His Reflection

I saw the most beautiful full moon at 6 AM on Friday as I was driving to work.

It was incredibly huge and bright. But the moon itself wasn't light. It was merely reflecting light from the sun (elementary school science class did teach me something). It was doing a really great job of this on Friday.

Ironically I was listening to a song called "Your Glory" by All Sons & Daughters (check out this incredible video!). Here are the lyrics:

My life is Yours
My hope is in You only
My heart You hold
'Cause You made this sinner holy
Holy, holy

chorus:
Your glory is so beautiful
I fall onto my knees in awe
And the heartbeat of my life
Is to worship in Your light
'Cause Your glory is so beautiful
Your glory is so beautiful

bridge:
glory, glory
Hallelujah
Jesus, You are good

I put it on repeat, loving the line "and the heartbeat of my life is to worship in your light."

We reflect God's light. Just like the moon reflects the sun.

It's what Jesus did. In Colossians 1:15 Paul tells us "He is the image of the invisible God." In their Inductive Study book That I May Know Him, Kay Arthur and David Lawson write, "The Greek word image is eikon. It was used in classical Greek literature to describe the sun reflecting in a pool of water. In other words, Christ mirrors God for us. In Greek thought, the image shared reality with what it represents."

I thanked God for the physical display of beauty before me that morning, reminding me of who I am in Him.

I have life and light through Christ.

Colossians 3:1-4

Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is...for you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you will also be revealed with Him in glory."

On Friday the moon seemed to be perfectly reflecting the sun's light. What a beautiful way of pulling together His scripture with the sweet lyrics of the song. Something only my Father could do.

Because His glory is so beautiful.

Silence Is Golden

It's been awhile, I know.

I'm not sure if anyone missed reading, but I sure missed writing.

I didn't exactly plan it that way, but sometimes when there is so much happening in a brain and heart, it can be hard to know how to express it. Truth is, there is always something running through my mind. It's often hard for this little internal processor to shut things down, so if you thought the silence was for lack of mental angst, you'd be sorely mistaken.

It may take months or even years for the last 6 months' growth to make it to the screen. What have I been up to, you might ask?

It's best summed up in Andy Stanley's sermon from a series You'll Be Glad You Did entitled "Part 2: Get Out, Stay Out, & Clean Out." I highly recommend taking a listen, especially for all you singles out there. He spells out three things to focus on: get out of debt, stay out of bed, clean out your (emotional) closet.

My roommate passed along the sermon at a time when the encouragement was paramount. It'd been about a month and a half into the new year, the year of "hope infusion."

I'd been working on some things, particularly getting out of debt and cleaning out my closet, investing a lot of time and money, even more head and heart. A little bit struggling to maintain an attitude that it was OK to be in a place that felt incredibly selfish. And Andy's words hit me like a direct line from God saying "Daughter, you are exactly where you need to be. Keep walking, keep sowing, keep trusting."

The message was so encouraging, in fact, that I proceeded to listen to it two more times. Just to reinforce what I'd heard. Proof it's easier for me to pour out than to get poured into...but I'm learning a healthier balance of that in my life.

After a strong kick in the butt from this lovely lady (who is now DEBT-FREE!), and a ridiculously strong God-prompt in January, I enrolled in a 9-week course about finances. Ugh. It's not at all what I wanted to do. Several months ago I recall a conversation with another debt-free friend, carrying on as if my student loans were no big deal, that they weren't truly impacting my life, and would be paid off "someday." Straight up lies I told myself in my ignorance. I can say with gratefulness, this past Monday my roommate and I graduated from Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University!

And I'm gonna brag just a little bit and say we weren't just any students. We were stellar. No half-in, half-out for us. It was full on. Budget forms, and homework, and reading, and insurance appointments, and phone calls, and more budgeting, and cash envelopes, and class time, and more phone calls, and more budgeting, whew! A whole whopping heck of a lot of learning. And by the grace of God, I hope to be debt-free by the time I turn 30.

I absolutely cannot wait for the day. These student loans will no longer own me. Jesus died for our freedom. So I am going to live free. I'm currently a slave...

