don't deserve any of it.</div>
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Sure, I try to be a good person. But any act of goodness on my part could never spare me from what my sinful self really deserves. Nothing I do could ever earn freedom. Jesus Christ is my only salvation. </div>
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He gives me freedom through the cost of His life. </div>
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And a Father that goes to those extremes to save me must really love me. It took me awhile to figure this out. I hashed it out in <a href="http://erinflewthecoop.blogspot.com/2012/10/i-know-who-i-am-but-do-i-matter-xixii.html" target="_blank">this post</a> and <a href="http://erinflewthecoop.blogspot.com/2012/10/our-fathers-reponse-xiixii.html" target="_blank">this post</a> as I wondered why God wasn't giving me the pony (a husband, a man to love and to love me) I so longed for.<br />
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Carolyn Custis James puts it this way in her book <u>The Gospel of Ruth</u>,"There is mystery to God's ways, and we will never know why he doesn't answer our prayers, stop the blizzards, change the hardened heart, or stop the endless suffering in this world. But from time to time, we do have flashes of clarity, and we have a bit of clarity in Naomi's story. Naomi would be poorly equipped to do the job of raising the king's grandfather with an untested faith and a shallow knowledge of God that was derived from hearing the Scriptures read in corporate worship and picking up secondhand information about him from other believers. She can't coast on...the teachings of her parents. Vital as all these other resources and influences are, Naomi's participation in kingdom building is seriously impaired if she doesn't know God for herself. She has to experience him, not just learn <i>about</i> him...She had to find God's <i>hesed</i> [lovingkindness] in the middle of the mess. The dark night of the soul is an awful place to be, but that's where God trains His best warriors."</div>
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In that mess, I grew to learn God still loved my pony-less self. More than I could ever know. And I ultimately determined in my closing statement in that series of 12 (very vulnerable) blogposts to "just seek him." </div>
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That is what my heart proclaims as I sing the words "I will call upon the Lord, for He alone is strong enough to save."</div>
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Just seek Him. Him alone. </div>
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And then when He decides to give you that acorn dream you let go of 5 years ago, that pony you've wanted for so long, you can only walk in gratitude, soaking up the gift of a relationship that is so much healthier than deserved (oh sweet grace). </div>
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So much deeper than expected. </div>
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And so much sweeter than I could have ever made it on my own.</div>
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<i>That</i> is the love of a Father.</div>
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Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-77311761021067546702015-12-20T19:49:00.002-05:002015-12-20T19:49:37.596-05:00Grace Before My Very EyesThis past Friday night, I had the opportunity to see the Nutcracker Ballet for the first time in over 20 years. It was at the lovely Fox Theater in Atlanta…a beautiful historic theater that beckons your eyes to soak in every nook and cranny of elegance, detail, and well-placed decor.<br />
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It was a lovely night, from beginning to end. The weather cooperated and cooled off with a chilly breeze just so it would feel more like Christmas. There were lights hung everywhere as we walked down the street, a saxophonist playing festive tunes on the street corner.<br />
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I felt a little bit like royalty all dressed up accompanied by my handsome boyfriend, my brother, and his wife.<br />
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We settled in our seats and a marvelous feast for the eyes and ears began! I loved the beginning of the ballet - the house party with hustle and bustle, a gorgeous Christmas tree in the backdrop. It evoked a feeling of nostalgia, of warmth, kindness, energy. There was family, friends, food, music, dancing, merriment. The stage was full of scenes to watch everywhere you looked.<br />
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The First Act was fun and entertaining to be sure, but the Second Act had me enraptured.<br />
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There were multiple dances between the lady ballerina and the man. A magical interplay of dancing with fluid movements of elegance, displaying incredible skill on both parts.<br />
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I began to think how I would even begin to describe such a dance.<br />
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<i>Graceful. </i><br />
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That was it. Full of grace.<br />
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I thought, <i>what else could be full of this kind of grace?</i><br />
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How do I know grace?<br />
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<i>God</i>.<br />
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I was reminded of the Scripture from Psalm 103:8<br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love."</span><br />
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He is gracious. <i>Full of grace.</i><br />
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The free and unmerited favor of God.<br />
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Lavished on us.<br />
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And I began to look at the dance through a different light.<br />
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The gentleness. The strength. The knowing of each movement as it came next. It was familiar to them.<br />
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Known.<br />
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The man was bold and kind and sturdy, anticipating the movements of the woman, showing off her elegance and beauty as he lifted and twirled her. And she moved with such ease, such…well, <i>grace.</i><br />
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And right there, before my very eyes, the grace in the dancers' movements were helping me see the characteristics of the grace God has towards us.<br />
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His kindness. His strength. His patience and knowing. His love.<br />
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It was simply beautiful.<br />
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I don't know if there's anything else in the world that better displays that much grace.<br />
