It's Gonna Be A Christmas To Remember...

Truer words have never been sung.  It's already Christmas Eve for me (yeah, I get to experience everything before you guys by about 18 hours) and this morning I was listening to some music while eating breakfast.   It happened to be 8:15 am and I heard Amy Grant's voice streaming through with those lyrics.  I'll be honest - it brought tears.  Then tears again at 8:45.  I knew they would come.  I almost welcome them - it means I'm alive, I'm feeling.  And I always learn something through them.  I say this not make you feel sorry for me or to get you to think I'm having a miserable Christmas - because that wouldn't be true.  It's a great Christmas, just very different.  For the first time, I'm away from family, in a country that celebrates this holiday in summer.  I've learned a bit though the experience - being by myself significantly opens me up to self-reflection time.  It has made me increasingly more grateful for my family - and all the great memories I have of Christmases past.

I've also reflected on the first Christmas - Jesus' birth.  I had new respect for Mary this morning - as I face the day with no family around, it's hard to not feel a little bit lonely.  Even if you're around people, it's just not the same as family.  But Mary - man, she had it rough.  Later on in my music listening time, I heard "Breath of Heaven/Mary's song."  Her words "I am waiting in a silent prayer/ I am frightened by the load I bear/ In a world as cold as stone/ Must I walk this path alone?"  I might feel alone, but it's nothing compared to what Mary was feeling.

I also have new respect for missionaries.  A lot of the ones I know are in summer season this time of year as well.  And of course they're away from their families.  I've thought about it before, but it's something different to experience it.  Gives me more to think about in upcoming Christmases - prayer for missionaries, being more aware of those who don't have family or a "home" to go to.  It's means heaps to me that families - people I'd never met until last month - are opening their homes up to me during this season.  So, all that to say it will certainly be a Christmas to remember...a good Christmas to remember.

I Love the Lord's Timing.

Wait, did I just say that?  Yes, it's true.  Sure there are times when impatience gets the best of me.  But right now, in what the Lord is revealing, I am aware that His timing is flawless.  And I do so love to see a plan come together!  The past few days have been lovely, but I wasn't aware of the events coming together to reveal one of God's truths, something in which I needed to be reminded.

I've been reading a couple books, of which I was just about to finish.  I knew that on Friday the family I was living with would be heading to the States for 5 weeks, giving me lots of time to read.  I had the weekend all planned - I didn't care if I didn't get anything done save spending ample time on the couch with a few good books and some Christmas movies (I felt a bit like Cameron Diaz in The Holiday when she gets to her quaint little home for a getaway).  But what books?  Thursday my answer came.  I received a package of two books from my dad.  Perfect!  I would spend the weekend lost in a book.  Soon after taking the family to the airport, I began my weekend of recluse.  The past couple weeks I've also been listening to a sermon podcast series, taking my time listening to it, savoring every minute.  I had put off listening to the next sermon because I liked the feeling of knowing it was still coming - when I listened to it, it would be over, and I'd have to wait until the next week to hear the next one.  So I was saving it (I do this with clothes too - when I get knew clothes I like to save them for a couple weeks, looking forward to that moment of wearing them...I like the anticipation, I guess).  I had intended to listen to it Friday, but found myself busy with other things - finishing a prior book I was reading, and watching one of my Christmas favorites, Home Alone (it was, afterall, my first night home alone).  Next came Saturday - the day I started a new book, the day I listened to the next sermon, the day I had my hope rekindled in an unexpected way.

God spoke through the words in the book, the words of the sermon.  I was a bit blindsided, not even realizing that I needed this hope.  But as the day progressed, I became keenly aware of a few areas of my life that I trusted God with, but in which my hope had dwindled.  Hope is so important.  It keeps our hearts fresh and alive.  When we hope, we have dreams, we live with expectancy - expectancy that God will do great things.  On the contrary, a life without hope is dead.  The Bible speaks of it often.  On Friday as I read His Word, He brought me to Romans 15:13 - "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  He was prepping me here, bringing hope to my attention.  Then Saturday I read Hebrews 10:23 - "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."  And today, 1 Corinthians 2:9 - "...no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."  How exciting is that?  I don't know about you, but that makes me hopeful, expectant of good things.  So I started Sunday with a newfound hope, an excitement of God's plans - grateful even that He doesn't reveal them ahead of time.  Where's the fun in that?  And what a perfect time for rekindled hope, with Christmas Day approaching - a day we celebrate the birth of our Savior, the One who gave us hope in a world torn apart, the One who became hope for us, the One who rekindles our hope.

Four Seasons in One Day...Oh, I Believe It!

