Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Maybe You're the One Who's Supposed to Read This?

[ I felt like I was supposed to share this when I wrote it a week and a half ago, but I didn't. I reread it again today and again felt like I should share it. So while it feels incredibly vulnerable, I'm sharing. I trust there's some reason why.... ]

Proverbs 16:9 - In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.
Boy, isn’t that true? I feel like I’m dead in the middle of that right now with this job. I planned to open a bakery, be seriously dating someone, heck maybe be married with a kid or two. And I’m here, back into nursing, single, and feeling like I’m completely in God’s will. Huh, my heart will catch up eventually. 
I must accept the challenge of being faithful in this. I must be better at it than I was 3 years ago. I already feel so many of the same feelings. The swing of emotions. Hard and frustrated during the middle of my string of shifts. Elated and relaxed and grateful on my days off. How can I find more balance? I long to be at peace....the whole time. I also want to do my job well - I get so easily frustrated when they throw stuff on you that takes away from patient care/the ability to get my job done well. I must be better and faster. It’s such a struggle. And on top of it all, there’s definitely a part of me that’s a little frustrated about being single. No one to share it all with at the end of the day. I sigh and keep pressing on. I don’t think He’ll have me here forever. And I know I’m making a difference. I so love giving exceptional care. It makes my heart feel whole. And makes the job feel worthwhile. 
Proverbs 17:3 - The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the heart.
Hmm. Tests how? Am I being tested now? It feels like I’m in a furnace sometimes. Feeling the burn, the struggle, the weight and pull of change, the challenge to rise above. And I fear most of the time I don’t...rise above. 
Proverbs 19:21 - Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
That is encouraging. Takes the first verse to the next level. It’s not just overlooking the heart, it’s about serving the Lord’s purpose. And His purpose is so far greater than any we could have. What a joy to be existing for such a purpose. What an honor. What a humbling revelation!
Was absolutely taken on a journey at O2 on Friday night. Came feeling distanced. Sinful. Separated. Not sure how to break through. Like a friend - one you owe your life to - that you’ve neglected and don’t know what to say. That’s how I felt. Shameful. Saddened again by my crappy priorities. Time spent elsewhere than sitting with him. Whether that be at 5 in the morning or 8 o’clock at night. And yet He loves me. I felt so like Angel in the book Redeeming Love (if you haven't read it...DO!!!). Because that’s who I am. A prostitute. In my own way. And He’s constantly bringing my bloody and beaten and wounded body and soul back to Him. Even when I choose to go. He waits. And pursues me eventually. I am so undeserving. And yet I have a Saviour who bore the weight of all my sin. Literally. He took it all. Past, present, future. It’s all on Him. And I can’t NOT accept that and do something about it. He is perfect. He is worthy. God’s holiness demands to be made known. So that’s what I did on Friday night. I sang my heart out until I was hoarse. My throat was scratchy, my voice cracking, and I sang at the top of my lungs. To no one but God. Words of affirmation. Words of love. He wooed me back to a point of feeling lovable. Or at least a place capable of accepting His love. Because denying it would be the worst position in the world. His wrath...due unto me...completely enraptured by His Son. He intercedes every time. THAT is worth living for. A God who is worthy to be praised every second of my life. And He has a purpose that I get to be a part of? It’s a sweet sweet life. Even if I work 5 12’s in 6 days. Even if a patient loses her baby and I'm to care for and support her. Even if I don’t get to give continuity of care. Even if doctors tick me off. Even if I fall asleep every night alone in my bed. Even if I fail. It’s still sweet. Because of Him.