I need to go to a pool. Or a lake. Or the ocean.
I'm craving water. Not like a glass of water to drink. And not a body of water for laying on a beach towel and tanning either. I want water I can submerse myself in. Be fully consumed by the stuff. I've had this recurring water theme for awhile now. I remember being struck by the profound implications of it a year ago while on a hike with my mom. (check out Peace Like a River) There was a stream flowing along most of the 8-mile trail. It hit me that streams are moving, constant; powerful at times, softly flowing at others. Never stagnant. Just like God and His love. This week I was reminded of an image I had a few years ago when I was on a run at Freedom Park in Charlotte. It was a cold autumn morning...and it was raining (my favorite time to run!). The park was vacant save for the geese and worms. I paused for awhile by the pond and gazed at the water. I had an image of me taking off my jacket and shoes and diving in. As I hit the water and was fully submersed, I was filled with the most incredible feeling of peace. It was as if I was surrounded by God's love, completely covered. If only I would jump in the water. But I didn't.
For some reason that image and all the feelings that went with it stuck with me. I was reminded of it on Thursday on another run, this time at Little Mulberry Park (newfound addiction, thanks to my friend Jenna). There's a pond there, too. And it got me thinking of water again. That feeling of diving in and being perfectly at peace - is that what it feels like to completely trust God? I've been working on trusting Him. Like really trusting Him. There are some things in my life going on right now that require me to give Him everything. To faithfully put one foot in front of the other and trust for no other reason than He is God. But that's reason enough.
This morning I was pondering what trusting my Father really looks like in my life and listening to the Passion Here For You album. David Crowder's "Sometimes" started playing. (listen to it here) The song is magical in the way that it builds instrumentally with Crowder's bold voice piercing through. It makes my heart beat faster and a little bit feel like it's being squeezed tighter and tighter. He says "It's Your love that we adore, it's like a sea without a shore, we're lost in You, we're lost in You." I'm thinking sheesh, this is just what's been on my mind. And then my favorite lines hit:
Don't be afraid, Don't be afraid
Just set your sail and risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let's risk the ocean
THAT is what I want! I want to risk the ocean...and rest in God's grace, trusting Him wholly to guide me. And you know what, I believe He will. Why? Because He promises this in His Word - it's all over! Jeremiah 29:11-13, Psalm 138:7-8, Psalm 34, Mark 11:22-26....I could go on and on. He just asks us to trust Him. And we have no reason not to. Hebrews 6:17-19 tells us "it is impossible for God to lie." Since all these promises are true, I have no reason not to trust. And Crowder says "don't be afraid"...but golly, that's easier said than done! It feels kind of scary...so I want to go to the ocean. I want to dive in, feel the cool water surround me, the peaceful feeling of gliding through its currents and imagine my Heavenly Father guiding me just the same.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Be Like a Child
I've just gotta tell you about the way the Lord answered a prayer yesterday. It was a Monday morning; enough said...but let me elaborate. My soul had been discontent all day Sunday. When this happens I tend to not sleep - I have a hard time closing my eyes at night because I think some epiphany will hit me while I'm awake and wasting time, namely facebooking (please tell me I'm not alone in this!). So Monday at 5:45 hit pretty hard when I'd only fallen asleep a few hours before. Naturally, I overslept and had to rush to get ready for work. God's grace came to me as I arrived at work and discovered I was the only one there and didn't have a key. How is this God's grace? Well, it provided a perfect opportunity to pull out my Bible and read as I sat on the patio to wait for my boss. My soul opened up immediately. My soul was weary and dry. I asked God to speak to me - I felt like I hadn't heard Him in awhile. I reminded myself that the Holy Spirit was IN me. He is with me every day, everywhere I go. And I asked for peace. I've felt a block when I come to the Lord, as if I don't have the words to say. It's like I'm almost back at square one asking Him how to pray.
