The Present

"Give us today our daily bread." Matthew 6:11

I was challenged a couple years ago to pray through the Lord's prayer for several days. Line by line. Pausing to linger over each one. This line in particular pulled at something more. On the surface one could think you're literally praying for bread. Or food in general. And as I prayed, I was grateful for never having to worry about where my next meal would come from. Even when things have been tight, there has always been a meal before me. But as I prayed, I felt there was more. Something to this verse I was missing. So I asked God to reveal it to me. 

This week He did. It was Monday night and I was frustrated. I'd been back in the States for a week. I'd spent every day at my job wondering what the heck I was doing there. Fighting back tears and forcing a smile as my mind catapulted thoughts to months and years down the road. I realized I spend so much mental energy thinking about the future. In C. S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters, a senior demon is writing to his nephew, a junior tempter on earth. The topic of time comes up...

"The humans live in time but our Enemy (referring to God) destines them to eternity. He therefore, I believe, wants them to attend chiefly to two things, to eternity itself, and to that point of time which they call the Present. For the present is the point at time at which time touches eternity. Of the present moment, and of it only, humans have an experience analogous to the experience which our Enemy has of reality as a whole; in it alone freedom and actuality are offered them . . . Our business is to get [humans] away from the eternal and from the Present . . . It is far better to make them live in the Future. Biological necessity makes all their passions point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear . . . In a word, the Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity . . . But we want a man hagridden by the Future - haunted by visions of an imminent heaven or hell upon earth. . . " 

That...that unsettling world of the future...is where I was living. My focus had drifted far from daily bread. I was asking God for meals for a year. Or the next five. And all He was asking me to do was live today. My roommate challenged me to change my prayers the next day at work. So I did. I prayed for strength to get through that day. I prayed for wisdom to handle encounters for that day. I prayed for words for conversations in the moment. And it took my focus off the future...the wondering how I would make it through the next month of work much less the next year...the fear of living out my Plan B for the rest of my life. And since that day I have been filled with incredible peace. Peace not from me. I am certain of that. Nothing in my circumstances has changed. Literally, nothing is different. In fact, if anything, I have more reason to be frustrated than before. But I'm not. I'm at peace. His peace. I firmly believe it's because I'm asking Him for daily bread. Asking Him to literally equip me with what I need to live each day for Him. 

This morning I listened to Lecrae's "Send Me." The song says "Send me, I'll go" and it reminded me of my commitment to go wherever God wants me to go, do whatever he wants me to do....even if that means going down to Lawrenceville to do my current job. I needed a little bit of an attitude adjustment (my mom has been encouraging me to have these little "AA's" since I was a child). I won't be here forever. And the "here" is really good. I just took my focus off it for awhile. 

Guatemala updates and pics coming soon...

Guatemala

Who: Me and 13 others
What: Guatemala Mission trip
When: June 16 (this Saturday!) - June 23
Where: San Pedro (Lake Atitlan area) and Antigua
Why: That is the question only God knows the answer to...and even when we ask Him, He usually keeps the answer to Himself, so I will say "Where You go I go...I will follow."

This past fall I was given the opportunity to co-lead this trip. It was exciting to me and scary at the same time. While I've been on overseas trips before, I've never led one. And while I felt hugely inadequate to do something of this caliber, that's what God wants, right? Someone who doesn't think they can? Well, then that's me. It's been a fun and challenging journey through the past several months leading up to the trip. It has been a busy Spring for many reasons. At times I've felt excited, weary, overwhelmed, grateful, obedient, inadequate, hopeful. I could go on and on. For me personally, God is stirring so many things in me - I'm not sure what to even expect while we're down there. There are words that He has on repeat inside of me. Questions that keep challenging my faith to grow, my trust to increase. I've been on this war kick for awhile now. Believing strongly that we are called to spiritual battle every day of our lives, it's all over in His Word. The armor of God has been on my mind for several months, specifically the shield (of faith) and the sword (of the Spirit). I've been challenged with what these look like in our lives, how I strengthen my walk as I carry the shield and sword (all pieces of the armor are significant, I just feel God has me focusing currently on these two). And most recently He's challenging me with specifically what that looks like as a woman, as a daughter of Christ. How do I live out this life as an ezer-warrior? More on that to come...much more. As for now, I'm making final preparations for this trip and feel that He's got some work down there what will require my shield and sword.