As I sit here typing this morning, I am in the company of the glowing Christmas tree (adorned with Santas and American flag ribbon - refer to pic in last post) and the tunes of all my favorite Christmas songs. I've got a steaming hot mug of tea with a splash of milk. I'm left with my thoughts as the family has gone to do their last-minute shopping. Time seems to be standing still. Do you ever have moments you wish you could pause? This is one of those.

I woke up yesterday to a bright sunny warm day. The forecast, however, warned of a brooding storm. So, of course, I ventured into the city to nestle into a warm cozy coffee shop to watch it all unfold. I was not disappointed. Clouds quickly rolled in, followed by massive wind gusts. Sideways rain pelted the buses, cars, and pedestrians as they bustled about. Couldn't have been a more perfect scene. As the chill grew outside, I was all the more thankful for the warmth found just on my side of the large window in front of me. Minutes later the sun shone through and the wind calmed. Still minutes later, it all rose up again and made people scurry for cover. On a cold, overcast, rainy day, the light on street signs and restaurants has a glow that is warm and alive, inviting - particularly in this holiday season. I soaked up this warmth and life as I rode the bus through the streets, even enjoying the walk/run in the rain from the bus stop to our house. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.

Weather like this proves what everyone says about Christchurch: "You'll easily experience four seasons in a day!" I guess being along the coast of a small island rich with mountains in close proximity to contrasting plains will result in this phenomenon. I quite like it. It keeps you guessing. It provides me with warm sunny vibrant hours, cherishing the feeling as friends and family entertain winter at home, and then there are still the windy rainy cold hours to remind me of winter and everything familiar in December. The winds play a crucial role in the weather scene here. The Nor'easter, the Nor'west Arch, Southeasterly, and Southwesterly. Being on the Southern Hemispere, the south winds are cold, north winds are nice and warm - particularly the Nor'westerly, dumping all the rain on the West Coast as it travels over the South Island leaving hot dry winds for Christchurch. I love the Nor'west Arch, but apparently it makes people go crazy - something like a full moon. There is more crime as people get moody and crazy. Not sure why I love the wind - maybe it's because I associate wind with storms, there's an expectancy, a feeling of things to come. Maybe I'm just crazy. Whatever the reason, I'm not ashamed to admit I love the wind and the energy it brings.

Well, the family is home. Time is no longer standing still. I'm off to see their purchases and seize the day.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas!

The tree is up, the decorations hung, and while Thanksgiving Day did little to remind me of the holiday season, I have better hopes for Christmas. The warm weather (it's summer here!) will try to throw me off course, but I am equipped with a glowing Christmas tree, It's A Wonderful Life, Home Alone, a city full of tinsel and Christmas cake, and enough Christmas music to last a whole year. It will for certain be different than any December 25th I've experienced, but I am eager to check out some churches, see where I can volunteer, and feel the warmth of family and friends as they send their love (via skype :) and gather together back home.

After a few weeks of tenaciously playing the hunt and wait game that job-searching involves, I took a couple days to see more of this beauty-filled country before hunkering down and working. Two days in the West Coast with my homestay family was no disappointment! Driving through the Canterbury Plains to the Southern Alps via Arthur's Pass was undoubtedly breathtaking and only slightly nail-biting. We traveled through one lane bridges - sometimes shared with trains as well - over braided rivers, hugged the curves as we met campervan after campervan, and searched for music to fit the mood of the ever-changing weather. After checking in to our beachside motel and placing our complimentary milk jug in the fridge (what would tea be without milk?!?!), we drove off to all the family's favorite spots. In just over 24 hours, we searched for greenstone on Nine Mile Beach, tramped our way through a hidden path to a secret beach to watch the tide, slipped and slid around Punakaiki Cavern, and had a bonfire on the beach complete with sausages, smores (NZ-style), and our own set of fireworks. We also spotted a fair share of livestock, walked across the swinging bridge in the rain at Hokitika Gorge, did some adrenaline-pumping off-roading, and spotted the most beautiful rainbows nestled in the mountain peaks on the way home. A few firsts happened on this trip: I discovered the goodness of Jaffas - a orange candy-coated chocolate that tastes just like a Sixlet (my favorite childhood candy) only bigger and definitely more mouth-satisfying; I sat around a fire on the beach (glorious!); and tried the rich and creamy Manuka honey that NZ prides itself on. Two days of jam-packed fun!

To continue feeding the thrill-seeking adventurous spirit that invades every visitor in this island of a country, I went for a white water rafting trip down the Rangitata River yesterday. It was my first time on Grade 5 rapids and to experience that with the backdrop of the Gorge (also the backdrop for the scene of Edoras in The Lord of the Rings) was enough to make my heart rate rise to a wild level. In three hours of rafting, we had the opportunity to jump off a 3 meter cliff and a 9 meter cliff. And since I've embraced the motto "Do it now, you'll never get the chance again!" I jumped off of both. Being in a wetsuit kept me warm so the chill of the glacial water wasn't as shocking as the fact of knowing I was swimming in untamable rapid water! (I'm front, right in the raft below...)