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As you enter this week of Christmas, may you be aware of the presence of God. Enraptured by the knowledge that a holy and perfect God, who loves you with such love, would send His very own Son to earth as an infant child to live a perfect life that we could not live and die a death we deserved to die…so that we may have life…<i>with Him</i>.<br />
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A God who is compassionate. And full of grace. Slow to anger. Abounding in love.<br />
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Abounding. That means it's plentiful, abundant. Never ending.<br />
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That is the Love we are all gifted with and get to celebrate this Friday.<br />
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Maybe thank Him for the grace in your life. The grace that lifts you, twirls you.<br />
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The grace that is sturdy under your shakiness, strong under your weakness.<br />
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<i>The grace that makes you beautiful and elegant. </i><br />
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He's right there, waiting for you to enter the dance.<br />
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<br />Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-41512796867663859602015-10-07T16:25:00.000-04:002015-10-07T23:03:27.350-04:00The Moment That Wasn't Captured on FilmI wish you could have seen what I saw today. I was on my favorite trail at one of my favorite parks for the first time in weeks, and I saw Beauty.<br />
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It was in the form of a butterfly. I'd been walking along a scene of browns and grays and greens, maybe a little yellow as the leaves start to turn. And then I saw it. Flitting along the red dirt path, going every which way. He caught my eye immediately, with his bright orange and deep purple wings. They were complete with flecks of black and white on the tips. He landed a few feet away on a leaf, gently moving his wings up and down as he sat.<br />
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There was such grace in that motion. Oh, to move with such grace.<br />
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I stood there for what felt like an eternity, but was probably only a few minutes. Just taking in the moment.<br />
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The one I couldn't capture because my iPhone was securely locked in my car, not on my person, nowhere near my being. Freedom! An hour away from the wonderfully and tragically addicting thing that it is.<br />
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But you know what? I think it's better that I didn't get a picture anyway.<br />
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You had to be there.<br />
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You had to hear the crickets chirp. The birds call out to each other. You had to feel the sun on your face. Hear the rustle of the leaves as the wind gently blew. Feel the dirt under your feet, leaves crunching. See the bright blue sky above your head.<br />
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And know that in that wide expanse of creation, God ordained that moment, that mingling of paths.<br />
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The butterfly's and mine.<br />
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Because God wanted to remind me that He's that grand. That awesome to create and mix together all those things. He wanted to remind me that somehow, that butterfly in its delicacy and beauty, is fully protected in a storm.<br />
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Have you ever wondered where the butterflies go when the wind howls and the rains pound? I haven't.<br />
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But I did in that moment.<br />
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Standing out in the middle of nowhere witnessing such a tiny detailed wisp of creation that paused long enough for me to soak in every bit of his glory, I thought about the strong winds, the thunder, the lightening, the heavy rain.<br />
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That little guy is out there all the time. Somewhere. Protected. I stood there knowing that He cares for that very butterfly in the midst of a storm.<br />
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That is our God - a mighty Protector. Our banner, our Jehovah-nissi. There is victory under His covering, for the butterfly…and for us. He says in His word, "I will save those who love me and will protect those who acknowledge me as Lord" (Psalm 91:14).<br />
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In the storms. In the quiet.<br />
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Loving and protecting His creation that loves Him.<br />
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He can't not. It's in His perfect character to do so. And it's His promise to those who acknowledge Him as Lord.<br />
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And boy He is ever faithful.<br />
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He will show you that, too. It might take leaving your phone for awhile. Stepping out into the greatness of His creation. Some time away, in the quiet.<br />
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And He will speak to you, too. He's longing to meet with you. Just the two of you.<br />
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He has Beauty to reveal.<br />
<br />Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-68528066738904619662015-09-02T13:11:00.001-04:002015-09-02T13:11:29.643-04:00Intentional<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Strangely enough that’s the word that keeps rolling around my brain after my return from Kenya. It’s strange to me because I think one would come back from two months in a foreign country on mission with words like humility, inspiration, perspective, joy, and heartbreak.</span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Everyone I’ve talked with about Kenya since my return can vouch for me using those words. All of them, in some way or another, have been a part of the story-telling process, a part of my experience there.</span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">But I haven’t written about them. And even now, writing at this point of my debriefing journey seems an injustice to what really took place there. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The faces, the fellowship, the conversations, the tears of joy and pain. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m tempted to reply to the daily question, “How was your trip?” with “You’ll just have to go and see for yourself.” But I’m afraid that response is not entirely glorifying to God. Although...Jesus said, “Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone.” He didn’t say, “then come home and tell everyone else about it.” (Or did he? If someone knows where He said this, please tell me...!)