God has put together an incredible team of people excited to see Him glorified and ready to be put to use in any way asked of them to further His Kingdom. Would you pray for us? Would you pray for strength and energy for the team, for divine appointments and conversations with locals, unity on the team and with Impacto Ministries, for encouragement and validation of what God's been doing already with the people of Guatemala, ultimately that God would be glorified in everything we do and say?

We'll be blogging while we're down there. Travel with us and pray! Check out our team member profiles, some incredible "God-stories" of the past few months as we've prepared, and updates daily of our travels. Our blog for the trip is:

http://lcguatemala2012.wordpress.com/

So I travel with His armor. His love and protection. His mercy and grace. This is the cry of my heart, summed up in Hillsong's You:

Invading all my weakness
You wrapped me up in grace
The worst of me succeeded by the best of You
My heart if overtaken
My soul is overwhelmed
The worst of me succeeded by the best of You
My dreams have found their purpose
My future in Your hands
This life would have no meaning if it weren't for You
So I lay me down
For Kingdom come
Steal all that is within me
Cause all I want in this world is more of You
And less of me it is you
Increasing as I fade away
Your light for all the world to see
God it is You who breaks the chains
It is You who lights the way
And everything I am cries out for You
Lord make my life transparent
Your life in mine displayed
And let every earthly glory go back to You
So I lay me down
For Kingdom come
Steal all that is within me
Cause all I want in this world is more of You
And less of me it is You
Increasing as I fade away
Your light for all the world to see
God it is You who breaks the chains
It is You who lights the way
And everything I am cries out for You

Knowing

I just finished reading Francine River's The Atonement Child, a novel about Dynah Carey, a college-age believer that had it all until a rape and unwanted pregnancy threatened to tear her world and family apart. It, not surprisingly, is relationally incredible and tragically beautiful all in one. There is a healthy level of emotional catharsis I go through with each reading of one of Rivers' books. This book was different though. Maybe it was the close relation of pregnancy and my job. Maybe it was Dynah's parent's marriage on the rocks. Maybe it was precious innocence stolen in such a dreadful way and the realization of how easily it could have happened to me - and still could. Whatever the reason, this book was different. From chapter one. I struggled to keep composure several times - and failed often - as I delved into the complexity and depth of the characters. I was broken for humanity. It hit me: the characters weren't real, but the situations and hurts and brokenness and bitterness and regret and redemption were. I've known enough people in my 28 years to see it firsthand more times than I want to remember. And yet, we would see it exists in each of us if we would just take the time to know someone. Some have scars that bear the marks. Some are still licking wounds and reeling from the pain. Some are walking in the dark, fumbling for answers. Some are walking in redemption, allowing hurts to be relieved by Jesus, pointing to His grace and His glory.

We're all somewhere on the spectrum. It's just a matter of how well you know someone.

The thought came after a recent challenge of whether I just know God...or know God. The challenge came from a tried and true follower of Christ, Michael Hindes. He brought Paul's truth to life from Philippians 3:1-16, stretching my thoughts on how a mature Christian thinks. In his message he pointed out that when God asks us to do something, usually requiring some sort of sacrifice, we naturally look for the payoffs. But what if God is asking for us to sacrifice the payoff too? Would we still say yes to God? Would I do His will just for the sake of knowing Him. Because knowing Him is reward enough. It's a truth I believe. But how well do I live it out? Michael also said that out of knowing comes intimacy, connection, life. He related it to the intimacy between a man and woman, there is pain, tearing, creating of a rhythm, knowing it gets sweeter as it goes. The same is true in our relationship to God. There will be pain of our hearts tearing. We create a rhythm with Him. Know Him. And the knowing gets sweeter. If there was no other reward than knowing Him, that is enough. And here's another thought he presented: who would you rather give your power to? Someone who knows about you or someone who knows you? Really knows you? Heck, I choose someone who knows me intimately. When God surveys the earth for ways to demonstrate His power and make His glory known, I'll bet you He lands on those that truly know Him just about every time.

