Saturday, November 9, 2013

The Paradox

So I was walking out of the grocery store the other day, a beautifully bright and cheery fall day. I was pondering life, naturally, as any normal 20-something year old would do. I frequently ponder life as I wander up and down the grocery aisles because it is there that I am acutely aware of the big change of 2013: my life with a budget.

And my goal of debt-free by 4-16-14.

Eating and baking and fashion and social entertainment and "necessities" have all been put under a microscope the past year after graduating from FPU. Some areas are easy to put out of my mind, like clothes shopping for instance. If I don't go into the store, I am not tempted to buy things. One has to eat, however, so I continue to buy food. But it looks a lot different than it used to. I have taken to eating a dish that my roommate and I lovingly call FBU (Financial Bean University) - a delightful concoction of beans, veggies, rice and tomato sauce.

Super cheap.

And interestingly, super healthy. Admittedly, I didn't embrace this right away. It's taken months to break down the expectations, habits, desires. But they have changed. And they won't always remain what they are today. One day they will be able to evolve again.

It was in this pondering of life and food and money that this thought hit me: my future is so incredibly unknown.

In a good way.

But it hit me starkly as the close of another year approaches and I near the entrance into a new decade of life. At several points in the past 15 years, you could have asked me what my future held and I would have given you a fairly confident answer. But now?


And you know what? I am totally OK with that. Because the thought that immediately followed the first thought is this: I am so completely known by my heavenly Father.

It's a beautifully mysterious place to be. Full of twists and turns. The feeling is hard to describe. But I know it's wonderful. And requires a lot of trust. To be known means one has to be vulnerable. Not one of my favorite things to be. It can be painful. And takes time.

But worth it.

Worth the investment to share every part of me with the Father who created me. Worth the change in direction, the daily guidance of thoughts, fears, dreams, hopes.

I sense myself getting to a place of submission I've never been before. And it's a little bit scary. But then again, I have never felt more known. And He has never let me down.

So I trust.

And smile at a future that could truly hold anything.