</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Truth of it is, it’s just not possible to put words to it all. I would fail miserably. And since I don’t like failing, I loathe it in fact, I am just now attempting to publicly tackle my thoughts in writing. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">But what keeps rising to the top of the heart and head jumble of thoughts is this word: <i>intentional</i>.</span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Dave Ramsey always says, “If you don’t tell your money where to go, you will wonder where it went.” I’m beginning to see how that is true of time and relationships too. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">(Note: this is not an invitation to tell the people in your life where to go haha...that could get you into trouble, but I think you know what I mean.)</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Leading up to my departure in June, I struggled to not question God’s timing in the trip. There were sleepless nights and dreams and deep fears rising to the surface. Yes, I knew His timing was perfect...but I also knew how infrequently His and my timing seemed to line up. For example, every day of my adult life since college has been His timing, not mine. (And gratefully so, even if I don’t always admit it.) But shortly after arriving in country and literally every single day I was there, He showed me how His timing really is quite perfect. His ways are truly sovereign. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">He accomplished things I never would have dreamt in ways I never could have seen. </span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It was apprehensively out of my control. And I began to see that days and hours and opportunities could be easily wasted if not seized or sought. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Things like weariness, apathy, insecurity, selfishness, sickness, or just plain feeling overwhelmed were huge obstacles to remaining connected to the work God had for me there. Now that I’m back home, I’m seeing how there are similar obstacles here, just add in busyness and maybe complacency. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It can be so easy to disconnect. Let life slip by. Passively avoid embracing what’s before you for myriad reasons. Maybe even some valid ones. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">That’s not to say we always have to be busy. Goodness knows, our lives are cluttered enough with social media, job stress, finances, etc. But we have to remain engaged. Even when Jesus pulled away for solitude with God, he wasn’t disconnected...He was intimately connecting with His Father...SO THAT when He was with his disciples...the least...the lost...He could be connected there too. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We don’t have to let those possibly valid reasons (excuses?) make choices for us. We can choose to be...</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Intentional. </span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It means “on purpose.”</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Those are the kind of days I want to live. On purpose ones. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Those are the kinds of relationships I want to have. On purpose ones. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The kinds of smiles I want to give. On purpose. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The kind of love I want to have. On purpose. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Choosing to live, relation, smile, love...intentionally. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And so my life is currently under a microscope. There is purging and listing and praying and seeking and more listing and circling and thinking and more listing. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></span></div>
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Not to be a slave to it all. But to seize the opportunities that God kindly puts before me each day. Because if I don’t choose to pay attention to them, I will wonder where they went.</span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And I would rather embrace them intentionally.</span></span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-21377081687795880662015-06-19T11:26:00.005-04:002015-06-19T11:26:57.852-04:00Prancer and Scurry<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">I can't believe I'm back in Kenya. This time for 7 weeks! What was a stirring in my heart over a year ago is now coming to fruition. I am so grateful for God's guidance and direction in this. I hope and pray every bit of this journey is honoring and glorifying to Him. He's the reason I'm here, after all. </span><br />
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I left the U.S. on Monday and here it is Friday already. Almost a week of this 7 week trip gone. But rest assured, God is already speaking and teaching. And, as usual with me it seems, He's using some rather unlikely objects to get the message across. </div>
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Oh the lessons to be learned from bats. Wednesday afternoon we arrived at an insect research center in Mbita. After checking in, watching a beautiful sunset over Lake Voctoria, sorting and organizing heaps (literally) of medicine, a warm dinner and a hot shower, I settled into bed for a much needed night's sleep. The balcony door was open, so we could hear the softly crashing waves from the lake. We were surrounded by mosquito netting and ever-so-grateful for a place to lay our heads and stretch our legs. Before the lights were even out, my roommate and I heard a rustling noise above us. Seeing nothing in the room, we decided it was of no concern and shut our eyes for some sleep.</div>
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After three hours of solid sleep, I awoke to this same rustling sound. And when I say rustling sound, I mean it was like Santa's team of varmint reindeer had landed on the roof. There was flapping and scurrying and squeaking galore. For some reason, I wasn't the least bit sleepy anymore! I lay awake here for hours, trying to drown out the sound of our "friendly" creatures. </div>
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After hour number two, I decided to name the stinkin' bats in the hopes of making them seem a little less creepy. Prancer and Scurry seemed appropriate. I really have no idea how any there are, but there was definitely more than one and...well, three seemed like a crowd. Two it is. </div>
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If you're wondering, there really is a lesson in all this. As I lay there wide awake in the middle of the night, my heart would race every so often as the scurry/flutter/squeak would intensify. It was easy to hear. In fact, it was ridiculously loud. But in the background of the rustle there was a quieter softer gentler sound. The calm crash of the waves on the shore. It was there all along. But I found myself having a hard time hearing it. I felt like God was saying, this is like Truth and lies. Sometimes the lies are so in my face, so easy to hear, that I can lose focus of the truth. I had to work harder to hear the waves. I would find my heart racing as I couldn't help but hear Prancer and Scurry having a grand old time above me, and then, taking a deep breath, I'd tune into the peaceful waves. What a timely reminder as this Kenya journey begins. I have a feeling there will be many occasions where I might need to search for the sound of truth to drown out the lies. </div>