The testimony of every believer centers on knowing Him. Our stories change and grow as our intimacy grows. We mature in depth of character. God's power is exhibited in more glorious ways. The more we know Him, the more we're freed up to be used by Him.

But I get distracted. Life. Noise. Busyness. Weariness. I get to where I can't hear Him. I lose sight of Him as my sustenance. My only necessary sustenance. So a week and a half ago I stripped away the noise. The distraction. And I began to taste again. I began to taste how sweet He is, how sweet knowing Him alone is. The grace. The guidance. The love. The living water. This past Monday I was at Little Mulberry Park when this song, (Only You) came to me. It was a song I hadn't sung in over 15 years, and yet I remembered every word. I smiled as the reminder of His majesty, the depth of His love, the unique way He satisfies my desires flooded over me. And it came at a time when I really needed to be reminded. It's moments like those that come from knowing Him.

When Words Are Never Enough

Yesterday was a hard day. Not like an "I overslept and spilled my coffee" kind of hard day. More like an  "I'm not sure how I'm going to mentally and emotionally get through today" kind of hard day. Everything went as usual until about 6:50 am (early, I know, but when your day starts at 4:45, there are lots of things that can happen by 6:50). I woke up and got ready for the day. I spent some time in the Word. I ate some breakfast. I drove to work and listened to worship music. I changed into my green scrubs and sat down at a table in the nurses lounge awaiting my assignment for the next 12 hours. Everything was as expected. Then I got the news no nurse wants to hear: "Erin, you've got the patient in room ---. She's a fetal demise. Full term. First baby. Went to the office yesterday for a regular check up and there was no heartbeat. She's here being induced."

Holy cow. That'll make your heart sink to your stomach. It'll make you wish you'd never rolled out from under your covers. I made the long walk down the hallway, got report from the night shift nurse, and headed in to meet my patient and her husband. Everything you think about labor and delivery goes down the drain in moments like this. There's no excited chatter about what color the nursery is or what the baby's name is. No lullabies or first cries. It's pure and utter sadness. The level of emotion in the day is off the charts. The need to be attentive and in tune with my patient's every need somehow seems impossible and yet there's a sense of that being exactly why I was placed in her path today. That every need I have, every thought is of no significance in comparison to her needs, her thoughts. That suddenly every fibre in my being is seeking to guide her and her husband through this process as tenderly and gently as I know how. And words will never be enough. There has to be touch. And eye contact. And just a presence of strength and empathy. All of this in addition to medical care.

The minutes tick by as we try to get her into labor to deliver the baby she dreamed of holding under very different circumstances that still rests inside of her. The minutes turn to hours. Hard conversations are had. Tears are shed. Pain is managed with any medications we can administer. Hope is given. Strength is borrowed. And somehow she makes it through moments she didn't think she could.

And I made it through my twelve hours. She still hadn't delivered at the end of my shift, so I passed her along to the next nurse who would strive to do the same things I had done for the next twelve hours. I left with the promise of checking on them when I returned to work on Friday. I moved on with my night, headed to youth group, trying to enter back into a less heavy place than where I spent all day. I ate. I slept. And I woke up this morning ready to face another day. As I listened to worship music on my way to a class for work I heard Shane and Shane's "Psalm 118 (This Is The Day)." I found myself belting the words "Give thanks to the Lord for He is good/ His love endures forever. He is my strength and He's my song/ His love endures forever...This is the day the Lord has made/ I will rejoice and be glad in it." And I instantly thought of my patient from the day before. She's still in a hospital room filled with sorrow over the loss of her child. And yet I'm rejoicing? I'm literally praising our Lord with a smile on my face? But somehow it seems right. Because of His sovereignty? Because of His promise that He works all things for the good of those who love Him? Because He weeps with those who weep and mourns with those who mourn? Yes. He encompasses everything. He is all things. He didn't cause this woman to lose her baby. It's the result of sin entering this world and bringing with it tragedy and brokenness and sorrow. But God is a redeeming God. He can use any bad experience for His good. He somehow makes all things right. And I got to rest in that this morning. Did it take away the pang of sadness I felt as I pondered the weight of what my patient is going through? No. Will it remove her years of sadness and grieving? No. But He does give hope to the hopeless. He is strength for the weak. He is sight for the blind. He is the great I AM. In every situation, in every circumstance, He is sovereign. And He is enough.