But I'm now a dangerous slave with knowledge and gazelle intensity. Plotting her course to true freedom. Covered in His armor, offensively walking in grace with Christ in this world.

Absolutely humbling.

And absolutely grateful that He is "the hand that reaches down to save."

Check out All Sons & Daughters' "I Am Set Free" and while you're at it, go ahead and let the lyrics get stuck in your head. I guarantee your attitude will change as the Scriptural truth sinks deeper with each step you take.

May He continue to mend our lives with His holy fire.

The Planting of the Lord

I love seeing the Botanic Gardens in different cities and countries I visit. One of my favorites was in Christchurch, NZ (read more about why I loved it here). They're always filled with such color, such beauty, such life.

Our church has been talking a lot about gardening. Cultivating, sowing seeds, reaping the harvest in God's time so that it can reproduce 30-, 60-, 100-fold.

It's becoming a theme in my life so far this year. Deepening spiritual roots, pulling weeds that aren't truth, marinating in His Word so that His voice becomes louder than all others. I love it when I'm reading and happen across more words that tie the theme together. Words like "plant," "grow," "sow," "garden."

God mentions them all over...

Psalm 144:12-13, NASB
Let our sons in their youth be as grown-up plants, and our daughters as corner pillars fashioned as for a palace; let our garners be full, furnishing every kind of produce, and our flocks bring forth thousands and ten thousands in our fields.

Isaiah 58:10-11, NASB
And if you give yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness, and your gloom will become like midday. And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

Isaiah 61:1, 3, 11, NASB
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives, and freedom to prisoners...so they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified...For as the earth brings forth its sprouts, and as a garden causes the things sown in it to spring up, so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to spring up before all the nations.

Galatians 6:7-9, NASB
Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit shall from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary."

What good news! Oh to be an oak of righteousness in a well-watered garden!

But sometimes the growing is hard. Sometimes we don't know where the growing is leading. Sometimes we ask the dreadful "why" questions. Why would God have me grow this way? Why does it take this much time? Or even, "How long, oh Lord?"

I find myself often asking some of those questions. But this morning while worshiping at church He reminded me of something hugely powerful.

He is growing in me the very things I will need for whatever He asks of me in the future. 

It may not make sense now. I may not be able to see how or why this season could be useful. But I trust in Him, I trust in His heart to be growing in me the character I need, equipping me with the truths I need to live out His will.

Because the truth is, I don't know what the future holds. I might think I know what's good for me. I can beat my heat against a wall and wonder why I am in this season. But God knows what's best. He invites me to sit at His feet, eager to learn from my Teacher, tuning my ear to the Holy Spirit, trusting in His sovereignty. I don't know what the next five seconds of my life might look like. Yet God knows my every day from now through eternity.

He knows exactly what I need. What a reason to trust Him!

Know You Better

I love depth in music. 

Sometimes it grabs me right away. But oftentimes I'll listen to a song or album and not get the full weight of it until several listens later. 

Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran's "Everything Has Changed" is one of those songs. I'm pretty sure it's a love song between a guy and girl, but it could easily be a love song to God. Somewhere in my listening I realized my heart had started singing along... "I just want to know you better, know you better, know you better now." 

The lyrics have become my heart's plea to my Father, who tells us to be still and know Him. 

His eyes look like coming home.

I am His and He is mine. 

I dust off my highest hopes...I know a new found grace.

All my days, I'll know His face

All I know is...everything has changed.

Everything Has Changed

Written by Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran

all i knew this morning when i woke
is i know something now, know something now i didn’t before
and all i’ve seen since 18 hours ago
is green eyes and freckles
and your smile in the back of my mind making me feel like
i just want to know you better, know You better, know you better now
I just want to know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just want to know you better, know you better, know you better now
i just want to know you, know you, know you...