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Where are you letting lies run around in your head and steal your peace? Where do you need to settle in and listen to the steady, gentle waves of truth? </div>
Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-81741887263742464892015-01-02T13:03:00.000-05:002015-01-02T13:03:28.960-05:002015's Word of the YearI'm in utter disbelief that it's 2015.<br />
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Time again to choose or be given a word of the year.<br />
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Seriously seems like yesterday I was sitting around a fire sharing how <a href="http://www.erinflewthecoop.blogspot.com/2014/01/round-three.html" target="_blank">this</a> word (understanding) was the one to ponder for the next 365 days.<br />
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But a few nights ago, I was again surrounded by some of my favorite people, sharing our word for 2015. This morning, I have had the extreme pleasure to be called off work (so far). Everyone loves a few unexpected hours! It has been a divine gift and in an effort not to waste it, I have rekindled one of my favorite things.<br />
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It doesn't have a name. (I thought of a few…they were all dorky.) It just involves a sheet of paper, a pen, my Bible, and my crazy brain.<br />
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Sometimes there's so much on my mind, or there's an idea I want to capture that I'll jot down phrases and Scripture, maybe a drawing or two.<br />
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They are some of my favorite pages to look back on because they represent times I feel like I'm really brainstorming with a purpose. Dreaming. <a href="http://www.erinflewthecoop.blogspot.com/2011/07/dream-b-i-g.html" target="_blank">Dreaming BIG</a> (like I did when I wrote <a href="http://www.erinflewthecoop.blogspot.com/2011/07/dream-b-i-g.html" target="_blank">this</a> in summer of 2011).<br />
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The past few weeks I've noticed God bringing this year's word to me in different places. I didn't want to lose the thread He was weaving, so I finally started to jot it all down.<br />
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The word is…<i>TREASURE</i>.<br />
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I am excited to see what God reveals…there are so many implications! To start with, I feel like He's laid out three things:<br />
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1. <i>Treasure</i> Me.<br />
2. Allow yourself to be <i>treasured</i> by Me.<br />
3. Fully <i>treasure</i> all the gifts I give you.<br />
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So. <i>Treasure</i>.<br />
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I tried to make it as big as I could, but you might still need your reading glasses. And no, there are no sketches on here yet…consider yourself lucky.<br />
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It's a work in progress, but hey, it's only the second day of the year...<br />
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What is your word of the year?</div>
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What are you dreaming about in 2015?</div>
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What <a href="http://www.erinflewthecoop.blogspot.com/2011/08/acorn-dreams.html" target="_blank">acorn dreams</a> is God growing in you?!</div>
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<br />Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-63373624932371956252014-11-19T16:16:00.003-05:002014-11-19T16:20:08.408-05:00Thankful For What?!Monday was a beautiful day. A much-needed day of rest after a string of several challenging shifts at the hospital.<br />
<br />
The weather was incredible. Rainy and windy and cold. I woke up to the sound of rain on the roof….lingered in bed as long as possible, soaking in the sound.<br />
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As I stirred and began my day, the wind hurled leaves and branches and made the trees sway. I could stand it no longer. I had to be out in this glorious display of God's might.<br />
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I took my hot tea, wrapped in a warm blanket, curled up on the patio and looked. Simply looked. And listened.<br />
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Up. All around. Up again.<br />
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The clouds were moving fast. The trees bending and bowing in a noisy display of splendor. The wind. Oh the wind!<br />
<br />
He was really showing off now. The stark contrast of the blue sky with the white clouds was stunning. And the colors of fall - of all things in this world. So much color.<br />
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And so many sounds if but we would listen.<br />
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I tried - always try - to stay silent. It never lasts long. I began to mentally list things for which I'm thankful. It's an attempt to live fully. Because to not fully live is to miss what God has for me (which is one of my biggest fears). And I'm learning how to not miss it...<br />
<br />
I've been reading Ann Voskamp's <u><a href="http://onethousandgifts.com/" target="_blank">One Thousand Gifts</a></u> - a beautifully raw and eye-opening book about Ann's journey to gratitude through listing 1,000 things she was grateful for. Through words that resonate deeply, she expounds on the meaning of "<i>eucharisteo</i>" - the Greek word meaning "he gave thanks." Jesus used this word at the Last Supper, when he broke bread and gave thanks for it (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+22%3A19&version=NIV" target="_blank">Luke 22:19</a>).<br />
<br />
She breaks down the Greek word even more…<br />
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<i>euCHARISteo</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Charis</i>. Grace.<br />
<i>Eucharisteo</i>. Thanksgiving.<br />
<i>Chara</i>. Joy.<br />
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And she asks, "Is the height of my <i>chara</i> joy dependent on the depths of my <i>eucharisteo</i> thanks? <i>So then as long as thanks is possible…Joy is always possible.</i> <i>Whenever</i>, meaning - now; <i>wherever</i>, meaning - here. The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional mountain peak experience. The joy wonder could be here! Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be - unbelievably - possible! The only place we need see before we die is this place of seeing God, here and now."<br />