Soon my boss arrived and the day began. But I couldn't shake this needing to hear from God. A couple hours later, as I found myself behind the counter being the morning barista, wiping down the counter for the hundredth time, it hit me. A memory hit me - a memory so vivid I could almost taste it. I was in the Drum Cafe in Christchurch, NZ. I was sitting at a table, back to a wall, looking out the window. Bible open in front of me. Amelie Soundtrack playing in the background. There was a German couple sitting a few tables over. The smell of warm breakfast food surrounding me. It was cold and rainy outside, but I was nestled in this little cozy nook for hours. I remember feeling really content. And I also remember journaling about this day. (I journaled nearly every day on my trip, which I've been grateful for countless times.) As I tried to figure out why this memory flooded my head, the only thought I had was to read. It's as if someone kept saying over and over Drum Cafe, go read your journal, Drum Cafe, in December, go read, find the words. So at 11:45 last night, I did. First page of my journals in December say, "Found myself in Drum Cafe in Christchurch today. Drank a delicious hazelnut latte...did my devo in the shop today..." I was reading A Pilgrim Finds the Way. These are the words I copied down from page 60:
Soon my boss arrived and the day began. But I couldn't shake this needing to hear from God. A couple hours later, as I found myself behind the counter being the morning barista, wiping down the counter for the hundredth time, it hit me. A memory hit me - a memory so vivid I could almost taste it. I was in the Drum Cafe in Christchurch, NZ. I was sitting at a table, back to a wall, looking out the window. Bible open in front of me. Amelie Soundtrack playing in the background. There was a German couple sitting a few tables over. The smell of warm breakfast food surrounding me. It was cold and rainy outside, but I was nestled in this little cozy nook for hours. I remember feeling really content. And I also remember journaling about this day. (I journaled nearly every day on my trip, which I've been grateful for countless times.) As I tried to figure out why this memory flooded my head, the only thought I had was to read. It's as if someone kept saying over and over Drum Cafe, go read your journal, Drum Cafe, in December, go read, find the words. So at 11:45 last night, I did. First page of my journals in December say, "Found myself in Drum Cafe in Christchurch today. Drank a delicious hazelnut latte...did my devo in the shop today..." I was reading A Pilgrim Finds the Way. These are the words I copied down from page 60:
“Children: for them everything is a “game.” They are “deadly serious” about everything. They do not “worry” about food, clothing and shelter. What they need they just ask for, and keep asking till they are satisfied, whether it be material things or attention or affection. They “trust” everyone instinctively. They speak right out what they are thinking. They are inquisitive and searching. To them everything is new and wonderful. They ask questions not because they have doubts or because they want to gain control, but in order to learn and understand. They need to be constantly reaffirmed about their worth and value.” The pilgrim here seems to be meditating on Jesus’ command to become like little children if we desire to enter His Kingdom. We can learn from this how we should relate to our Heavenly Father."
Are you kidding me? My answer, loud and clear. God was saying, come to me as a child comes to me. I don't expect you to have this all figured out. Simple words. Just express your thoughts. See, typically I like to come to God having my desires figured out and expressing them to him in a mature composed way. I found myself coming up short. I didn't know how to put it all together. And this right here was telling me I don't need to. Ask like a little child asks. Inquire with the curiosity of a 5-year-old - and let me tell you, after living with one, that's one heck of a lot of curiosity. I'm reminded of Luke 18:15-17 where Jesus rebukes his disciples for sending the children away. He says, "let the little children come to me...for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."
I smiled to myself and thanked God for giving me this answer. Even if it took all day for me to eventually sit down and read my journal. He was faithful and kept reminding me. And when I was obedient, He put the answer right there.
Monday, May 2, 2011
More Haiti Musings
I have pages and pages of journal entries from the trip. My last blog entry simply wasn't enough to truly capture what the 9 days held for us. So after debating the best way to not bore everyone to death and yet share more about my experience, I've settled on laying out some snippets from each day - believe me, you wouldn't want the whole of it! Feel free to skim, browse, or skip altogether...