Enough thrill for one week, well, a few days anyway. Back to reading, journaling, and hopefully starting a job in a few days. Speaking of reading, I've been delving into Scripture - experiencing it in a new way - discovering again the lives of the apostles, the accounts of their journeys as they spread the good news of the gospel of Jesus. As I read the other day, it hit me that the Bible is the same as it was a thousand years ago, the same as it will be in another 200 years. As we read it, God speaks through the same stories over and over - often offering reminders of hope, guidance, encouragement, and sometimes new lessons are revealed. So when I'm frustrated with myself for needing to learn the same lessons over and over, I can see that God knew that would happen - so He provided Scripture to remind me over and over. It's unchanging, but always relevant. He's unchanging, but always just what I need. That doesn't mean I should settle for learning the same lessons over, but I can rest in knowing God expects it and loves me in the midst of that.

Lyrical Connections

I’ve often said that without music, I’m not sure I could feel. Of course that’s not true, but I can’t deny the way music unlocks something inside me, allowing me access to thoughts and feelings seemingly kept just out of reach. I was reminded of that again this past Friday as I walked through a store. Brooke Fraser’s “Shadowfeet” played in the background, bringing me an instant feeling of familiarity and warmth as I was missing home. My friend Jessica introduced me to Brooke’s music several months ago, and because Brooke is a New Zealander, it’s not at all uncommon to hear her streaming through radio waves all throughout the country (“walking, stumbling, on these shadow feet...”). Before coming to NZ, I came to know her music well - her calming words of truth and hope, the graceful melodies. I am certain God arranged this meeting as hearing her music now is something of comfort in my home away from home. Another small way God is reminding me of His provision.

Another reminder came the following day. Saturday mornings have a long-standing tradition for my house-family. They load up the kids and dog, make a morning trip to a local bakery for a delectable treat and a coffee, then head onto the beach to stroll amongst the waves and sand. This particular Saturday I was once again hit by lyrics streaming overhead as we stood waiting for our hot cups of caffeine...

Just give me a chance to hold on

Just give me something to hold onto

It’s so clear now that you are all that I have

I have no fear ‘cause you are all that I have

A few lines from Snow Patrol’s “You’re All I Have.” I’ve heard the song several times before, but hearing it after a few days of extensive time spent with the Lord, it came to mean something new. For me, this song meant that God is all I have, I have nothing to fear because I have Him. I’m pretty certain that’s not the meaning the writer had as he or she penned the lyrics, but it means that to me. My heart took these lyrics to the beach and silently sang them as I walked. I love it when supposed secular songs have underlying spiritual meaning. I notice this quite often actually. Just today in One Fine Frenzy’s “You Picked Me” and Matt Nathanson’s “Car Crash.” Why do so many songs have spiritual ties? I wonder this time and time again. Part of me thinks it’s because of the undeniable Creator and the way He makes everything spiritual. Even if a writer doesn’t see the connection, it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I think whether they realize it or not, there is something inside of them that longs to connect with the spiritual, that longs to have the peace of God. Their lyrics are crying out for it.

Journey Within A Journey

I am quickly discovering on my journey around that world that there will be many journeys within that journey. This past week I had the privilege of hiking the world famous Milford Track. A four day, three night 54k/33.5m hike through the Southern Alps from Glade Wharf to Sandfly Point via MacKinnon Pass.

It all began with a 10 hour bus ride from Christchurch to Te Anau. I met some neat people on the ride, befriended the bus driver (always a good idea), and gave my brain and heart an opportunity to engage. The first reminder God gave me - especially in the face of fear - is that He will always be enough. I couldn't tell you how many times I listened to the Shane and Shane song "The Blood," but I can tell you it was enough times for the message to really sink in..."The blood, oh the blood, the blood/It washes me/For it's only by the blood/He makes atonement for my soul/It will always be enough." Over and over, 'til I got it, really got it.

Next came a lesson on learning lessons. I think all these years I've had it wrong. Once the lesson is actually realized, see that's when the work is just beginning. It's a little bit like when I was baptized as a young girl. I remember thinking, "Alright! This is it, I've arrived. I've made the decision to become a believer in Christ. I'm done." Little did I know I was only beginning the journey of a lifetime, with lots of work ahead (oh to be young and naive again!). God teaching me a lesson - and me actually getting it - is great. But then it's up to me to apply it to my life. That takes work. And that's where the breakdown begins for me, I think. Once I realize the lesson, I can't just file it away and move on to the next one. They require a little more attention than that.