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Recognizing His gifts. Innumerable. And unique. And deeply personal. And I miss them in a statement of sweeping gratitude. When I give voice to a general thanks for a day, or for God, or for life…am I missing the gifts? The thousands of gifts He gives - there is joy in the naming. The specifics.<br />
<br />
She goes on, "We only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks...Thanksgiving is the evidence of our acceptance of whatever He gives. Thanksgiving is the manifestation of our <i>Yes!</i> to His grace."<br />
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It's a way of not missing what He has for me. Facing the fear, embracing faith, I name the gifts.<br />
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<i>Thank You for the sound of the wind. Thank You for meeting me here. Thank You for the way my fingers feel wrapped around this mug of steaming tea. Thank You for the blue sky. The white clouds. The colors of the leaves. Thank You for death.</i><br />
<br />
Wait, what?! <i>Death?</i><br />
<br />
Did I really just thank God for death?<br />
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My head challenged my heart and questioned it's loyalty. Was this betrayal? But my heart, strengthened by truth and understanding, rebutted that it was - is - actually thankful for death.<br />
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Death of old habits. Death of <i>expectations</i> - of self (the hardest to let go!) and expectations of others. Death of pain and old wounds. Death of <i>failures</i>.<br />
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Because only in death can there be life.<br />
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He reminds us of this each autumn. As leaves change color and fall to the ground, leading to a cold dry winter…the death that brings life and beauty rich in spring.<br />
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The death of God's Son. Blood shed to cover the sin of every man. A love so grand to go to the deepest depths…death. So that we may have life…and <i>have it to the full </i>(<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+10%3A10&version=NIV" target="_blank">John 10:10</a>).<br />
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Oh that I would recognize what I need to let die! My stubborn will. My desire for control. My negative self-fulfilling prophecies. My ingratitude.<br />
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May I learn how to embrace this beauty of death so I can make room for the new. The new gifts He has for me.<br />
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And may I keep my eyes open to always see the beauty of His gifts as I name them, as Ann did...one by one.<br />
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<br />Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-51779734561957665592014-08-01T16:06:00.001-04:002014-08-01T16:06:45.962-04:00The Horse (Part II): It's Up To HerIn my <a href="http://www.erinflewthecoop.blogspot.com/2014/07/the-horse-part-i-strong-and-wild.html" target="_blank">last post</a>, I wrote about a fabulous scene from <i>The Man From Snowy River</i> where Jim and Jessica break in a wild horse.<br />
<br />
I was reminded of this scene after a recent conversation about my job. And my desire for it to be different.<br />
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[Must note, to all my coworkers and patients, L&D nursing is an incredible job…I have amazing coworkers and have had some of the best and most meaningful experiences there. But those of us who do it day in and day out know the struggles, the things that gnaw away at our resolve to do it another day. For me, the overarching desire is to be out from under the weight, stress, and ever-increasing responsibility. I love the relational side and wish that could be the sole part of my job, but that's not the reality. Maybe it's something in my make up, maybe it's changing desires of my heart (ahem, Africa), whatever the reason, it is a constant struggle to balance the weight of charting/legalities with relationing well with my patients and their families.]<br />
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I had spent a good part of the conversation discussing why I felt this way and what I was planning to do about it.<br />
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And as I reflected about the trying days, the depressing waking moments at 5 am, the struggle to remain positive for 12 continual hours, I realized something: just like a wild horse in a corral, my spirit wants free.<br />
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This may not be inherently bad…unless I am seeking out this freedom before it's time. God may open the gate sometime. And it may be soon. But it isn't open yet. And I'm bucking and kicking my way through the day, starting with that 5 am wake up.<br />
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Now I've never broken in a horse, but I'd imagine the more bucking and rearing she does, the more rubs and sore spots she's going to have. If she chooses to surrender and submit to being broken, then those wounds won't appear.<br />
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What if this time is for me to continue being trained? I think I'm ready to barrel my way through the gate into the wild blue yonder and yet God is patiently beckoning me to calm down, listen more intently to His voice, and continue to learn the rhythms and patterns in His will.<br />
<br />
I did some youtube research about breaking in horses and couldn't believe what I found. Check out this incredible video of famous horse trainer, Monty Roberts. It's just under 7 minutes and seriously well worth the time...<br />
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<br />
Did you catch one of the first things he said about Coronna?<br />
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<i>It's up to her.</i><br />
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It completely sets the stage for his relationship with her. It's her choice to listen…or not. Strikingly like our walk with the Lord…it's up to us whether we seek Him...or not. (see the entire Old Testament and the Israelites' stubbornness that is a constant thread throughout the whole thing)<br />
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And then…<br />
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<i>I will do it with her. I will not force her to do anything.</i><br />
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He doesn't leave her alone. He allows her freedom. Hmm…similar to God's promise to always be with us (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy%2031:6" target="_blank">Deuteronomy 31:6</a>)…and how He pursues us even after we've run from Him (see the entire <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hosea+1&version=NIV" target="_blank">book of Hosea</a>).<br />
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And…<br />
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Her <i>inside ear will find me. Outside ear listens to the rest of the world.</i><br />