Day 1: Saturday, April 2, 2011
Ok, weariness evident by falling asleep before takeoff on first flight and sleeping through it! Never done that before. Starting a trip this weary isn't ideal, but not much I can do about it now. This is such a great group of people. I'm really excited to be with them all week. Admittedly I feel unsure of the actual work we're doing - am I prepared? Uff-da. God's gotta carry us from here...
My contacts have been in for 28 hours so far...
Listening to Phil Wickham's new album - I feel like being on this plane is crossing the line between Heaven & Earth.
Mountains = love for God...
PRAISE GOD! No luggage lost, all flights on time...
Met Dave and Beth Watters (World Hope missionaries in Haiti) today. LOVE them! So great to hear their story, see them shine Christ's love. So inspiring...
Being in town reminded me so much of the Philippines only on a larger scale. The mountains cried out God's majesty. They were awesome! I felt such incomparable love in my heart for God. A deep love. A love He keeps pursuing. He amazes me. I've teared up several times since being here and it's only day 1. God is stirring in my soul - I want to decipher his message!
Day 2: Sunday, April 3, 2011
Omelette for breakfast - lots of onions and a "hot dog" in it. White bread and a banana...
Off to the mountains after that to do VBS/church with the kids, then fed them lunch. So grateful for Aaron's natural oil stuff to help with car sickness!... (Seriously, Aaron...it was a lifesaver!)
Loved interacting with the kids! So cute and eager, once we got past shyness they were so engaging. Did David & Goliath skit/story with them. Sang song, played soccer, jumprope, bubbles. Served them a wholesome meal - food stretched to feed everyone! - very wholesome meal, quite possibly the most filling meal they'll have all week...
Felt very weary after getting back "home." Supper - rice and beans, some pasta stuff, potato salad, plantains, fish (literally a fish on the plate...with eyeballs).
Day 3: Monday, April 4, 2011
INADEQUATE. That's the best word to describe how today went for me. I felt like I didn't have enough to give. I didn't know enough medications. I didn't speak the same language. I didn't have a pen or paper when I needed it. Everyone needs something - water, food, better nutrition, vitamins, prescription meds, antibiotics. The Haitian doctors asked me what and how much to prescribe. There were so many more things we could have used. But even then it's only a short-term fix...
I need to turn to God more, more prayer, more relying on Him. I felt very alone today - it was a great morning, but the further into the clinic we got, the more alone I felt. My heart cries out to do this [medical missions] more though. Not sure what to do with that...
So I feel better after talking with the group - there were lots of good experiences that everyone had - I saw lots of neat moments: Sarah teaching hygiene, Brad with his hand on a child's head praying, Lauren fitting a woman for eye glasses. I did what I could.
Day 4: Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Today will be better. I'll know more what to expect. I'll be familiar with the meds and doctors. I have a better grasp on what we can and can't do for people. Human interaction - smiles - touch - that's what we have an unlimited supply of. 2 Corinthians 12:9 came into my head last night: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Believe and be satisfied, Erin...
Things I want to remember but may not be able to explain: extremely rough road driving up the mountain; driving through the river (literally), people washing motorcycles, tap taps, their clothes, themselves; goats, pigs, donkeys all around; piles of trash and burning trash; plastic bottles everywhere; buildings along the street are vacant but people are everywhere; children walking in school uniforms; women with stands of fruit, veggies, rice and goods; heat; sun; smells...
Saying "bonjour" or "bonswa" with a smile will almost always break a barrier...
Another clinic today. Felt less inadequate. Saw about 100 people. One child with a fever of 104, another with malaria, another with ringworm, another with scabies. It was so hot out there...
Debrief time on the rooftop of our hotel with our team. Great time together sharing testimonies. Each story is so full of meaning. God's fingerprints all over. I love hearing their stories, such depth and feeling...
Heard a Haitian church service in progress down the road from our hotel, so we went to join them. Such a neat experience - encouraging for both the Haitians and us. Pastor spoke on John 3, the Vine and the branches. Clint sang a worship song. Neat to meld together as brothers and sisters, singing in two languages yet in unison. Very cool.