I knew as soon as I arrived in Te Anau I was in for a treat. The next few days in the mountains were just what the doctor ordered, and God had me primed right where He wanted me. The morning after the bus ride, I checked out of the hostel, eager to meet up with Karen and Mike (two friends from Charlotte who were tramping the track with me). Walking to the check-in point, I saw a rainbow over the mountains - God's first love message! Karen and Mike arrived within minutes of my arrival. With everything needed for four days of tramping through the unknown wilderness strapped to our backs, we took a bus ride and a boat ride to the start of the track, and then began putting one foot in front of the other! What followed was four days of witnessing firsthand God's glorious creation. It's hard to find words to describe it. Everything from lush rainforest to ominous snowcapped mountain peaks, babbling brooks to wildly rushing waterfalls, quiet still air to madly whipping wind. I kept thinking to myself, "God, you've gotta be kidding me!" He wasn't.

We slept in huts each night - no electricity, no fires, just gas stoves. 40 trampers from all over the world, cooking together, laughing together. Trampers from Holland, Scotland, Germany, England, Australia, the US - what fun! If a day of hiking with 50 pounds on your back wasn't enough shock for our muscles, Karen, Mike, and I rose to the challenge of swimming in 41 degree F water - fresh from the melting glaciers. Uff-da! That's stinkin' cold!!! Honestly though, I'm not sure if I've ever felt more refreshed. On day three we headed over MacKinnon Pass - sunny and spectacular. Breathtaking views! I even got to use "the toilet with the world's best view" (check out view below). Mike and I finished the day off with going behind New Zealand's tallest waterfall, Sutherland Falls (480 meters). I was soaking wet, had an ice cream headache, and found it difficult to breathe, but the feeling as the water pounded all around was such a rush! Day four, hiking through trees with a million shades of green, over bridges and rocks, with birds singing all around...a perfect ending. So, a million sandflys, 15 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, one massive dark chocolate bar, 3 sets of sore legs, and countless shared struggles and triumphs later, Karen, Mike, and I finished the incredible walk.

This, my friends, is what it's all about.

Stupid Four Letter Word

Fear. I sense myself being paralyzed by fear. It's an odd thing, really. I can fly from country to country and navigate around cities and airports on my own without the slightest hint of fear. I can think it easy to galavant around for 6 weeks in different places, meeting up with friends, knowing in some sense that that part of my trip was "just for fun." But I find myself afraid as I settle in New Zealand. I first began to notice the ever-growing feeling as I sat on a plane crossing over the Tasman Sea, speeding full force into an unknown realm. Tears welled in my eyes as I stared out the window - tears of excitement, anticipation, weariness, and...fear. It's not a fear of safety, nor the people, nor the country. I fear myself.

I am afraid I will fail on this journey. I am afraid I will miss what God wants to show me. I am afraid I will return the same person I was when I left, only broke - and I will be the one to blame. I think I am feeling the weight of the trip now as I get to know Christchurch and look for a job. I am noticing that tendencies I didn't like about myself in Charlotte...lack of discipline, drive, organization, etc...well, all these things have followed me here. Was I running from them? No, I don't think I was. I just began to feel like change wasn't possible where I was. I was stagnant and caught in my life. I needed a catalyst for change. And for me, that was this trip, my move to New Zealand.

I've come to realize I learn the same lessons over and over. I wonder if God gets tired of teaching me? Why am I not able to learn the first time, change, and move on? I find myself coming back to some of the same old things. But I guess that is me. I am who God created me to be. As me. John 15:16 says "You did not choose me, but I chose you..." It doesn't say, I chose you because you are strong, wise, fearless. God chose me (and created me!) because I am me, and He will use me, as I am. So then, what do I do with me if I am frustrated by me? I am still searching God for the answer, but I do know that each time I learn the lesson, I get to be a better version of myself. I will always be me, but I can be a me that is better. So I guess I have to back up. I will tell all of these self-imposed expectations to find a new home.

So I head into these next few days and weeks with the goal of accomplishing what I set out to accomplish - one-on-one time with God in his pure creation. In that I will not fail. It's that simple really. That was my goal. That still is my goal. All other things will fall into place as I learn and relearn lessons. God has this thing. Way more than I could ever think He does. I am still me, the same me that walked onto a plane in Charlotte, the same me what will get off in March. What happens in between isn't always gonna be easy, but it'll give me the opportunity to get to overcome my fear as I get to know God, and therefore myself, a bit better.

Psalm 139.

*A special thank you to Sarah for being my sounding board and opening my eyes to a few things.