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Coronna's hearing is trained. Similarly, we listen to His voice and know Him while we live and exist in the world (see <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+10:27-30" target="_blank">John 10:27-30</a>).<br />
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<i>Smaller circle.</i><br />
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Coronna begins to circle closer to the one giving her direction. She seeks him as we seek the Lord, who promises to be found if we would seek Him with all our heart. (see <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=jeremiah+29%3A12-13&version=NIV" target="_blank">Jeremiah 29:12-13</a>)<br />
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<i>Join up - get her attention, draw her to me.</i><br />
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Eerily similar to Jesus' invitation for us to "follow me." He demonstrates His love, His glory, His faithfulness and invites us into an abundant life with Him (see <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+1%3A16-18&version=NIV" target="_blank">Mark 1:16-18</a>; <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+2%3A14&version=NIV" target="_blank">Mark 2:14</a>; <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+5%3A10-11&version=NIV" target="_blank">Luke 5:10-11</a>; <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+1%3A35-51&version=NIV" target="_blank">John 1:35-51</a>, and last but not least <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+10%3A10&version=NIV" target="_blank">John 10:10</a>)<br />
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See, we have the choice to be broken in or wounded.<br />
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The horse wants to run free. We all want to run free. But if we don't know where we're going, we're likely to get wounded. If we surrender to God's leading, allowing Him to train us, to "break" us so to speak, we will be freer than ever before. He can lead us into pastures greater and grander than we can imagine.<br />
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But we have to be ready for them.<br />
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We can't go find them on our own, ill-equipped for the trials ahead.<br />
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When we allow our Trainer, our loving Father, to do a work in us, we learn to do it <i>with</i> Him. Turning our inner ear to Him while the noise of the world swirls around. We draw into a smaller circle with Him, allowing Him to have our attention, allowing Him to draw us to Himself.<br />
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Whether it takes 2 months or 5 years.<br />
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Letting go of the stubborn kick that rubs the saddle raw on our backs isn't always easy. And for some (me) it might take a little longer.<br />
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We can roam around forever in the great expanse, having a false sense of direction and purpose.<br />
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Or we can enter the corral, knowing it's the best plan for us.<br />
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And when that corral feels more stifling than freeing, could it be that we have taken our gaze off the One who is able to do immeasurably more than we could imagine (<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+3%3A20-21" target="_blank">Ephesians 3:20-21</a>)? Maybe it really isn't even a corral, we just see it that way because of our desire to be in a different place.<br />
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We want to be free, but we have to continually surrender, trusting in God's heart and faithfulness to bring us through what He has for us, all for His glory.<br />
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But, like Coronna, it's up to us.<br />
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<br />Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-12725901663579495142014-07-20T13:16:00.002-04:002014-07-20T23:58:56.657-04:00The Horse (Part I): Strong and WildSeveral years ago I was on a hike with my (then) roommates. We were climbing up a steep hill and one of them said, "Erin, you're like a horse."<br />
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Um. Thank you?<br />
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I'd rather go for something more petite and feminine. But a horse. They're strong, I guess, right?<br />
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And upon inquiry, I discovered that's what she meant. I had the strength of a horse to barrel through the incline and keep putting one foot in front of the other.<br />
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While I initially might have been offended at the comparison, it didn't last long because I actually love horses. There's just something about them that intrigues me…yet also scares me. They are so powerful and muscular.<br />
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Meandering in a pasture? Absolutely beautiful.<br />
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And when they're in a full on run? It's a majestic mix of fluid strength and thundering force.<br />
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But when it's unbridled, to be honest, it scares me. They can rear up and buck in a wild stubborn statement of independence.<br />
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Dangerous independence.<br />
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I am reminded of a favorite childhood movie (let's be honest, it's still a favorite as an adult…I'll admit it, no shame)…<br />
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<i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084296/" target="_blank">The Man From Snowy River</a></i><br />
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Yes, it's that good that it deserves its own line. While it wasn't exactly a blockbuster hit back in the 80s, you would have thought it was in our house. Introduced by my sister, hated (yet secretly loved) by my brother, that VHS tape was plumb worn out.<br />
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It's an Australian drama telling the tale of 18-year-old Jim's search for love and significance as he struggles to earn back his family farm after his father's death. Of course it involves a beautiful young (strong-willed) woman, but also a 20-year-old family feud, secrets, lies, assumptions, and a prized stallion who winds up missing.<br />
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I know, I had you at beautiful young (strong-willed) woman.<br />
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Oh, and the soundtrack is killer. It ranks up there with The Last of the Mohicans (nothing beats driving through the Blue Ridge Mountains with those inspiring violin melodies streaming through the speakers).<br />
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What I love about soundtracks is that in addition to being stellar music, they always take me back to great parts of the movie. That is particularly true for The Man From Snowy River soundtrack.<br />