Day 5: Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Didn't sleep good last night. Was hot all night and dreamt. Will fake being refreshed this morning. :)...
Another great clinic today - saw about 110 people, mostly children. Lots of headaches, worms, trouble sleeping, coughs, fevers, etc. Gave out probably $5000 worth of meds...
More great testimonies tonight!...
I smell. Gross. But I shower every night. I feel great though. No sickness! No sunburn!!!
Day 6: Thursday, April 7, 2011
Morning alone time on the rooftop. Cherished moments each morning. I wouldn't trade this time for anything in the world. Reminds me of David on rooftop with His Lord. 2 Cor. 12:7-10...about thorn in Paul's side to keep him humble - possibly like my feelings on inadequacy? Feeling like I'm never smart enough, can never remember enough, never measure up to those I compare myself to. Brings back memories of times in high school, college, nursing job, etc. I've struggled with this for years...
Plantain soup for breakfast. Verdict still out on that one...
Went to school down the road for VBS with 5 and 6 year olds - little Haitian Coopers! :) We colored pictures with them, shared the gospel with them, prayed over them - their little heads bowed and hands folded...would melt even the hardest of hearts. Got to play with them after class. Pat-a-cake, Ring Around the Rosie, holding their hand and spinning in circles, singing French songs. We danced and twirled. Lovely beautiful laughs and smiles...
Went back to the Haitian church tonight. Clint led us in worship, Brad gave the message. We laid hands and prayed over them. They laid hands and prayed over us. Extremely powerful moment. I felt great heat on my head and hands as the pastor prayed over me in Creole. Such intensity. Such peace. Whew, it was a very Spirit-filled moment.
Day 7: Friday, April 8, 2011
GREAT God time this morning. Up on the rooftop again - it's a beautiful morning. Bright sun, a bit of fog/mist over the mountains in the distance. Shane & Shane, some Chris & Conrad ("I'm At Home" and "You're the One")streaming through my iPod. Psalm 145. My heart is so full and at peace...
Went to the dedication service for MaryLucy's school. What an amazing school - very conducive for a great learning experience. Our team sang "Our God" at the ceremony. I love that song!...
Headed back to the school down the street. Lindsey, Brad, and I went into a class of 15- to 20-year-olds. We shared the gospel with them. One kid named Johnny came forward and became a believer! They asked a ton of questions on what it is to be a Christian. Questions about nightclubs, drinking, premarital sex, tattoos, earrings, girls wearing pants, pornography. It was a neat time of discipleship. They kept going and going with questions. They were hungry to be led. Each of us jumped in where we could to explain and guide and speak truth. We prayed over them at the end. Such a need for believers, Christ's hands and feet, to walk with these teens...
After dinner tonight we debriefed with Beth. She is so kind. God is working in and through that woman all over. She has such a dear heart and said great encouraging words about us and to us, and described what re-entry to life in the States will be like. Had great team-building time afterward. Sitting on the rooftop in the dark sharing stories, laughing until our sides hurt. We were all very aware that moments like that are rare. Cherished the time to get to know each other better. Yay for Transitional Community bonding time!
Day 8: Saturday, April 9, 2011
Packed up this morning. Braided lots of hair for the girls on my team. GREAT God time again on the rooftop - my last morning! Beautiful time with my Father...
Loaded up and drove back over the mountains to Port au Prince. Honestly, I don't have the energy to describe everything I saw on the drive. The memories are etched on my heart. Pictures capture some of it, but it's why you have to travel yourself. There's something about the sights, smells, feelings all combined together. It can't be captured completely in a picture. Thank you God for allowing me to experience this.
Day 9: Sunday, April 10, 2011
Time to go home. Part of me isn't ready to leave. Part of me will never leave. And another part of me is so ready for a hot shower it's ridiculous.
Whew! You made it through (or skipped a lot)! Congratulations. Thoughts on life after Haiti - the struggles and life lessons coming soon...
