Part 10: Wake Up!

With IUI we had prayed like we prayed all these months - a lot. Pleading prayers, Oh God, would you answer them? Every morning, every night together. Throughout the day. 

But I began to think...did my life look different? 

Was I spending my time differently? 

Sure I spent time with the Lord. We made sure He was well aware of our plea. And He’d revealed Scripture and meaningful moments for us over the months. But here we were, in one of the biggest battles of our lives, and I was operating like a soldier on light duty. From the outside looking in, I’m not sure you would have been able to notice a difference from months before to now. One night I sat on the couch scrolling through Instagram with something mindless on TV in the background. 

What the heck am I doing?! 

Instagram? Instagram wasn’t going to give me a child. I needed to make a change. 

It's not that Instagram is bad...I still get on...and will, in fact, use it to tell you all about this post. But mindlessly scrolling in that moment felt so empty.

This wasn’t living like we were in one of the biggest battles of our lives. This was life as normal. I was whoa convicted. 

This shift brought a snap back into action for my faith. Instead of just trying to hold on, it wanted to claim new territory in my heart...in our lives.

And so that night I went up to a room in our house we hadn’t paid much attention to. 

The future nursery. 

Aside from that label, it functioned as any extra bedroom with inherited mismatched furniture, virtually no decoration. 

I plopped myself down in the middle of the room and prayed. Just opened my heart up to God. 

And the next day, I reread The Circle Maker. In a day. 

Why wasn’t I praying circles? Why, in the name of Jesus, wasn’t I circling this desire God placed in our hearts? Claiming His promises right here in this very room?!

Well, no more, I say! I went into the room and moved some furniture around. The bed? It was going to the middle. I was going to make a circle path in this room if my life depended on it. It was tight, almost laughable. But I could fit.

And the circling began. 

Lap after lap, my playlist singing it’s tunes.

I couldn’t wait to tell Stephen that night!

In the course of a week, that room went from neglected to pulsing with life and energy. 

A holiness. 

I belted worship music, sometimes through squeaky I’m-trying-not-to-cry voice.

Thank you, Lord, that no one except my husband could hear me. (And thankfully, he already had a ring on his finger...he was committed!)

This became our space to circle our desire, but even greater than that, circle the Lord’s promises regarding this desire. 

It finally felt right. We were making headway. 

Who knew that endless circles in a bedroom could cause forward momentum?

And in that forward momentum, God revealed a truth I once knew:

He loves it when we bring our desires to Him. 

He loves it even more when we bring ourselves to Him. 

And that’s what this was. This was bringing myself to Him. My time. Sacrificing my desires - sometimes watching a show on the couch or an earlier bedtime was more appealing...sometimes after a 12 hour shift on your feet, the last thing I wanted to do was circle our room...on my feet. 

But did I want to move the heart of God?

Did I want to give Him all of me? For His glory? 

It was about time I started acting like it. 

Sidney Howard, author of Gone with the Wind, said, “One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it.”

What was I willing to give up?

And the most amazing thing was this: I already had all the reward I could want in Christ Jesus. The more time I spent circling, the more filled with Him and joyful I was. The more the end goal of starting our family became the byproduct of time with him. 

He was the treasure. 

He IS the treasure!

Walking in this shift has felt easier for us. Peaceful. 

It felt right.

But explaining it to others is hard. We’d hear things like, “So glad you guys are taking a break! That should help relieve stress.”

We aren’t taking a break.

There’s not a thing wrong with doing that, but it isn’t what we are doing. We have kicked our prayer life up a bunch of notches. 

We are sacrificing. We are circling. We are fasting.

It certainly isn’t taking a break.

And in the explanation of moving from intervention to intercession, some look back at me with blank stares. Encouragement in their words, but their tone says it all. Others are right there with us - believing and trusting and asking God for a miracle.

I remind them (and myself), God moved mountains when He brought Stephen and me together. He did what only He could do. He made a way. He will do it again. There’s a reason why Spirit of the Living God was our first dance song! :) These lyrics get me every time:

When You speak
When You move
When You do what only You can do
It changes us
It changes what we see and what we seek

One night in September, I found myself at another Forme event (Facebook link here!). This time nestled outside amidst a gathered body of women, believers worshiping in sweet surrender, a backdrop of tall and mighty trees reminding me of God’s steady might and faithfulness. And the night’s theme was “God is my...” 

Several women standing in courage sharing their story of how God is their confidence, light, strength, peace, guide, redeemer... 

Love this amazing print from Heavenly Lettering
from that night. Check out her Etsy shop!

We had an opportunity to write on huge canvases our “God is my...” word. Mine?

FREEDOM.

He is my freedom from fear. Freedom from infertility. Freedom from lies. 

I am FREE. Because of my God.

It will take a miracle, this pregnancy. 

But I am free to trust the Lord for that.

It all rests on Him. 

Its strange to be asking for a miracle for myself. I've prayed countless times for God to move mightily in the lives of those around me. 

But to pray with my hands on my stomach, asking the Lord to do a miracle inside my own womb? 

It's a strange and powerful thing. 

I'm not writing this as a petition for prayer for us - obviously if you feel led to do that, please join us! But more so, my heart is for awareness and freedom for every couple experiencing infertility. 

I am tired of Satan's foothold in this area for couples. 

He's attacking marriages across the nation. I firmly believe one of the ways he is doing that is through infertility. Weaseling his way in and wreaking havoc through fear. 

He certainly tried for us. 

And it ticks

me

off.

So more than anything, pray for the enemy's hold on infertility to release, for couples to get in His Word, to read and claim the promises of the Lord, to pray for and trust the Lord to move in their situations. 

Let’s be a support for each other on this painful, lonely, often dark journey. 

Our God is a good God. 

He is a mighty God. 

He moves mountains. 

Let's ask Him to move mountains in His name. 

Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “Move from here to there,” and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

Matthew 17:20

This is my "Faith Board" I put up in the room!
Thank you Meghan for the nudge and Mom for the
name! I needed a place with all the Scripture
in one place. It's still a work in progress, 
but it's coming along!
Maybe make one of your own?