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I have two favorite tracks on it. One is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYN0qYG1egs" target="_blank">"Jessica's Theme - Breaking in the Colt."</a> Which, thanks to my sister, I heard lovingly pounded out on our piano just about every Sunday morning. :)<br />
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There's a terrifying scene at the beginning of the movie where a pack of brumbies (free-roaming wild horses) run through the woods resulting in a tragic accident.<br />
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Just watching it causes my heart to beat hard in my chest, echoing the pound of the horse hooves.<br />
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It's a significant scene for me because later in the movie - when my favorite song plays - Jim and Jessica break in a wild colt. It's an incredible scene. It's not just any horse they're breaking in. But a wild one. It snorts, it whinnies, it breathes hard and fast as its eyes go wild.<br />
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You couldn't pay me to enter the corral with that thing.<br />
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And they set out to train that wild horse's spirit to submit...surrender. My fear meets reality and begins to subside as they work with the horse, building trust, breaking down walls, and eventually she submits.<br />
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I know my roommates didn't have this vision of a horse in mind when they made the comparison. But is there a part of me that <i>is</i> like a brumby? Is my spirit wild and untamed?<br />
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In my next post, I'll break down the spiritual implications that literally made my jaw drop…<br />
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Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-81115524941010250432014-06-22T14:29:00.000-04:002014-06-22T14:36:49.556-04:00Learning From a WatermelonI just had the most wonderful (large) bowl of watermelon, thanks to…well, Walmart. But mostly my sister.<br />
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A few weeks ago I was over at her house helping prepare Sunday lunch. Cutting watermelon fell next on the to-do list and I inwardly cringed.<br />
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Not because I don't love watermelon. It's honestly one of my favorite summertime fruits.<br />
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I have memories of sitting down to supper and seeing a huge bowl of perfectly cut and de-seeded (thanks, Mom) watermelon pieces. As all the dishes were passed around the table in clockwise fashion (do families still do this? I sure hope so…), we would secretly attempt to pick out the best pieces. My brother and I still tease my sister about doing it most, but deep down we all know we did it too.<br />
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So why did I cringe when she asked me to cut it?<br />
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Because while it might be one of my favorite fruits, it is also one of the most unruly and annoying ones to cut. (For the record, mangoes rank high on both these lists too, but it's small size makes it greatly more manageable.)<br />
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After the years of having perfectly cut watermelon pieces served to me, I had to eventually cut it on my own. Just like my mom did…cutting the end off, then keeping it on its side cutting circle after circle, then each circle in half, then removing the rind and cutting the flesh into pieces.<br />
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Welp. It doesn't work for me that way. It never has.<br />
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The large humpty-dumpty rolling piece of juicy rind and flesh seems to laugh in my face at first cut. Then each cut after that turns into downright mockery the more slippery it gets.<br />
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I know it's partially due to the fact that I don't have my mom's famous watermelon knife to use. But even with the sharpest of knives, I feel like a culinary idiot cutting the dumb thing.<br />
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And no one likes to feel like an idiot. So I stopped buying them. Literally, I cannot tell you the last time I bought a watermelon. It was at least 4 addresses ago.<br />
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Until today. Because, a few short weeks ago, in my sister's kitchen, she stepped in and shared how she now cuts her watermelon in a different way. Giving me an invitation to do the same. It was one of those moments where I wanted to hold onto my pride (seriously?!) and be annoyed that my older sister was - once again :) - telling me how to do something. But I let my pride go and listened.<br />
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So after years of passing by one of the most delectable fruits around, I stopped and picked one out today. And gave myself the freedom to cut it a new way.<br />
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It was lovely. No slippery circles or chopped off fingers. I have finally admitted to myself I will never have my mom's watermelon cutting skills. But it's ok. I tried doing it a different way and now have my favorite summertime snack back.<br />
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As the juice splashed everywhere (perfect sign of a perfect watermelon), I wondered what else in my life I've been avoiding because of the way I do it.<br />
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Are there things I could simply revamp to make them more enjoyable?<br />
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I'm currently pondering making my bedtime routine technology-free. Books and writing only. No phones, computers, apps, tweets.<br />
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What isn't working for you?<br />
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Your morning routine? Your devo time with God? Your finances?<br />
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<br />Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-67341950847999493862014-05-19T11:14:00.002-04:002014-05-19T11:14:44.946-04:00Rabbit Trail Prayer - Please Help!I'm back. In some form or fashion. I've missed writing. And I can't tell you how many posts have popped in my head that never made it to the screen. It became so many, that getting anything on here was almost too overwhelming. <div>
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But I sense the dam is breaking. So while there may have only been a trickling of posts so far this year, that may be changing as I begin to let it flow.<div>
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I've realized something (again) the past few months. </div>
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<div>
I</div>
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need</div>
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to</div>
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write</div>
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on</div>
