Stupid Four Letter Word

Fear. I sense myself being paralyzed by fear. It's an odd thing, really. I can fly from country to country and navigate around cities and airports on my own without the slightest hint of fear. I can think it easy to galavant around for 6 weeks in different places, meeting up with friends, knowing in some sense that that part of my trip was "just for fun." But I find myself afraid as I settle in New Zealand. I first began to notice the ever-growing feeling as I sat on a plane crossing over the Tasman Sea, speeding full force into an unknown realm. Tears welled in my eyes as I stared out the window - tears of excitement, anticipation, weariness, and...fear. It's not a fear of safety, nor the people, nor the country. I fear myself.

I am afraid I will fail on this journey. I am afraid I will miss what God wants to show me. I am afraid I will return the same person I was when I left, only broke - and I will be the one to blame. I think I am feeling the weight of the trip now as I get to know Christchurch and look for a job. I am noticing that tendencies I didn't like about myself in Charlotte...lack of discipline, drive, organization, etc...well, all these things have followed me here. Was I running from them? No, I don't think I was. I just began to feel like change wasn't possible where I was. I was stagnant and caught in my life. I needed a catalyst for change. And for me, that was this trip, my move to New Zealand.

I've come to realize I learn the same lessons over and over. I wonder if God gets tired of teaching me? Why am I not able to learn the first time, change, and move on? I find myself coming back to some of the same old things. But I guess that is me. I am who God created me to be. As me. John 15:16 says "You did not choose me, but I chose you..." It doesn't say, I chose you because you are strong, wise, fearless. God chose me (and created me!) because I am me, and He will use me, as I am. So then, what do I do with me if I am frustrated by me? I am still searching God for the answer, but I do know that each time I learn the lesson, I get to be a better version of myself. I will always be me, but I can be a me that is better. So I guess I have to back up. I will tell all of these self-imposed expectations to find a new home.

So I head into these next few days and weeks with the goal of accomplishing what I set out to accomplish - one-on-one time with God in his pure creation. In that I will not fail. It's that simple really. That was my goal. That still is my goal. All other things will fall into place as I learn and relearn lessons. God has this thing. Way more than I could ever think He does. I am still me, the same me that walked onto a plane in Charlotte, the same me what will get off in March. What happens in between isn't always gonna be easy, but it'll give me the opportunity to get to overcome my fear as I get to know God, and therefore myself, a bit better.

Psalm 139.

*A special thank you to Sarah for being my sounding board and opening my eyes to a few things.