Training Ground

It was February 24th. I was standing in a room at 12Stone with several members of the Leverage Community, singing "there's an army rising up" (from "Break Every Chain"...incredibly powerful) when I first heard the words: training ground. It was in reference to the house I'm currently living in, lovingly dubbed "Coopshine." I had a sense that the house is a training ground. But what did that mean? A training ground for whom? for what? I didn't know the answers to these questions, but when God speaks, I've learned to listen.

We moved into Coopshine just before the new year. As we sat around on New Year's Eve with some friends delegating a word for the year for each of our lives, I landed on "focus." Focus on God and everything else will fall into place. What that meant to me was keeping myself from committing to everything. As the year kicked off several friends made commitments to run a race - a marathon, half, or 5K. Normally I'm one to jump on board and achieve the goal, but I couldn't commit. It had something to do with the time commitment of the training...and something else? There was a feeling in me that something else was in store. I struggled with this because part of me wanted to commit. Everyone else was. And I'd be in ridiculous shape when it was all said and done. But I couldn't do it. This past Sunday I realized why. 

Kevin Queen was talking about Discipline, the final installment to a 3-part series on Self-Leadership (listen to it on the "12Stone Church" podcast on iTunes). He said, "It takes being at a destination we don't want to be before we see discipline is what we need." This hit me square in the face as I realized I'm so not at a destination I want to be at. Don't get me wrong, life is good. I have a stable job, live in a great house with amazing roommates. I have food to eat, a family who loves me, and am surrounded by amazing community. I am so grateful for these things. But I am not content. I can best describe it as a holy discontentment (which I first heard described this past summer in a talk by Matt Chandler on Philippians). It's a longing for more of God, to run after Him, never content with where you're at relationally with Him. He has so much in store! I don't want to stay at my current destination. And KQ is telling me discipline is what I need. He goes further to explain that where we neglect discipline is where we pick up "trying." We have an "I'm trying" mentality instead of a "training" mentality. He said, "If you're really serious about something, go from trying to training." Using the example of the CrossFit Challenge he said no one would go and expect to win on just willpower and positive thinking. They've gotta train for it! 

Enter: the training ground. I can't expect to pursue holiness without discipline. And discipline happens with training. When I left to go overseas in 2009, I took with me a copy of Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth. I slowly worked my way through part of it...then stopped (a clear lack of discipline, ha!). I think it's time I picked it back up from the beginning...going all the way to the end this time. Because I'm living in the training ground. Requiring more time in Scripture. More time in prayer. More time in worship. God's been quietly speaking these into my soul for some time. I've been overlooking them because of the questions and frustration I've been voicing to Him. I'm seeing that my feeble attempts at freedom are nothing compared to what He offers. The fact that I don't feel free in my current destination is evidence of my lack of discipline. I have a sneaking suspicion that the freedom He offers me will feel a lot more free as I fully enter the training ground. Not for a marathon, but training in the pursuit of holiness.

1 Timothy 4:7-10 - Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance (and for this we labor and strive), that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe.

The Scent and The Lines

[Scent]
So I went for a run at Little Mulberry Park tonight. I let the busyness and chaos of the world slide away as I took each step on the trail. Almost immediately a smell hit me, the smell of dried leaves on the ground and I instantly thought Man, that smells like God. I almost laughed at the thought. I mean, really, how would I know what God smells like? But for me, nature is God. His fingerprints are everywhere in it. He created it. He fashioned it. His beauty is nature...

Psalm 96:3-7 - For the Lord is the great God, the great King above all gods. In his hand are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to him. The sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land. Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker; for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care.

All that came flooding to me. In the scent of the leaves.