Day 1: Saturday, April 2, 2011
Ok, weariness evident by falling asleep before takeoff on first flight and sleeping through it! Never done that before. Starting a trip this weary isn't ideal, but not much I can do about it now. This is such a great group of people. I'm really excited to be with them all week. Admittedly I feel unsure of the actual work we're doing - am I prepared? Uff-da. God's gotta carry us from here...
My contacts have been in for 28 hours so far...
Listening to Phil Wickham's new album - I feel like being on this plane is crossing the line between Heaven & Earth.
Mountains = love for God...
PRAISE GOD! No luggage lost, all flights on time...
Met Dave and Beth Watters (World Hope missionaries in Haiti) today. LOVE them! So great to hear their story, see them shine Christ's love. So inspiring...
Being in town reminded me so much of the Philippines only on a larger scale. The mountains cried out God's majesty. They were awesome! I felt such incomparable love in my heart for God. A deep love. A love He keeps pursuing. He amazes me. I've teared up several times since being here and it's only day 1. God is stirring in my soul - I want to decipher his message!
Day 2: Sunday, April 3, 2011
Omelette for breakfast - lots of onions and a "hot dog" in it. White bread and a banana...
Off to the mountains after that to do VBS/church with the kids, then fed them lunch. So grateful for Aaron's natural oil stuff to help with car sickness!... (Seriously, Aaron...it was a lifesaver!)
Loved interacting with the kids! So cute and eager, once we got past shyness they were so engaging. Did David & Goliath skit/story with them. Sang song, played soccer, jumprope, bubbles. Served them a wholesome meal - food stretched to feed everyone! - very wholesome meal, quite possibly the most filling meal they'll have all week...
Felt very weary after getting back "home." Supper - rice and beans, some pasta stuff, potato salad, plantains, fish (literally a fish on the plate...with eyeballs).
Day 3: Monday, April 4, 2011
INADEQUATE. That's the best word to describe how today went for me. I felt like I didn't have enough to give. I didn't know enough medications. I didn't speak the same language. I didn't have a pen or paper when I needed it. Everyone needs something - water, food, better nutrition, vitamins, prescription meds, antibiotics. The Haitian doctors asked me what and how much to prescribe. There were so many more things we could have used. But even then it's only a short-term fix...
I need to turn to God more, more prayer, more relying on Him. I felt very alone today - it was a great morning, but the further into the clinic we got, the more alone I felt. My heart cries out to do this [medical missions] more though. Not sure what to do with that...
So I feel better after talking with the group - there were lots of good experiences that everyone had - I saw lots of neat moments: Sarah teaching hygiene, Brad with his hand on a child's head praying, Lauren fitting a woman for eye glasses. I did what I could.
Day 4: Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Today will be better. I'll know more what to expect. I'll be familiar with the meds and doctors. I have a better grasp on what we can and can't do for people. Human interaction - smiles - touch - that's what we have an unlimited supply of. 2 Corinthians 12:9 came into my head last night: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Believe and be satisfied, Erin...
Things I want to remember but may not be able to explain: extremely rough road driving up the mountain; driving through the river (literally), people washing motorcycles, tap taps, their clothes, themselves; goats, pigs, donkeys all around; piles of trash and burning trash; plastic bottles everywhere; buildings along the street are vacant but people are everywhere; children walking in school uniforms; women with stands of fruit, veggies, rice and goods; heat; sun; smells...
Saying "bonjour" or "bonswa" with a smile will almost always break a barrier...
Another clinic today. Felt less inadequate. Saw about 100 people. One child with a fever of 104, another with malaria, another with ringworm, another with scabies. It was so hot out there...
Debrief time on the rooftop of our hotel with our team. Great time together sharing testimonies. Each story is so full of meaning. God's fingerprints all over. I love hearing their stories, such depth and feeling...
Heard a Haitian church service in progress down the road from our hotel, so we went to join them. Such a neat experience - encouraging for both the Haitians and us. Pastor spoke on John 3, the Vine and the branches. Clint sang a worship song. Neat to meld together as brothers and sisters, singing in two languages yet in unison. Very cool.