CHORUS
cause all i know is we said hello
and your eyes look like coming home
all i know is a simple name
everything has changed
all i know is you held the door
you'll be mine and i’ll be yours
all i know since yesterday
is everything has changed

and all my walls stood tall, painted blue
i'll take ‘em down, take ‘em down
and open up the door for you
and all i feel in my stomach is butterflies, the beautiful kind
makin’ up for lost time, takin’ flight making me feel like
i just want to know you better, know you better, know you better now
i just want to know you better, know you better, know you better now
i just want to know you better, know you better, know you better now
i just want to know you, know you, know you...

REPEAT CHORUS

come back and tell me why
i'm feeling like i’ve missed you all this time
and meet me there tonight
let me know that it's not all in my mind
i just want to know you better, know you better, know you better now
i just want to know you, know you, know you...

REPEAT CHORUS

all i know is we said hello
so dust off your highest hopes
all i know is pouring rain
and everything has changed
all i know is a new found grace
all my days i’ll know your face
all i know since yesterday
is everything has changed

What secular songs have spiritual meaning for you? Are there songs that pull you deeper every time you listen to them?

Definitions

I'm not one to really make New Year's resolutions.

It's like dieting. I've never been a big fan. Healthy eating is something that should really be incorporated into a lifestyle, not just for a month, a season, a year. So a NY resolution to me is a short-term idea when I want long-term growth.

That being said, my friends and I for the past two years have each decided on a word (or two) for the year. It can be a word to describe how we want the year to be, something we want to press into, a direction we feel God may be taking us, whatever. This past year's word for me was focus. Focus on God and everything else will fall into place. I think I'm still working on the "fall into place" but it was one heck of a year. (I'll spare you the recap...you can read back through the past 12 months' posts for that.)

This years' word is: hope infusion.

I can't take credit for it. I was sitting in church listening as KQ talked about the power of remembering and how God has hardwired us to hope. "He will never forget me. He gives me a hope." And when he said the words hope infusion I felt something flicker in my soul as a wave of peace washed over me.

And I knew it was the word for 2013.

To be honest, I didn't/don't know exactly why. But I knew God spoke clearly to me. There was something in those words, something He wanted me to hear.

So I am listening.

The first thing I discovered is that it helps to know the definition of the words.

Infusion - the act or process of infusing. (Gee, thanks for that...don't you love when one thing leads to another...story of my life.)

Infusing - to cause to be permeated with something that alters, usually for the better

Thank you, Merriam-Webster.

There's something about this word...infusion...just by saying it you sort of know its meaning. I almost feel like if I were saying the word to someone who doesn't speak English that somehow they'd know the meaning. Then again, I've always spoken English. So maybe not. Either way, there's something about just saying the word that leads you to understand its meaning.

Infusion. Check.

Now on to hope. This is the real beast.

I feel like the world has done one heck of a job tainting the true meaning of hope. We'll say things like:
"I hope you have a great day!"

"I hope I can take a nap later today."

"I hope to have kids one day."

Even "I hope the Bachelor is on tonight!" (Ok, for the record, I would never say that!)

Hope. What is it really?

I'm sitting in this right now. I don't have a direct answer. But I do know the Bible blows my puny definitions to pieces...

Psalm 39:7, NIV
But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.


Psalm 31:24, NIV
Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.


Proverbs 24:14, NIV
Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.


Romans 5:1-5, NIV (I tried to shorten it, but dang, it is so full of goodness I couldn't...)
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope that does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.


Hang on. Read that one again. Soak in faith...grace...hope...suffering...perseverance...character...hope. Hope that does not disappoint. Thank you, sweet Jesus. And one more (there are actually tons more!) for good measure...

Hebrews 10:23, NIV
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.


Hope is deep. And good. Oh so good.

And certainly worth having an infusion of. So 2013 is 17 days underway, and I am already seeing effects of opening my heart to this glorious infusion as God pours out His love into my heart by the Holy Spirit...


How do you define hope? Soul? Mind? Spirit? Heart? Will? Character? Personality?

Join me in re-centering earthly definitions based on our Creator's dictionary...

Deep Blue China

Have you ever experienced something in life that just made you back up from God?

Not run. Not turn away. Not even get mad at Him. Just back up.

Keep Him at arm's length.