[Lines]
Anyone who knows me or reads my blog knows I love music. One of these days I'll stop reiterating that. But I thought this week as I was listening to some new music, how incredibly grateful I am for musicians and songwriters. I think it's bold and vulnerable to blog about my life. They write songs about theirs. And then proceed to record them on albums and sing them in front of thousands of people night after night. Talk about vulnerable! I am grateful for them. Grateful for their raw honesty. Their lyrical prose and how it impacts my walk through life. So, if you write music. Thank you. Your lines and your courage is not lost on me.

Some examples...

Bebo Norman's "The Hammer Holds"

Mat Kearney's "Bullet" or "On And On"

Needtobreathe's "The Reckoning"

Ben Rector's "Hide Away"

Maybe You're the One Who's Supposed to Read This?

[ I felt like I was supposed to share this when I wrote it a week and a half ago, but I didn't. I reread it again today and again felt like I should share it. So while it feels incredibly vulnerable, I'm sharing. I trust there's some reason why.... ]

Proverbs 16:9 - In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Boy, isn’t that true? I feel like I’m dead in the middle of that right now with this job. I planned to open a bakery, be seriously dating someone, heck maybe be married with a kid or two. And I’m here, back into nursing, single, and feeling like I’m completely in God’s will. Huh, my heart will catch up eventually. 

I must accept the challenge of being faithful in this. I must be better at it than I was 3 years ago. I already feel so many of the same feelings. The swing of emotions. Hard and frustrated during the middle of my string of shifts. Elated and relaxed and grateful on my days off. How can I find more balance? I long to be at peace....the whole time. I also want to do my job well - I get so easily frustrated when they throw stuff on you that takes away from patient care/the ability to get my job done well. I must be better and faster. It’s such a struggle. And on top of it all, there’s definitely a part of me that’s a little frustrated about being single. No one to share it all with at the end of the day. I sigh and keep pressing on. I don’t think He’ll have me here forever. And I know I’m making a difference. I so love giving exceptional care. It makes my heart feel whole. And makes the job feel worthwhile. 

Proverbs 17:3 - The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the heart.

Hmm. Tests how? Am I being tested now? It feels like I’m in a furnace sometimes. Feeling the burn, the struggle, the weight and pull of change, the challenge to rise above. And I fear most of the time I don’t...rise above. 

Proverbs 19:21 - Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

That is encouraging. Takes the first verse to the next level. It’s not just overlooking the heart, it’s about serving the Lord’s purpose. And His purpose is so far greater than any we could have. What a joy to be existing for such a purpose. What an honor. What a humbling revelation!

Was absolutely taken on a journey at O2 on Friday night. Came feeling distanced. Sinful. Separated. Not sure how to break through. Like a friend - one you owe your life to - that you’ve neglected and don’t know what to say. That’s how I felt. Shameful. Saddened again by my crappy priorities. Time spent elsewhere than sitting with him. Whether that be at 5 in the morning or 8 o’clock at night. And yet He loves me. I felt so like Angel in the book Redeeming Love (if you haven't read it...DO!!!). Because that’s who I am. A prostitute. In my own way. And He’s constantly bringing my bloody and beaten and wounded body and soul back to Him. Even when I choose to go. He waits. And pursues me eventually. I am so undeserving. And yet I have a Saviour who bore the weight of all my sin. Literally. He took it all. Past, present, future. It’s all on Him. And I can’t NOT accept that and do something about it. He is perfect. He is worthy. God’s holiness demands to be made known. So that’s what I did on Friday night. I sang my heart out until I was hoarse. My throat was scratchy, my voice cracking, and I sang at the top of my lungs. To no one but God. Words of affirmation. Words of love. He wooed me back to a point of feeling lovable. Or at least a place capable of accepting His love. Because denying it would be the worst position in the world. His wrath...due unto me...completely enraptured by His Son. He intercedes every time. THAT is worth living for. A God who is worthy to be praised every second of my life. And He has a purpose that I get to be a part of? It’s a sweet sweet life. Even if I work 5 12’s in 6 days. Even if a patient loses her baby and I'm to care for and support her. Even if I don’t get to give continuity of care. Even if doctors tick me off. Even if I fall asleep every night alone in my bed. Even if I fail. It’s still sweet. Because of Him.