Day 5: Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Didn't sleep good last night. Was hot all night and dreamt. Will fake being refreshed this morning. :)...
Another great clinic today - saw about 110 people, mostly children. Lots of headaches, worms, trouble sleeping, coughs, fevers, etc. Gave out probably $5000 worth of meds...
More great testimonies tonight!...
I smell. Gross. But I shower every night. I feel great though. No sickness! No sunburn!!!
Day 6: Thursday, April 7, 2011
Morning alone time on the rooftop. Cherished moments each morning. I wouldn't trade this time for anything in the world. Reminds me of David on rooftop with His Lord. 2 Cor. 12:7-10...about thorn in Paul's side to keep him humble - possibly like my feelings on inadequacy? Feeling like I'm never smart enough, can never remember enough, never measure up to those I compare myself to. Brings back memories of times in high school, college, nursing job, etc. I've struggled with this for years...
Plantain soup for breakfast. Verdict still out on that one...
Went to school down the road for VBS with 5 and 6 year olds - little Haitian Coopers! :) We colored pictures with them, shared the gospel with them, prayed over them - their little heads bowed and hands folded...would melt even the hardest of hearts. Got to play with them after class. Pat-a-cake, Ring Around the Rosie, holding their hand and spinning in circles, singing French songs. We danced and twirled. Lovely beautiful laughs and smiles...
Went back to the Haitian church tonight. Clint led us in worship, Brad gave the message. We laid hands and prayed over them. They laid hands and prayed over us. Extremely powerful moment. I felt great heat on my head and hands as the pastor prayed over me in Creole. Such intensity. Such peace. Whew, it was a very Spirit-filled moment.
Day 7: Friday, April 8, 2011
GREAT God time this morning. Up on the rooftop again - it's a beautiful morning. Bright sun, a bit of fog/mist over the mountains in the distance. Shane & Shane, some Chris & Conrad ("I'm At Home" and "You're the One")streaming through my iPod. Psalm 145. My heart is so full and at peace...
Went to the dedication service for MaryLucy's school. What an amazing school - very conducive for a great learning experience. Our team sang "Our God" at the ceremony. I love that song!...
Headed back to the school down the street. Lindsey, Brad, and I went into a class of 15- to 20-year-olds. We shared the gospel with them. One kid named Johnny came forward and became a believer! They asked a ton of questions on what it is to be a Christian. Questions about nightclubs, drinking, premarital sex, tattoos, earrings, girls wearing pants, pornography. It was a neat time of discipleship. They kept going and going with questions. They were hungry to be led. Each of us jumped in where we could to explain and guide and speak truth. We prayed over them at the end. Such a need for believers, Christ's hands and feet, to walk with these teens...
After dinner tonight we debriefed with Beth. She is so kind. God is working in and through that woman all over. She has such a dear heart and said great encouraging words about us and to us, and described what re-entry to life in the States will be like. Had great team-building time afterward. Sitting on the rooftop in the dark sharing stories, laughing until our sides hurt. We were all very aware that moments like that are rare. Cherished the time to get to know each other better. Yay for Transitional Community bonding time!
Day 8: Saturday, April 9, 2011
Packed up this morning. Braided lots of hair for the girls on my team. GREAT God time again on the rooftop - my last morning! Beautiful time with my Father...
Loaded up and drove back over the mountains to Port au Prince. Honestly, I don't have the energy to describe everything I saw on the drive. The memories are etched on my heart. Pictures capture some of it, but it's why you have to travel yourself. There's something about the sights, smells, feelings all combined together. It can't be captured completely in a picture. Thank you God for allowing me to experience this.
Day 9: Sunday, April 10, 2011
Time to go home. Part of me isn't ready to leave. Part of me will never leave. And another part of me is so ready for a hot shower it's ridiculous.
Whew! You made it through (or skipped a lot)! Congratulations. Thoughts on life after Haiti - the struggles and life lessons coming soon...
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