I recently walked through something that caused me to do this. And the most frustrating part? I did it knowingly! As each day began and ended, I was aware of God's presence, I knew His truths, I even continued to listen to worship music and believe the words I was singing.

But something in me held back. I functioned knowing He was right there, at a distance. It took me months to figure out why...

I had opened myself up to God in some deeper ways. I had spent intense time with Him and thought I was hearing Him clearly. And then He surprised me with something different, something other than what I was expecting. ("In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps" Proverbs 16:9...)

It a little bit left me reeling. I had been on my knees in prayer and it left me hurting. Instead of pressing in deeper pushing through the fire, I backed up. I told myself the pain was too great. I know God refines us through fire, but man, this hurt.

So I allowed my heart to numb itself. Just a little. Enough to carry on with life in a fairly rich way, but confused about how to move forward. I found myself wanting to want to read Scripture. Wanting to know what to say to my Father. But words and feelings weren't there.

Then one day I saw Francine Rivers' Redeeming Love on the bookshelf. It was one of those divine movements, you know? When you're sitting on the couch...stuck. Stuck in a circular pattern of thought. Frozen in the numbness.

The mind is its own place, 

and in itself can make a heav'n of hell, a hell of heaven. 

- Milton

But Something flickered inside when my eyes grazed the binding of the book. I found my body moving, my hand reaching for the worn pages.

And I began to read. The story inspired by the book of Hosea from the Bible. The account of God's redemptive love for sinners. Words familiar to me from previous readings, yet the depth of the story was fresh and new. I was connecting with the characters in new and deeper ways. I saw myself in Angel, the prostitute who spent years numbing herself to everything. Hope was continually crushed in her life until there was no sign of it left. I saw myself in Michael, the farmer who, after hearing God's prompt to rescue Angel, loves her back to life. Only to be broken and confused when she runs.

What Angel felt with him was too real. She thought you can't get hurt if you don't feel. You can't lose hope if you keep yourself from having any at all. And as Michael carefully and patiently took her defenses down, she backed up. The risk was too great. Life was easier on her own.

I can endure my own despair, but not another's hope. 

- William Walsh

Until one day she realized something. Life without hope is no life at all. Life is movement and motion and love. A numb heart is dead to these.

I am dying of thirst by the side of the fountain. 

- Charles D'Orleans

I felt my heart slowly dripping as it thawed. Blood began to return to places I allowed to become numb.  I found myself in a new place of insecurity with God's love. And (per usual) God used a song to reveal this to me. Mariah McManus' "Say It Again"...

Lose my mind

Trying to get in your line of sight

Everything is quiet when I close my eyes,

Here we go again

So it seems, I'm fighting harder for you than I ever did for anything,

Caught in a daydream

So I'm just gonna let myself fall into this one

Here we go again, it's all happening,

or is it all in my head, who says this daydream has to end.

My heart's caving in, it's all happening

Do you remember when you told me you loved me,

I told you to say it again?

I listened to the song over and over again. The line "Do You remember when You told me you loved me, I told You to say it again" pierced my heart every time. I kept thinking about the line, wondering why it impacted me that way. What I found was a hunger for God's love...the consistency...the reassurance that no matter what I did, His love was still there...the repetitiveness, knowing He would say it again and again and again. Until I believed Him. Until I felt it.

And He did.

The words have been on repeat in my soul. I believe Him, I feel Him. 

And I'm walking toward Him again. Admittedly, with some hesitation. But also with more guidance. Seeking wisdom from outside resources as I walk, stepping deeper with more care than before. "Now I'll be bold, as well as strong, and use my head alongside my heart." (Mumford and Sons' "I Will Wait")

Walking through life numb is like walking up to a feast with a paper plate. God is inviting us to sit with Him, at a table set with the finest china. 

Put down your paper plate

Come to the table made

Deep blue china 

Found on the table by the wine

So fine

It brings out flavor like

He brings out color in life

(from Shane and Shane's "Miss You So")

As I read the final paragraph of Rivers' epic novel, I knew I must move forward again. And something in those words gave me the courage...

Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love one another as he loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don't weaken. Stand against the darkness, and love. That's the way back into Eden. That's the way back to life.

I'll Feel The Toil

Yesterday was another one of those days when words are not enough. One of those days where joy is devoid in that room of the labor and delivery unit. The baby is no longer alive. Now the parents must deliver the baby and say their goodbyes.

Looking back I can see how God prepared me to care for them. He had me in the Word the night before, reading in bed before I fell asleep earlier than usual. Then on the way to work I listened to some new music: "Slow Your Breath Down" by Future of Forestry. It was one of those songs that had me at the first few words, then solidified my attention as the music grew and swelled. I listened to it over and over. These lyrics were running through my head as I turned off my car and walked into the hospital:

Slow your breath down
Just take it slow
Find your heart now, oh
You can trust and love again...
You're not alone
You're now a part of Me
You feel the cure
I'll feel the toil that brought you

Unbeknownst to me, it was courage and strength heading into a tragic day. 12 hours flew by as I lost myself caring for the family. I couldn't eat. I didn't laugh. The tears shed weren't ones of joy. I dressed, photographed, and held the little body that just a day before was alive inside her mom. There isn't a way to explain loss like this to a couple. There is only reassurance that grieving in many forms is normal. And reassurance that I am walking it with them. With every hug I was willing divine strength and healing.

I gave all I had.

I'd love to say that I left it at work, but that would be a lie. Instead I sat on my couch dazed and couldn't make any decisions on what to eat, so I finally just went to bed. I didn't lose an unborn child, but I felt her emptiness every time I rolled over. I spent the morning in bed watching episode after episode of Parenthood, letting the tears (and sobs) flow freely.

I needed to be fully present for work again on Friday, so I spent the day in self-care mode. I read. I listened to music. I went for a drive. I spent hours in a coffee shop drinking my new guilty pleasure (an iced coffee drink called the "Shaker" flavored with hazelnut...I shamelessly downed two...one with a chicken salad sandwich, one with a slice of chocolate peanut butter layer cake). And I went for a walk on the prayer trail behind church. This was the best part. My feet on the dirt, the smell of autumn in the crisp air, the trees standing tall and powerful as the leaves rustled in the wind. As I walked I wanted nothing except to be in the presence of my God. I didn't have anything to say. He knew my pain, after all, He'd caught all my tears (Psalm 56:8). I just wanted to be with Him. Words like Healer and Redeemer and Restorer were pounding in my heart.

Then I looked up and saw the wooden cross on the path. I've never looked at the cross and felt such a rush of comfort and relief. It felt like home. I took a deep breath as I let every emotion wash into the outstretched arms of my Savior.

I didn't have to bear it, because He already did.

Thoughts of my patient swirled in my head as I listened to a few songs on my iPod.

"Let It Be" by Kinfolk 9:

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer
Let it be

 And Brooke Fraser's "Flags":

You who mourn will be comforted
You who hunger will hunger no more
Yes, the last shall be first, of this I am sure
You who weep now will laugh again
All you lonely be lonely no more
Yes, the last will be first, of this I am sure

And Big and Rich's "Holy Water":

She wants someone to call her angel
Someone to put the light back in her eyes
She's looking through the faces
And unfamiliar places
She needs someone to hear her when she cries
And she says take me away
then take me farther
Surround me now
And hold, hold, hold me like holy water

I was standing at the foot of the cross, laying the hurt at His feet.

The One with the answer.

The One who comforts.

The One who hears our cries and holds us.

He feels the toil that brings us to Him.

I couldn't help thinking how I want everyone to experience this Love. How can I walk through life and not shout it from the mountains? How could I be so selfish to keep Him to myself? He is more than enough. And Jesus died for all.

All.

I am so grateful. And I pray to God I live with a renewed passion and outpouring of love.

Isaiah 44:23, NLT
Sing, O heavens, for the Lord has done this wondrous thing. 
Shout for joy, O depths of the earth!
Break into song, O mountains and forests and every tree!
For the Lord has redeemed Jacob and is glorified in Israel.

I will not be silent.
I will not be quiet anymore.