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a</div>
<div>
regular</div>
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basis.</div>
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Whether that be journaling, blogging, whatever. There are simply too many thoughts roaming around this little <a href="http://typelogic.com/infj.html" target="_blank">INFJ</a> brain. It's frustrating sometimes. To have a mind of silence is an experience as foreign to me as walking into a men's restroom (although, this has admittedly happened once to me). </div>
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Due to this constant churning inside my head, I often find it hard to stay focused. One thought will lead to another and another and another until I shake my head and retrace my steps to the initial thought that once occupied space in my brain.</div>
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It's particularly frustrating when I do this when I'm praying. Almost instantly the fishing reel has to come out and pull me back once, twice, twenty times until I surrender my weak focus at the feet of Jesus and beg for mercy.</div>
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It happens often, and I don't sense it getting better. I'd imagine others struggle with this challenge of remaining focused during prayer, too. </div>
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The other day I was running and trying to keep focused in thought, much less prayer, and found myself running down a gagillion rabbit trails (and on really bad days, I find myself on the dreaded gerbil wheel!). I thought, <i>wouldn't it be so cool to focus on and think about one glorious attribute of God while running? </i></div>
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And then I almost laughed at the thought of me even trying. It seemed like an unholy injustice. But maybe that's how I start? </div>
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Try and fail. Train. Repeat. Try and fail. Train. Repeat.</div>
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<div>
So, you focussed prayers you, I need your help! Please share with me your thoughts, experiences, and wisdom regarding focused prayer. I love to read, so if you know a good book, I'd be open to that too. (Does <i>The Celebration of Discipline</i> by Richard Foster talk about this? It's been so long since I've read it, I can't remember…a trillion and one thoughts have crossed the threshold of my brain since then.)</div>
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As Paul says in 1 Timothy 4:7-8, "Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come."</div>
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I'm in need of some serious training. I have full confidence this can be conquered (by the grace of God). </div>
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I'd just love to know <i>how</i>.</div>
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Have you ever experienced rabbit trail praying?</div>
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How have you disciplined your mind to remain focused?</div>
Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4359587588915005893.post-70403337300486775032014-01-22T18:03:00.001-05:002014-01-22T18:12:08.945-05:00Kenya [2 Weeks and Counting]Man oh man, am I ever excited for this trip! Two - yes TWO - weeks from Friday I will be boarding a plane with an incredible team of servants to share the Gospel in Africa. Everyone keeps asking for an update, so thought I'd try to organize some thoughts and put them on here.<br />
<br />
From a logistica/detail standpoint...<br />
-Passport updated.<br />
-Vaccines done.<br />
-Time off work granted.<br />
-Necessary clothing purchased (yes, I am now the proud owner of some kickin' ankle-length skirts).<br />
-Travel gear acquired.<br />
-For my team specifically, schools have been targeted and kids are being prayed for.<br />
-Necessary supplies for in-country are being secured.<br />
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Relationally...<br />
-The team is incredible! Our larger team is broken down into smaller ministry teams. The one I am part of, which gets the opportunity to work with 1500+ kids, is seriously wonderful. From the first time the 5 of us ladies met, it was clear God had ordained for us to be together. There is something special happening there, and we haven't even set foot on a plane. The hearts of those ladies blows me away and the love and eagerness felt is palpable. Hearing their testimonies and stories of how God called them on this trip brought me to tears multiple times and reminded me of the utter awesomeness of our God.<br />
-Warfare is underway. Believe it or not, I am grateful. The enemy wouldn't be messing with us if there wasn't a reason to be doing so. The battle underway is a sign God is already working in our lives and the Kenyans and is preparing a way for His glory. That being said, there are real and legitimate anxieties amongst our team. We are encouraged and keep praying through.<br />
-I have had some wonderful conversations with friends, coworkers, family, and strangers about our trip. The whys, the whos, the hows have given an opportunity for God to be talked about. I am grateful.<br />
-Personally, prayer life is ramped up and thoughts/Scripture on orphans/widows is always on the forefront of my brain. It's definitely significant. I have a feeling that my understanding of adoption into His Kingdom by the blood of Jesus Christ is about to be blown away as I relation with these kids and widows.<br />
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Financially...<br />
-My dad and I have had so many answer God's prompt to support us for this trip. We are incredibly grateful!!! BUT, we are still lacking the full funding. My dad is in need of $1500 and I need $450. We would love for you to join in prayer for His provision and to prayerfully consider helping us finish out our goal. We would love for you to be a part of what God is doing in Kenya!<br />
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Click here to support my dad:<br />
<a href="https://my.12stone.com/mpp/mission_trip_giving.aspx?filter=campaign:140%7Cpledge:31460%7Camount:">https://my.12stone.com/mpp/mission_trip_giving.aspx?filter=campaign:140%7Cpledge:31460%7Camount:</a><br />
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Click here to support me:<br />
<a href="https://my.12stone.com/mpp/mission_trip_giving.aspx?filter=campaign:140%7Cpledge:31456%7Camount:">https://my.12stone.com/mpp/mission_trip_giving.aspx?filter=campaign:140%7Cpledge:31456%7Camount:</a><br />
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We trust in God's timing, in His way. We are beyond excited for this opportunity and cannot wait to share the Gospel, follow the prompts of the Spirit, and love like crazy.<br />
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Thank you to so many for continually asking about such a large part of my life. Keep asking, keep seeking, keep growing.<br />
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<br />Erin Perryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00723015458932342925noreply@blogger.com3